Surgery Patients; What to do Before and During your Hospital Stay

Most of us have had something ripped out or jammed into our flesh at some point in our lives. It's not the most pleasurable experience- except for the anestesia, mophine drip or day old pudding with the "skin" on top. But I digress. Before anyone saunters in to the hospital for their slice-and-dice there are a few rules of protocol that should be followed. Nine to be exact....


1. Wash your privates. This may seem odd when you're having a tonsilectomy but trust me, your naughty bits need to be well-scrubbed, coiffed and smelling like Grandma's roses. Your genital appearance and scent will be the fodder for many discussions during surgery so make a good impression and the giggling should be kept at a minimum. No one needs their scalpel whelding doctor giggling.

2. Ask everyone in the hospital to sign the napkin you have writ your last will in testament. You gotta figure at least ONE of those signatures has to be a lawyer's. That's Pro Bono services, baby. But don't show anyone the stuff you're giving away! Bastards will try and pay off the doctors so you won't make it and your organs will be donated to Guatamalan children who are starving in Africa.

3. Wear as little clothes as possible. Naked is best. They make you remove all your clothes anyway and throughout your stay you move your stuff from one locker to another 20-30 times before someone finally steals them. People love to steal shit from hospitals. Cotton balls, surgical masks, YOUR clothes. Besides, they give you a gown to wear. It's all good.


4. Bring as many relatives and friends as you can. You will need the support. The nurses and doctors enjoy having rooms packed full of people. It makes them look like their hospital is the 'cool place' to hang out, just like they are on most soap operas.

5. While they're rolling you down the hall and you reach the holding room for surgery, entertain your roommates waiting to be Ginsu-ed with rousing renditions of Don't Fear the Reaper, Knocking on Heavens Door and my personal favorite, Highway to Hell. Nothing is so uplifting as song when you're going into surgery.

6. Let the doctors and nurses know you have read every article on Wikipedia and Web MD about your ailment and procedure. Better yet, bring in all the articles because these doctors might need some points of reference. It's been a while since they were in med school.....

7. Always ask for the porn channel during an overnight stay. Hospitals are BORING without the porn channel. Don't let them tell you they don't offer it. They do. You just have to be really insistent. Fecal tossing is a great way to get what you need.

8. Wash your privates. Yes, it needed saying AGAIN. Your genitals are disgusting. Scrub the shit out of them. And if you DO have shit in and around your genitals, what's wrong with you?

9. Do not tease about contracting Ebola. A few months ago it WOULD have been funny but today people have no sense of humor. It IS okay to ask if the emergency protocol suit worn by the medical team in case of Ebola is sexy. Here's proof that there is one such suit.....