Horror Writers Association Member

Friday, December 15, 2023

Twas the Shite Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas 
I was tossing in bed
As the bourbon spiked eggnog hosted
a rave in my head

Those shots of Christmas cheer were so yummy and so sweet
Until I puked in the kids’ stockings 
and on my drunk husband’s feet

As I struggled in bed
I knew what was the matter
Those damn sugar plums were dancing 
on my booze filled bladder 

So, I crept out of bed, not to wake my snoring spouse 
He's so fucking loud-  I want to sucker punch him in the mouth. (But it’s Christmas so I won't)

I shuffled down the hall, impatient for relief
I stopped in my tracks when I smelled some 
((sniff- sniff)) 
hot beef

Had I left something cooking, was the crackpot still on?
But why was it wafting from the powder room john?

I gripped the glass knob to the old bathroom door
There, rang a loud fart, a low grunt, and one fart more

I nervously knocked 
wondering who was inside
A voice chuckled, "ho-ho" followed by a meek, "occupiiiied"

I couldn’t believe it, it just couldn’t be true
This year’s number one present, was Santa’s number two

As my fists hit the door, I heard a woosh and a flush
As I barged in the room, Santa had left in a rush

The toilet seat was left up, my good hand towels in the sink 
There were cookie crumbs on my throw rug
and ‘Oh Holy Night’ did it stink

I lit scented candles
and wondered 
how’d he slipped out of sight
The room bore no windows…
Bastard slid down the shit pipe!

How rude, I exclaimed as I sat down to pee
When I heard Santa swearing
"Da’ fucks happening to me?"

Oh no, my mistake, I completely forgot
The plate of cookies he gobbled was loaded with pot

I should've felt awful, poor Santa was wasted
But he stunk up the bathroom so bad 
I could taste it

I did hear him exclaim as he flew through the night
What’d ya put in those cookies 
I have 15 reindeer- right?

Merry Christmas St. Nicholas
you jolly old elf
The next time you visit 
keep your FARTS, to yourself. 


Tuesday, March 8, 2022

The Horror Tree Interview wit THE DT Neal

 An interview with DT Neal! You heard it. DT Neal!!!  Check him out. 

https://horrortree.com/the-horror-tree-presents-an-interview-with-d-t-neal/



Thursday, October 21, 2021

My Horror Tree Interview with THE alexandrea Weis

 Find your new favorite author, Alexandrea Weis right here. 

https://horrortree.com/the-horror-tree-presents-an-interview-with-alexandrea-weis/



Wednesday, August 11, 2021

My Horror Tree interview with THE Nicholas Bowling

 

Check out his lastest work, The Following. 

https://horrortree.com/the-horror-tree-presents-an-interview-with-nicholas-bowling/



Twas the Shite Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas  I was tossing in bed As the bourbon spiked eggnog hosted a rave in my head Those shots of Chris...