Twas the night before Christmas
I was tossing in bed
As the bourbon spiked eggnog hosted
a rave in my head
Those shots of Christmas cheer were so yummy and so sweet
Until I puked in the kids’ stockings
and on my drunk husband’s feet
As I struggled in bed
I knew what was the matter
Those damn sugar plums were dancing
on my booze filled bladder
So, I crept out of bed, not to wake my snoring spouse
He's so fucking loud- I want to sucker punch him in the mouth. (But it’s Christmas so I won't)
I shuffled down the hall, impatient for relief
I stopped in my tracks when I smelled some
Had I left something cooking, was the crackpot still on?
But why was it wafting from the powder room john?
I gripped the glass knob to the old bathroom door
There, rang a loud fart, a low grunt, and one fart more
I nervously knocked
wondering who was inside
A voice chuckled, "ho-ho" followed by a meek, "occupiiiied"
I couldn’t believe it, it just couldn’t be true
This year’s number one present, was Santa’s number two
As my fists hit the door, I heard a woosh and a flush
As I barged in the room, Santa had left in a rush
The toilet seat was left up, my good hand towels in the sink
There were cookie crumbs on my throw rug
and ‘Oh Holy Night’ did it stink
I lit scented candles
how’d he slipped out of sight
The room bore no windows…
Bastard slid down the shit pipe!
How rude, I exclaimed as I sat down to pee
When I heard Santa swearing
"Da’ fucks happening to me?"
Oh no, my mistake, I completely forgot
The plate of cookies he gobbled was loaded with pot
I should've felt awful, poor Santa was wasted
But he stunk up the bathroom so bad
I could taste it
I did hear him exclaim as he flew through the night
What’d ya put in those cookies
I have 15 reindeer- right?
Merry Christmas St. Nicholas
you jolly old elf
The next time you visit
keep your FARTS, to yourself.