Horror Writers Association Member

Monday, December 5, 2016

Krampustasia






Post-anesthesia shivering revived Cammie after surgery. She furiously blinked her eyes in an attempt to regain her bearings and, hopefully, garner some medical attention. What came into focus was two-fold; the black sequined mini dress she had been wearing had been swapped out for a drab hospital gown but more importantly, her airway was choked by a breathing tube. Panicked, she pounded on the rails of her bed. A nurse in a Santa hat hurried to Cammie’s side.

“I know it’s scary but this will help,” she said and quickly injected medications into her IV. 
Cammie could feel the spasms gradually subside.

“Here's a toasty warm blanket. Now, relax. They’ll be moving you soon.”

Although the medicine was relaxing, it helped to hear the nurse’s soothing voice. She patted her arm before checking her vitals on the monitor one last time.
Whatever else she gave Cammie made her eyelids droop, but luckily she no longer cared about the tube wedged down her throat.

Before she melted into the warm blanket and sedation, the woman lying in the bed across the room suddenly sprang to life. Just like Cammie had been moments before, the woman was trembling uncontrollably. With one difference; this woman was screaming.

Anticipating the nurses and would spring to the woman’s side as they did hers, Cammie was quickly disillusioned. The nurses were huddled around a computer screen, unfazed by their patient’s panicked cries. 

Cammie focused her heavy eyes back to the woman whose screams were deafening. The woman’s arms flailed at something black crawling from the bottom of her bed.

Unable to do anything, Cammie watched helplessly as the woman swatted and punched furiously at the black haired beast that slithered its way up her chest. Cammie could see it had something in one of its scythe-like fingers but she couldn’t discern what it was. Like a deranged jack-in-the-box, a second black furred creature popped up from the side rail of the woman’s bed. She could hear it laugh, raw and feral as it revealed an equally inky black bag which it shoved over the terrified woman’s head. The first beast chimed in with the same sickening laughter and revealed just what was in its hand: a wooden switch. As the second beast stuffed the rest of the woman into his bag, the other beat her unmercifully with the switch.

The tremors returned and took over Cammie’s body but this time it was fear, not anesthesia.

The horrible creatures had the woman’s body almost completely shoved in their bag when Cammie let out a muffled crack of air from her obstructed throat. Which turned the vicious creatures attention to Cammie.

For a horrifying second, both beasts stopped their beating and stuffing and placed a pointy finger to their smiling lips, convincing her to remain silent.

She slammed her eyes shut, praying she could keep them closed for as long as she could, as if it would keep her hidden.

But- they saw her. She knew the beasts saw her.

And she was helpless. All she could do was wait and listen to the soft tick of the clock hanging on the wall. 

Tick, tick, tick.

But there was nothing. 

Reluctantly, Cammie cracked open her eyes.

The hideous black beasts were gone. The nurses were still conversing at the computer. Doctors were scurrying back and forth. And the woman in the bed- she was gone.

Cammie head felt as heavy as bowling ball. It was all so real. She reasoned it was a medically induced hallucination. A nightmare shaking her into the waking world 

Cammie stared at the blinking red lights on the small desktop Christmas tree at the nurse’s station. She had been through a lot of trauma for one evening. The red blinking lights were a blinding reminder.

Her composure was short lived, as the woman Cammie witnessed being beaten and snatched from her bed was now on top of her. But now the woman's face and chest were mangled, with thousands of glass shards imbedded in her flesh and blood poured from every wound. The same screams she heard minutes before were now echoing in Cammie’s face.

“Where is Tia? What did you do with my little girl? Where is she?”

Once again, Cammie could feel the terror rise in her broken body. But the woman continued screeching,

“You took her! You took her from me?”

Tears burned from her eyes but the tube in her throat kept Cammie mute. She thrashed her head side to side, avoiding the woman’s bloody finger dangling in her face.

The assault didn’t go unnoticed. One of the doctors padded over and gently placed a hand on the screaming woman’s shoulder.

“Now Marion, we’ve talked about this. Cammie doesn’t have Tia.”

A nurse sidled up to the doctor and took ‘Marion’s’ arm.

The wild look in Cammie’s eyes softened as the doctor continued speaking to Marion.

“Cammie may have taken her from you. But your own Christmas ‘spirit’ lead you here…with us.”  His lips twisted into a deranged smile displaying rows of tiny sharp teeth.

In a single blink, both the doctor and nurse had morphed into the grotesque monsterous beasts.

“Now get back in the bag!”

The “doctor” yanked the black bag over Marion, who punched and kicked as the nurse beast struck her with the switch.

Once she was forced inside, the nurse creature continued lashing her, quickly tackling her to the ground before dragging Marion down the hallway, the bag undulating and lurching.

Cammie was the object of the creature’s attention. Hurling itself on top of her, it stroked her tear soaked hair with its bony fingers.

“Merry Christmas Cammie. I have something for you.”

Its voice was thin, ragged and hideous.

Furiously, she shook her head no.

The creature snarled.

“Aww…where is your Christmas spirit? You had it when you left your Christmas party. You had it when you ran through the pretty red light.”

Cammie’s head continued to shake in declination.

But the beast wouldn’t take no for an answer. From behind its gnarled back, it retrieved a doll. A blood stained doll: its dress torn and wet. The beast sat it on her chest.

Cammie noticed the gift tag on the dolls tattered arm.

“To Tia: Love Mommy.”

Choking uncontrollably on the breathing tube, she couldn’t help but panic.

The beast cooed, “Let me help you, child,” yanking the tube from her throat.

The second creature reappeared next to her bed with the black body bag in its fist.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

My LAST Bloody Valentine



Noah has parted the Red Sea in my pants for the last time!

I have mopped up my final feminine crime scene investigation! 

Red Elvis....has evacuated my vagina!   Elvis was the name of my monthly hemoglobular expulsion.
:
:
And it's AWESOME.


Yep, this female was deemed privy for a procedure called, ABLATION. Let me Wikipedia that for you....

ABLATION
noun
  1. the surgical removal of body tissue.
  2. the removal of snow and ice by melting or evaporation.
                        SOURCE: The       internet.....duh.
So I had either tissue removed or they tossed salt and cinders in my vagina. Damn, looking back on this, I hope it was the first one...

Okay, I'm pretty sure the first one. I remember seeing a little crème brulee torch they would use to burn off my uterine lining.

Holy shit, maybe they DID do number 2. Salt and sugar look the SAME!!!

Ah whatever.

All I know is I will no longer experience the sensation of a massive clot the size of a can of Thanksgiving cranberry jelly, dropping-it-like-it's- hot, at the most inopportune time in my drawers.


Now, for some woman, this monthly ritual is embraced and considered beautiful. It reminds them
they are goddesses with the ability to bring life into the world. There are woman out there creating art with their menses- standing over canvases and letting their sloughed off cells, mucus and blood, develop into works of art! Like finger painting but - without fingers or paint....

Damn hippies.

Me, on the other hand, I am just DONE. I'm done being a fertile female. I'm done hollering,"thar she blows" as my white whale spews chunks from my tired blow hole. I. am. done.

Am I grossing you out?

Yes?

Good. Now you know how most women feel every goddamn month.

You're welcome.

So...how did surgery turn out, you ask?

Well, other than the inevitable stench of BBQ every time I have to pee...I'd say it went pretty well.

I wanted to use my blogging abilities to educate woman who no longer wish to experience hot magma exploding from their vaginal volcano.

So, I have created a few tips to get you thru your own ablation or hysterectomy.

1. Do not stuff a raw piece of meat in your vagina with a note that reads "I could have become someone." It IS funny, but not to everyone. Killjoys.


2. Do not ask them right before surgery if they'll also take 'a little off the top' while they're down there, and work in a cute circumcision like your idol, Caitlyn Jenner. Again, not everyone shares our sense of humor.

3. Do not ask for your singed uterine tissue or your uterus in a jar. They make you sign a waiver agreeing you won't ask for it. I guess I need a new idea for Christmas gifts this year...


4. Do not braid your 'carpet' into cornrows with colorful beads and request the nurses sing Buffalo Soldier as they wheel you into the O.R. 
As it turns out, these young nurse don't know all the lyrics to that classic little diddy. What the hell are they teaching them in nursing school??


5. Don't tell them you're a 'squirter'. It's really none of their business but the look on their faces when it spontaneously happens is pure gold. GOLD, I tell you! 

If you don't know what a 'squirter' is watch the classic porno, 
    'Why He's Really Named Squirtle: The  
    Darker Side of Pokémon.'


6. Do not hand the surgeon this ultrasound and ask him if he'll find a new home for 'Chad.' Honestly, Chad will find a new home on his own. The little scamp.


7.  Do not scrawl a note on your girly-parts that reads, "While you're in there, could you please look for my lost car keys..." 
I woke up with another note that simply read, 'No.'  I'll be damned if I give them a smiley face on their hospital survey.

8.  While in pre-op, when asked your name and birthdate, do not roll your eyes until the whites show, throw your voice to your vagina and growl, "There is no (insert name here) only Zuul." 
Not everyone shares our love of Ghost Busters. Although, most people do share our disappointment in Ghost Busters 2.

So to recap without boring the BBQ scented piss out of you:

Ablation-GOOD. 

Having fun at your surgeons/nurses expense-BAD. 

Funny as all hell, but bad.





Monday, October 24, 2016

The Christmas Hippo



Ahhh...the Christmas Hippo. It's a little known fact that there was a 4th wise man, who was Not-So -Wise, and 3 days late to the birthday bash. He asked the Christmas Hippo for directions to Baby Jesuses crib.

Unfortunately, the hippo smelled the gift the Not-So-Wise Man was bringing--which was weed. And everybody knows hippos dig weed. And when the Not-So-Wise-Man refused to share his stash the hippo ate him....and eventually smoked all the weed.

We celebrate the Christmas Hippo because if it weren't for him, we'd be decorating our homes with ganja instead of poinsettia which a 5th wise man sent by FTD.

Another little known Christmas fact by me....and TJ Maxx department store.


Thursday, September 1, 2016

19 Common Phrases and Discussions at Home that Involve My Pets

It's a known fact that we pet owners talk and sometimes have full discussions with our pets. But what you don't realize is that our pets actually understand what we are saying. They just don't give a shit. I thought I'd open the bathroom door to my home so you could experience the conversations my husband, Ed and I have with our pets.


In case you were wondering, (because you haven't read any of the Christmas letters from the critters. Really, it's your loss because they are hilarious) we have 3 dogs; Quincy, Igor and Yeti.
And 9 cats; Moby, Poe, Fathead, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Lily, Splave & Shocky.

Moby


Please remember them all. There will be a quiz afterwards.


1. Said, by ME, as Ed and I leave the house for the evening,
"No parties tonight. And don't make a mess. Also, I'll remind you again, I don't care what the cats tell you, it's not alright to watch porn so be good."
I did find a used bottle of Shea Butter hand lotion and tissues shoved underneath the couch cushions one time. They tried to blame Ed. But I knew better. Ed doesn't use Shea Butter.


2. "Listen, all of you. Cats and dogs included--stop shitting in the living room! The house is not your damn toilet." So what did they do? They flipped me off behind my back. Where do they learn this disrespect from? Assholes.


3. "Why do you insist on stopping right in front of me when I walk? Are you trying to kill your mom/dad?" This is said on a weekly basis.


4. "Igor, get that turd out of your mouth! Ed, don't let him kiss you. He's got shit lips."

Igor aka Shit Lips




5. Said as I'm going to work in the morning,
"I'll be back later. Mom has to make puppy and kitty food money. How about you go to work for me and I'll stay home and sleep, eat and fart all day."


6. Me:  "Ed, I found a pile of cat shit in the kitchen covered up under the throw rug."
    Ed:   "Whose is it?"
    Me:  "I asked but no one spoke up. There wasn't a note either so I don't know who it was."


7. Said after I come home after work as the dogs sit in the kitchen waiting for treats,
"Dammit, you didn't do the dishes... again and you expect a treat? I gave you a list of chores and could you complete at least one while I'm slaving away at work?  Nooooooooo."


8. Said after I have just cleaned up two blobs of puke, a puddle of pee, a pile of creamy poop that I accidently stepped in and smeared throughout the house.
"F**k, f**k, fuck, F*****************K. I take you into my home and this is what you do to your mother..." This is followed by crying and drinking. Me, not them.


9. While getting a sloppy kiss from one of the pups (usually Quincy).
"Don't French your mother."
Quincy P.- Thinks he's French


10. Said to any one of the animals on any given day,
"Stop fighting with your brother! He's going to kick your ass and I'm not going to yell at him because I told you to leave him alone."


11. "Quit trying to nurse off your mother. You've been in this house for over 10 years! How old are you, 57?" Said to Petunia who is the kitten to the mother cat, Mama, and still attempts to nurse from her....and Mama lets her.


12. "Quincy, I let you sleep on my bed and you wake me up by farting in my face? That is so damn rude. I dreamt I was in Auschwitz!"
Ed slept right through the stench.


13. "Igor, quit trying to steal your brother's treats. You're being a greedy hog. Just because you horsed down your Dreambone, you don't get another one."


14. "Yeti, what do you have in your fur? Is that cat food? Stay the hell out of the cat food. You're not a kitty. Don't you give me that look. Ed, the damn dog gave me 'the look' again."
Yeti- Giving me 'the look'


15. Said at LEAST 10 times a day,
"Lily, stop cleaning up the pee pads you're making a mess."
Lily "cleans" the pee pads when they have anything on them by piling them in a big ball which rolls rogue turds all over the room and causes the dogs to pee on the piles which drips into the carpet. And I drink, why?
She thinks she's Hazel



16. "Ed, don't sit there on the couch just yet. Don't ask me why.....just....don't."


17. "Awww...come on! Did I just step on a turd? (looks at foot) Yep, it's a turd."


18. "Yeti, why does your face smell like puke. Never mind, I don't want to know."


19. "You all drive me fucking crazy... but I love you."


I'm a sucker for a happy ending.....






Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The Truth of How Dogs and Cats are Born

We've all been schooled on the birds and the bees. But if you are a pet owner, especially a pet owner of MULTIPLE pets, you know there is ANOTHER way babies are created other than bumping uglies.


It begins under couches, tables and ovens.  Perverted, I know. But that's how animals roll.



Here, you see the beginning of life.  Isn't it precious? Please excuse the chewed up chair rungs. They're often used for teething.




Within a few days eyeballs and teeth begin to form. Look how sharp they are from honing them on the chair rungs. Aren't those little fangs adorable? He's already eating kibble like a big boy.




This next astonishing photo shows when the ball of fuzz begins to grow its sexual organs and we can tell if it's going to be a boy or a girl.  Congratulations! It's a girl. Or a boy with moobs. Umm...yeah, it's a boy with moobs.





The metamorphosing creatures internal workings beginning to produce fecal matter. Unfortunately, it's on my kitchen counter. Bad fuzz ball! No pooping on your mummie's counter!





Here, I am attempting to teach the fuzz ball how to use the toilet. And to introduce him to his Auntie and Uncle Pubes. Distant relatives I know-- but family is important.





This little guy is learning how to enjoy coffee. He's almost a teenager now. Although I hate it when he sheds in the sugar.







This stupid little bastard got into a fight with one of his siblings over a tank of gas and an unused French tickler and lost his teeth. Dumbass. Here he is rubbing his sore gums with alcohol. He may be drinking it also. At this point, I don't care, he's on his own.




Here, he was dressed up for Halloween as Marilyn Monroe's muff. Although a bit distasteful, he deserves props for creativity. I was hoping he'd dress like a fun-loving Tribble...eh to each his own.




Christmas time!  He made a friend. I know it's an ornament but this particular little dude is kinda...."special."




Here he is with a full set of adult chompers.  Looking good pal!




It's been a long road, but here is the little fuzz ball fully grown! Isn't he handsome? 






Monday, May 30, 2016

Brother from Another Mother

Soooo...I decided to have my hair dyed blue. Not all of it, mind you, just the ends. It's done in the Ombre technique. Look it up, I'm not explaining it to you.

So me and my blue Ombre hair went to market. And while in line to pay for my cheese, eggs, cat food and a box of  tampons, ie. the super suckers ( I'm getting too old for this shit), this dude in his seventies stood behind me and eyeballed my hair. I could smell the judgy-ness oozing from his pours. Well, maybe it was Ben Gay. They both smell the same.

I just smiled at him. It's more lawful than than punching him in the dick. But unfortunately, he mistook my kind gesture as an invitation to pose a question. With a stupid smirk on his lips he pointed to my hair and quipped, "You know you're hair is blue? Why would you do that?"

The cashier, who had large gauges in her ears and an arm full of ink shook her head but let out a polite giggle.

I didn't know whether to laugh with her or just dick punch him like I originally planned. But I decided to take a different approach.

Relaxing my smile to a flat line I slowly cocked my head to the side and whispered, "The transformation has begun. After the death of three full moons the metomorphosis will be complete and then I will be ready to join my sisters and brothers in planning world domination."

The cashier turned away from us, attempting to bag my meager groceries. I could see the rapid rise and fall of her shoulders. Her composure had been compromised.

The smirk dripped from his lips as he plucked each of his items off the conveyor belt tossing them back in his hand cart. As he opened his mouth to spew some fire and brimstone, I pressed my hand to my breast and bowed my head.

"Your time is coming. And soon you will be one of us. We will welcome you brother."

The old guy pointed his finger at me as he scurried from his place in line and croaked, "You know, you got a real problem."

The smile that I earlier swallowed ripped through my face as if it were an alien spawn. The cashier shook her head.

"That was hilarious. Mean, but hilarious."

As I snatched my bags I walked out of there wondering; was I mean? I wasn't nasty to him. I never told him to get bent. I didn't tell him to mind his own friggin business.

I was polite.

I called him 'brother'.

Should I have been less...creative with my retort? Should I have just played nice and let him shoot a few zingers at me? He was in his seventies, I guess the old bugger earned it.

Oh well, it was too late...or was it?

As I drove around the lot I came across the old bastard, I MEAN-- my 'brother.' His car had kissed the vehicle next to him as he was pulling out of his space. It appeared he had no intention to find the soon-to-be-pissed-off driver as he continued out of his parking space-- as if he did nothing wrong. I took the opportunity to pull next to him.

He glared at me.

I gave him the 'eye-to-eye-I-see-you' hand gesture followed by me bowing my head. I placed my hand on my breast and got the hell out of there.

I drove off feeling...redeemed.

My brother's secret was safe with me.

Although, I'm not sure how safe it is with the security cameras...

This hair is not mine...But it's close...sort of....okay not really.

























Wednesday, April 6, 2016

TOP 17 Children's Books Never to be Published



These are stories that should be on the shelves of the schools and libraries because parents don't want to be parents anymore. You're welcome. 


I need someone to do the cover art for these. Any takers??



1.            My Daddy's in Jail Because he Touched Me


2.            What to do When Your Imaginary Friend Goes into Rehab


3.            So You Want to Join A Gang?


4.            The Little Penis that Couldn't


5.            My First Prostitute


6.            When Good Beer Goes Bad


7.            Dr. Seuss Shit in My Hat


8.            The Jungle Juice Book


9.            My First Cult


10.          Superfudge, Highway of Love


11.          Clifford, the Big Engorged Liver



12.          Dick in Jane's Sphincter


13.          Earning Your Red Wings: A Dot to Dot         Coloring Book


14.          "A" is for Anus


15.          Kleo the Khlamydia Ridden Koala


16.          Where's Waldo?- He Owes Mommy Child Support


17.          Poop Schutes and Ladders  (Okay, it's a  game. So what?)

Why Bumble Bees are Jerkwads

There are more bugs, insects and arachnids on this planet than there are people. That fact alone terrifies me. Especially in the spring/summ...