19 Common Phrases and Discussions at Home that Involve My Pets

It's a known fact that we pet owners talk and sometimes have full discussions with our pets. But what you don't realize is that our pets actually understand what we are saying. They just don't give a shit. I thought I'd open the bathroom door to my home so you could experience the conversations my husband, Ed and I have with our pets.


In case you were wondering, (because you haven't read any of the Christmas letters from the critters. Really, it's your loss because they are hilarious) we have 3 dogs; Quincy, Igor and Yeti.
And 9 cats; Moby, Poe, Fathead, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Lily, Splave & Shocky.

Moby

Please remember them all. There will be a quiz afterwards.


1. Said, by ME, as Ed and I leave the house for the evening,
"No parties tonight. And don't make a mess. Also, I'll remind you again, I don't care what the cats tell you, it's not alright to watch porn so be good."
I did find a used bottle of Shea Butter hand lotion and tissues shoved underneath the couch cushions one time. They tried to blame Ed. But I knew better. Ed doesn't use Shea Butter.


2. "Listen, all of you. Cats and dogs included--stop shitting in the living room! The house is not your damn toilet." So what did they do? They flipped me off behind my back. Where do they learn this disrespect from? Assholes.


3. "Why do you insist on stopping right in front of me when I walk? Are you trying to kill your mom/dad?" This is said on a weekly basis.


4. "Igor, get that turd out of your mouth! Ed, don't let him kiss you. He's got shit lips."

Igor aka Shit Lips

5. Said as I'm going to work in the morning,
"I'll be back later. Mom has to make puppy and kitty food money. How about you go to work for me and I'll stay home and sleep, eat and fart all day."


6. Me:  "Ed, I found a pile of cat shit in the kitchen covered up under the throw rug."
    Ed:   "Whose is it?"
    Me:  "I asked but no one spoke up. There wasn't a note either so I don't know who it was."


7. Said after I come home after work as the dogs sit in the kitchen waiting for treats,
"Dammit, you didn't do the dishes... again and you expect a treat? I gave you a list of chores and could you complete at least one while I'm slaving away at work?  Nooooooooo."


8. Said after I have just cleaned up two blobs of puke, a puddle of pee, a pile of creamy poop that I accidently stepped in and smeared throughout the house.
"F**k, f**k, fuck, F*****************K. I take you into my home and this is what you do to your mother..." This is followed by crying and drinking. Me, not them.


9. While getting a sloppy kiss from one of the pups (usually Quincy).
"Don't French your mother."

Quincy P.- Thinks he's French

10. Said to any one of the animals on any given day,
"Stop fighting with your brother! He's going to kick your ass and I'm not going to yell at him because I told you to leave him alone."


11. "Quit trying to nurse off your mother. You've been in this house for over 10 years! How old are you, 57?" Said to Petunia who is the kitten to the mother cat, Mama, and still attempts to nurse from her....and Mama lets her.


12. "Quincy, I let you sleep on my bed and you wake me up by farting in my face? That is so damn rude. I dreamt I was in Auschwitz!"
Ed slept right through the stench.


13. "Igor, quit trying to steal your brother's treats. You're being a greedy hog. Just because you horsed down your Dreambone, you don't get another one."


14. "Yeti, what do you have in your fur? Is that cat food? Stay the hell out of the cat food. You're not a kitty. Don't you give me that look. Ed, the damn dog gave me 'the look' again."

Yeti- Giving me 'the look'

15. Said at LEAST 10 times a day,
"Lily, stop cleaning up the pee pads you're making a mess."
Lily "cleans" the pee pads when they have anything on them by piling them in a big ball which rolls rogue turds all over the room and causes the dogs to pee on the piles which drips into the carpet. And I drink, why?

She thinks she's Hazel

16. "Ed, don't sit there on the couch just yet. Don't ask me why.....just....don't."


17. "Awww...come on! Did I just step on a turd? (looks at foot) Yep, it's a turd."


18. "Yeti, why does your face smell like puke. Never mind, I don't want to know."


19. "You all drive me fucking crazy... but I love you."


I'm a sucker for a happy ending.....

2015 Dillon Critter Xmas Letter

2015 Critter Christmas Letter

Narrated by Quincy the Magnificent

Collaborations with the Dashing Igor  

Stupid Answers by Yeti Spaghetti

Typed by the Frigging Katz

Bunson, Moby, Poe, Fathead, Lil B, Lily, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Splave & Shocky

This year we decide to use the letters of the phrase MERRY CHRISTMAS to spell out what Christmas means to us.

******************************

M - Is for money. It’s the reason for the season, right? (Yeti is babbling in the background)  What are you talking about Yeti? The reason for the season is Jesus? But….Jesus doesn’t start with an M. You’re an idiot go sit in the corner.

E - Is for Eggs from mommy’s ovaries that she attempted to sell on Ebay to get money for Christmas. She’s sad because no one wants them. I don’t know why? I bet they would taste delicious scrambled or on toast.

R – Is for Rabbit turds. That is some delicious shit. It’s organic and non- GMO. We asked mom for a rabbit so we could feed him and watch him make its own poop.  He would be our own little vending machine. His name would be Stefan. We’d cheer him on chanting, “Poop Stefan Poop - Poop Stefan Poop -Poop Stefan Poop.” I bet you’re chanting along too. It’s catchy. Just like crotch crickets.

R – Is for Richard. He’s one of our human pack we lost this year. It is customary in the canine world to eat the deceased pack member and create a beautiful poop sculpture from their remains and undigested corn with our sphincters, thus honoring their life. Unfortunately, we were given the smack down at the funeral home just as we tied on our bibs and pulled out the spoons. No one understands the importance of tradition any more.

Y – Is for Yeti. He is da CUTEST doggie in all of da hood. He’s even better looking than his brothers, Quincy & Igor. Mom and Dad love him da bestest.  --------WAIT A HAIRY goddamn MINUTE!  YETI??  Did you write this crap?  Guess where that ‘Elf on the Shelf’ bastard is gonna be loobed and crammed? Yeah, it rhymes with ass.  Okay, it IS ass, YOUR ass. I suck at rhyming.

                                                                 **********************

C – Is for Crotches. During the holidays people’s crotches smell fantastic. Yumm…Cinnamon, eggnog and sometimes HAM scented balls. It’s like mistletoe for dogs. And don’t even get me started with the delicious bouquet and succulent aromas that waft from asses.  Oh yeah, ASSES!  (See letter A.)

H – Is for Hairballs. Which eventually will become another cat or dog. Here’s one in the morphing stage now.  

It’s just a baby but soon it will become another stray that my stupid parents will take in. But alas, some hairballs won’t make it past the fetal stage. Their lives will be snuffed out and sucked into the vacuum before they reach the first trimester. Damn you Unplanned Hairball-hood! 

R – What the hell?  The letter R AGAIN? Pfft….NEXT!

I – Is for Impotence. We heard mom and dad talking about some chick named Mary. Apparently her man, Joseph, was impotent so she went out looking for a one night stand. She got liquored up on some Pina Coladas and met this gangsta who went by the name, The Notorious G.O.D.  He offered to give her a baby so they shared a Big Mac which must have been loaded with what is known in most religions and restaurants alike as ‘Special Sauce’ and two weeks later –‘BAM’- Mary shot a kid out next to a freaking cow. UGH! How did I not know that cramming a big mac in my mouth filled with creamy special sauce is how you made a baby? That’s the LAST time I share a Big Mac with Igor. We don’t need another baby in this damn house. And just what does this have to do with Christmas is beyond my fuzzy little ass.

S – Is for Smothering our baby brother Yeti. Igor just can’t seem to smother him in his sleep but it’s not for lack of trying! He’s like Jason from the Friday the 13^th movies. The little bastard just won’t stay down! 

T – Is for Trees. Glorious trees to piss on.  R Kelly had the right idea. You can thank me later. The brother pens a memorable Christmas tune.  This is dad’s favorite song. 

  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Syqo3L-WbCo

M – Is for Jesus. (Igor)- What? There’s no M in Jesus?  (Quincy) This shit AGAIN? *sigh* Come on! Da MAN got the first six letters in Christmas.  Are you one of those right wingers trying to take Jesus out of Christmas? I bet you’re the one who took prayer out of school and gluten out of bread!  (Igor)- Hell no. I love gluten. If fact, I ask for EXTRA gluten when I go out to eat.

  I HEART GLUTEN

A – Is for Asses! We found that the best way to drink booze is through our asses. Why the ass? Well, your sphincter is filled with a rich cornucopia of blood vessels and mucus membranes that absorb the booze into the bloodstream which gets you drunk as HELL. So when dad attempts to sniff our breath because his scotch has been drained, we are in the clear!  Butt chugging is the way to go! Unless Igor farts. His ass just can’t hold its liquor. 

S – Suck our Sorry Sacks you mongrels. There’s barely one mention of us cats in this letter. We gave you GREAT letter meanings and you Screw them all up. We hope Santa Shits in your Stockings!  Oooh, that’s 7y S’s. YATZEE!

 

And to All A Good    Night                          

Yeti

Quincy

      IGOR