2015 Critter Christmas Letter
Narrated by Quincy the Magnificent
Collaborations with the Dashing Igor
Stupid Answers by Yeti Spaghetti
Typed by the Frigging Katz
Bunson, Moby, Poe, Fathead, Lil B, Lily, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Splave & Shocky
This year we decide to use the letters of the phrase MERRY CHRISTMAS to spell out what Christmas means to us.
M - Is for money. It’s the reason for the season, right? (Yeti is babbling in the background) What are you talking about Yeti? The reason for the season is Jesus? But….Jesus doesn’t start with an M. You’re an idiot go sit in the corner.
E - Is for Eggs from mommy’s ovaries that she attempted to sell on Ebay to get money for Christmas. She’s sad because no one wants them. I don’t know why? I bet they would taste delicious scrambled or on toast.
R – Is for Rabbit turds. That is some delicious shit. It’s organic and non- GMO. We asked mom for a rabbit so we could feed him and watch him make its own poop. He would be our own little vending machine. His name would be Stefan. We’d cheer him on chanting, “Poop Stefan Poop - Poop Stefan Poop -Poop Stefan Poop.” I bet you’re chanting along too. It’s catchy. Just like crotch crickets.
R – Is for Richard. He’s one of our human pack we lost this year. It is customary in the canine world to eat the deceased pack member and create a beautiful poop sculpture from their remains and undigested corn with our sphincters, thus honoring their life. Unfortunately, we were given the smack down at the funeral home just as we tied on our bibs and pulled out the spoons. No one understands the importance of tradition any more.
Y – Is for Yeti. He is da CUTEST doggie in all of da hood. He’s even better looking than his brothers, Quincy & Igor. Mom and Dad love him da bestest. --------WAIT A HAIRY goddamn MINUTE! YETI?? Did you write this crap? Guess where that ‘Elf on the Shelf’ bastard is gonna be loobed and crammed? Yeah, it rhymes with ass. Okay, it IS ass, YOUR ass. I suck at rhyming.
C – Is for Crotches. During the holidays people’s crotches smell fantastic. Yumm…Cinnamon, eggnog and sometimes HAM scented balls. It’s like mistletoe for dogs. And don’t even get me started with the delicious bouquet and succulent aromas that waft from asses. Oh yeah, ASSES! (See letter A.)
It’s just a baby but soon it will become another stray that my stupid parents will take in. But alas, some hairballs won’t make it past the fetal stage. Their lives will be snuffed out and sucked into the vacuum before they reach the first trimester. Damn you Unplanned Hairball-hood!
R – What the hell? The letter R AGAIN? Pfft….NEXT!
I – Is for Impotence. We heard mom and dad talking about some chick named Mary. Apparently her man, Joseph, was impotent so she went out looking for a one night stand. She got liquored up on some Pina Coladas and met this gangsta who went by the name, The Notorious G.O.D. He offered to give her a baby so they shared a Big Mac which must have been loaded with what is known in most religions and restaurants alike as ‘Special Sauce’ and two weeks later –‘BAM’- Mary shot a kid out next to a freaking cow. UGH! How did I not know that cramming a big mac in my mouth filled with creamy special sauce is how you made a baby? That’s the LAST time I share a Big Mac with Igor. We don’t need another baby in this damn house. And just what does this have to do with Christmas is beyond my fuzzy little ass.
S – Is for Smothering our baby brother Yeti. Igor just can’t seem to smother him in his sleep but it’s not for lack of trying! He’s like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies. The little bastard just won’t stay down!
T – Is for Trees. Glorious trees to piss on. R Kelly had the right idea. You can thank me later. The brother pens a memorable Christmas tune. This is dad’s favorite song.
M – Is for Jesus. (Igor)- What? There’s no M in Jesus? (Quincy) This shit AGAIN? *sigh* Come on! Da MAN got the first six letters in Christmas. Are you one of those right wingers trying to take Jesus out of Christmas? I bet you’re the one who took prayer out of school and gluten out of bread! (Igor)- Hell no. I love gluten. If fact, I ask for EXTRA gluten when I go out to eat.
A – Is for Asses! We found that the best way to drink booze is through our asses. Why the ass? Well, your sphincter is filled with a rich cornucopia of blood vessels and mucus membranes that absorb the booze into the bloodstream which gets you drunk as HELL. So when dad attempts to sniff our breath because his scotch has been drained, we are in the clear! Butt chugging is the way to go! Unless Igor farts. His ass just can’t hold its liquor.
S – Suck our Sorry Sacks you mongrels. There’s barely one mention of us cats in this letter. We gave you GREAT letter meanings and you Screw them all up. We hope Santa Shits in your Stockings! Oooh, that’s 7y S’s. YATZEE!
And to All A Good Night