Horror Writers Association Member

Friday, December 15, 2023

Twas the Shite Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas 
I was tossing in bed
As the bourbon spiked eggnog hosted
a rave in my head

Those shots of Christmas cheer were so yummy and so sweet
Until I puked in the kids’ stockings 
and on my drunk husband’s feet

As I struggled in bed
I knew what was the matter
Those damn sugar plums were dancing 
on my booze filled bladder 

So, I crept out of bed, not to wake my snoring spouse 
He's so fucking loud-  I want to sucker punch him in the mouth. (But it’s Christmas so I won't)

I shuffled down the hall, impatient for relief
I stopped in my tracks when I smelled some 
((sniff- sniff)) 
hot beef

Had I left something cooking, was the crackpot still on?
But why was it wafting from the powder room john?

I gripped the glass knob to the old bathroom door
There, rang a loud fart, a low grunt, and one fart more

I nervously knocked 
wondering who was inside
A voice chuckled, "ho-ho" followed by a meek, "occupiiiied"

I couldn’t believe it, it just couldn’t be true
This year’s number one present, was Santa’s number two

As my fists hit the door, I heard a woosh and a flush
As I barged in the room, Santa had left in a rush

The toilet seat was left up, my good hand towels in the sink 
There were cookie crumbs on my throw rug
and ‘Oh Holy Night’ did it stink

I lit scented candles
and wondered 
how’d he slipped out of sight
The room bore no windows…
Bastard slid down the shit pipe!

How rude, I exclaimed as I sat down to pee
When I heard Santa swearing
"Da’ fucks happening to me?"

Oh no, my mistake, I completely forgot
The plate of cookies he gobbled was loaded with pot

I should've felt awful, poor Santa was wasted
But he stunk up the bathroom so bad 
I could taste it

I did hear him exclaim as he flew through the night
What’d ya put in those cookies 
I have 15 reindeer- right?

Merry Christmas St. Nicholas
you jolly old elf
The next time you visit 
keep your FARTS, to yourself. 

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