Horror Writers Association Member

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Beware of Grocery Store Bathrooms

Grocery Store Bathrooms; Where People Take Shits....Rings and Pennies

It was my mom's birthday and WE, my mom, dad, husband and myself, decided to take a road trip to State College PA for some shopping. It was a beautiful spring day and the car ride from the hell hole of Johnstown to Nittany Lion Country was enjoyable; with great conversations and coffee fueled pit stops.

One of the stops we enjoy making is Wegman's. For those of you who aren't "in the know," Wegman's is a large grocery store which has everything.

My mom and I went to the restrooms on two separate occasions. Mom ran into the bathroom as soon as we got to the store. She has a small bladder, shut up.

Once finished, she came out of the stall and washed her hands. She had lathered them up with soap as ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BUT DON'T BECAUSE THEY ARE DISGUSTING CREATURES, and a little Asian woman starts a conversation with her about the wedding rings on my mom's hand.

The woman asks her if the diamonds were real. My mom, being a street smart like Jenny from the Block, tells her, 'No, they are Cubic Zirconia."

The little Lotus pod then proceeded to grab my mom's hand saying, "They no CZ's, I can tell. Those are real. Let me see," all the while attempting to pull them off her finger knowing they would come off easier when wet and soapy.

My mom, bends her fingers making it tougher for the rings to come off and stealthily pulls out a sword that she picked up from the sword and nunchuck section of Wegman's which was right outside the women's room (see I told you this store has everything) and hisses, at the stinky tofu woman, "back off bitch."

Suddenly, the woman does a back flip off one of the bathroom stalls and lands in one of the sinks. She reaches into her purse for her own weapon but pulls out a very nice looking eggplant instead. The allure of Wegman's fresh locally sourced produce enticed even a thieving ninja who passed up ninja shit!

The woman, knowing she had been bested, bowed to my mom and said, "your instrument is quite impressive." (You'll get this if you have watched Kill Bill. If you haven't, fuck it. Just keep reading.)

Okay. I may have EMBELLISHED the story a little.

Guess which part?

If you guessed 'fresh, locally sourced produce,' you may be correct. COME ON! Spring in PA sourcing EGGPLANTS? Please.

Wegman's bathroom story number two. Not...'number two'- as in poop. Number 2 as in numeric. Just so we're clear.

It was my turn to use said 'bathroom.' After I did my thang, I hiked up my jeans, which had shallow front pockets.

Well, a penny fell from a pocket and hit the floor with a resounding PING.

Now, I wasn't in too much of a hurry to pick up the single penny that happened to fall almost between the stalls YET... still on MY side. I was actually debating whether to pick it up at all.

So, as I turned around to flush the commode, a well manicured and be-jeweled hand reached over into MY STALL and picked up the penny. MY PENNY! The penny I had debating whether to retrieve or just leave. YES, THAT PENNY!

I know we have ALL picked up found change. I get that. We feel as if the good Lord smiles on us when we come face to presidential face with some shiny coins. But to pick up a worthless penny that you know DROPPED from the person in the stall next to you is a bit....I don't know....gross!

I mean, how certain was this woman that Abe Lincoln wasn't sporting a beard from a rogue short and curly?

What if the penny had been kissed by some 'hot chocolate rain?' I had a lot of coffee. Okay, so this story WAS a little about 'number two.'

OR what if I was carrying my spare change in my spam purse? (If you don't know what a 'spam purse' is ask anyone but your mom...)

I'll bet you're curious as to what I did when our stall doors opened at the same time and I came face to face with the Thieving Penny Whore.

Well let's just say....what happens in a Wegman's bathroom STAYS in a Wegman's bathroom.

Oh and, by the way, that is not my likeness in the BANNED FROM WEGMAN'S poster. The gorgeous blonde goddess in the poster is holding a flaccid eggplant. I would never be caught dead holding a flaccid eggplant. I much prefer the supple feel of a Daikon radish or unwashed rutabaga.

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Wednesday, April 6, 2016

TOP 15 Children's Books Never to be Published

These are stories that should be on the shelves of the schools and libraries because parents don't want to be parents anymore. You're welcome. 

I need someone to do the cover art for these. Any takers??

1.            My Daddy's in Jail Because he Touched Me

2.            What to do When Your Imaginary Friend Goes into Rehab

3.            So You Want to Join A Gang?

4.            The Little Penis that Couldn't

5.            My First Prostitute

6.            When Good Beer Goes Bad

7.            Dr. Seuss Shit in My Hat

8.            The Jungle Juice Book

9.            Superfudge, Highway of Love

10.          Clifford, the Big Engorged Liver

11.          Dick in Jane's Sphincter

12.          Earning Your Red Wings: A Dot to Dot Coloring Book

13.          "A" is for Anus

14.          Kleo the Chlamydia Ridden Koala

15.          Poop Schutes and Ladders  (Okay, it's a game.  So what?)

Igor's Resume

Although I love my critters, they are sucking my wallet dry like some fetish vampire. So Igor decided to step-up, and attempt to get a job....