My LAST Bloody Valentine

Noah has parted the Red Sea in my pants for the last time!

I have mopped up my final feminine crime scene investigation! 

Red Elvis....has evacuated my vagina!   Elvis was the name of my monthly hemoglobular expulsion.

:

:

And it's AWESOME.

Yep, this female was deemed privy for a procedure called, ABLATION. Let me Wikipedia that for you....

ABLATION

noun

1. the surgical removal of body tissue.
2. the removal of snow and ice by melting or evaporation.

                       SOURCE: The       internet.....duh.

So I had either tissue removed or they tossed salt and cinders in my vagina. Damn, looking back on this, I hope it was the first one...

Okay, I'm pretty sure the first one. I remember seeing a little crème brulee torch they would use to burn off my uterine lining.

Holy shit, maybe they DID do number 2. Salt and sugar look the SAME!!!

Ah whatever.

All I know is I will no longer experience the sensation of a massive clot the size of a can of Thanksgiving cranberry jelly, dropping-it-like-it's- hot, at the most inopportune time in my drawers.

Now, for some woman, this monthly ritual is embraced and considered beautiful. It reminds them

they are goddesses with the ability to bring life into the world. There are woman out there creating art with their menses- standing over canvases and letting their sloughed off cells, mucus and blood, develop into works of art! Like finger painting but - without fingers or paint....

Damn hippies.

Me, on the other hand, I am just DONE. I'm done being a fertile female. I'm done hollering,"thar she blows" as my white whale spews chunks from my tired blow hole. I. am. done.

Am I grossing you out?

Yes?

Good. Now you know how most women feel every goddamn month.

You're welcome.

So...how did surgery turn out, you ask?

Well, other than the inevitable stench of BBQ every time I have to pee...I'd say it went pretty well.

I wanted to use my blogging abilities to educate woman who no longer wish to experience hot magma exploding from their vaginal volcano.

So, I have created a few tips to get you thru your own ablation or hysterectomy.

1. Do not stuff a raw piece of meat in your vagina with a note that reads "I could have become someone." It IS funny, but not to everyone. Killjoys.

2. Do not ask them right before surgery if they'll also take 'a little off the top' while they're down there, and work in a cute circumcision like your idol, Caitlyn Jenner. Again, not everyone shares our sense of humor.

3. Do not ask for your singed uterine tissue or your uterus in a jar. They make you sign a waiver agreeing you won't ask for it. I guess I need a new idea for Christmas gifts this year...


4. Do not braid your 'carpet' into cornrows with colorful beads and request the nurses sing Buffalo Soldier as they wheel you into the O.R. 

As it turns out, these young nurse don't know all the lyrics to that classic little diddy. What the hell are they teaching them in nursing school??


5. Don't tell them you're a 'squirter'. It's really none of their business but the look on their faces when it spontaneously happens is pure gold. GOLD, I tell you! 

If you don't know what a 'squirter' is watch the classic porno, 

    'Why He's Really Named Squirtle: The  

    Darker Side of Pokémon.'


6. Do not hand the surgeon this ultrasound and ask him if he'll find a new home for 'Chad.' Honestly, Chad will find a new home on his own. The little scamp.

7.  Do not scrawl a note on your girly-parts that reads, "While you're in there, could you please look for my lost car keys..." 

I woke up with another note that simply read, 'No.'  I'll be damned if I give them a smiley face on their hospital survey.

8.  While in pre-op, when asked your name and birthdate, do not roll your eyes until the whites show, throw your voice to your vagina and growl, "There is no (insert name here) only Zuul." 

Not everyone shares our love of Ghost Busters. Although, most people do share our disappointment in Ghost Busters 2.

So to recap without boring the BBQ scented piss out of you:

Ablation-GOOD. 

Having fun at your surgeons/nurses expense-BAD. 

Funny as all hell, but bad.





The Christmas Hippo

Ahhh...the Christmas Hippo. It's a little known fact that there was a 4th wise man, who was Not-So -Wise, and 3 days late to the birthday bash. He asked the Christmas Hippo for directions to Baby Jesuses crib.

Unfortunately, the hippo smelled the gift the Not-So-Wise Man was bringing--which was weed. And everybody knows hippos dig weed. And when the Not-So-Wise-Man refused to share his stash the hippo ate him....and eventually smoked all the weed.

We celebrate the Christmas Hippo because if it weren't for him, we'd be decorating our homes with ganja instead of poinsettia which a 5th wise man sent by FTD.

Another little known Christmas fact by me....and TJ Maxx department store.

19 Common Phrases and Discussions at Home that Involve My Pets

It's a known fact that we pet owners talk and sometimes have full discussions with our pets. But what you don't realize is that our pets actually understand what we are saying. They just don't give a shit. I thought I'd open the bathroom door to my home so you could experience the conversations my husband, Ed and I have with our pets.


In case you were wondering, (because you haven't read any of the Christmas letters from the critters. Really, it's your loss because they are hilarious) we have 3 dogs; Quincy, Igor and Yeti.
And 9 cats; Moby, Poe, Fathead, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Lily, Splave & Shocky.

Moby

Please remember them all. There will be a quiz afterwards.


1. Said, by ME, as Ed and I leave the house for the evening,
"No parties tonight. And don't make a mess. Also, I'll remind you again, I don't care what the cats tell you, it's not alright to watch porn so be good."
I did find a used bottle of Shea Butter hand lotion and tissues shoved underneath the couch cushions one time. They tried to blame Ed. But I knew better. Ed doesn't use Shea Butter.


2. "Listen, all of you. Cats and dogs included--stop shitting in the living room! The house is not your damn toilet." So what did they do? They flipped me off behind my back. Where do they learn this disrespect from? Assholes.


3. "Why do you insist on stopping right in front of me when I walk? Are you trying to kill your mom/dad?" This is said on a weekly basis.


4. "Igor, get that turd out of your mouth! Ed, don't let him kiss you. He's got shit lips."

Igor aka Shit Lips

5. Said as I'm going to work in the morning,
"I'll be back later. Mom has to make puppy and kitty food money. How about you go to work for me and I'll stay home and sleep, eat and fart all day."


6. Me:  "Ed, I found a pile of cat shit in the kitchen covered up under the throw rug."
    Ed:   "Whose is it?"
    Me:  "I asked but no one spoke up. There wasn't a note either so I don't know who it was."


7. Said after I come home after work as the dogs sit in the kitchen waiting for treats,
"Dammit, you didn't do the dishes... again and you expect a treat? I gave you a list of chores and could you complete at least one while I'm slaving away at work?  Nooooooooo."


8. Said after I have just cleaned up two blobs of puke, a puddle of pee, a pile of creamy poop that I accidently stepped in and smeared throughout the house.
"F**k, f**k, fuck, F*****************K. I take you into my home and this is what you do to your mother..." This is followed by crying and drinking. Me, not them.


9. While getting a sloppy kiss from one of the pups (usually Quincy).
"Don't French your mother."

Quincy P.- Thinks he's French

10. Said to any one of the animals on any given day,
"Stop fighting with your brother! He's going to kick your ass and I'm not going to yell at him because I told you to leave him alone."


11. "Quit trying to nurse off your mother. You've been in this house for over 10 years! How old are you, 57?" Said to Petunia who is the kitten to the mother cat, Mama, and still attempts to nurse from her....and Mama lets her.


12. "Quincy, I let you sleep on my bed and you wake me up by farting in my face? That is so damn rude. I dreamt I was in Auschwitz!"
Ed slept right through the stench.


13. "Igor, quit trying to steal your brother's treats. You're being a greedy hog. Just because you horsed down your Dreambone, you don't get another one."


14. "Yeti, what do you have in your fur? Is that cat food? Stay the hell out of the cat food. You're not a kitty. Don't you give me that look. Ed, the damn dog gave me 'the look' again."

Yeti- Giving me 'the look'

15. Said at LEAST 10 times a day,
"Lily, stop cleaning up the pee pads you're making a mess."
Lily "cleans" the pee pads when they have anything on them by piling them in a big ball which rolls rogue turds all over the room and causes the dogs to pee on the piles which drips into the carpet. And I drink, why?

She thinks she's Hazel

16. "Ed, don't sit there on the couch just yet. Don't ask me why.....just....don't."


17. "Awww...come on! Did I just step on a turd? (looks at foot) Yep, it's a turd."


18. "Yeti, why does your face smell like puke. Never mind, I don't want to know."


19. "You all drive me fucking crazy... but I love you."


I'm a sucker for a happy ending.....

The Truth of How Dogs and Cats are Born

We've all been schooled on the birds and the bees. But if you are a pet owner, especially a pet owner of MULTIPLE pets, you know there is ANOTHER way babies are created other than bumping uglies.


It begins under couches, tables and ovens.  Perverted, I know. But that's how animals roll.



Here, you see the beginning of life.  Isn't it precious? Please excuse the chewed up chair rungs. They're often used for teething.

Within a few days eyeballs and teeth begin to form. Look how sharp they are from honing them on the chair rungs. Aren't those little fangs adorable? He's already eating kibble like a big boy.

This next astonishing photo shows when the ball of fuzz begins to grow its sexual organs and we can tell if it's going to be a boy or a girl.  Congratulations! It's a girl. Or a boy with moobs. Umm...yeah, it's a boy with moobs.

The metamorphosing creatures internal workings beginning to produce fecal matter. Unfortunately, it's on my kitchen counter. Bad fuzz ball! No pooping on your mummie's counter!

Here, I am attempting to teach the fuzz ball how to use the toilet. And to introduce him to his Auntie and Uncle Pubes. Distant relatives I know-- but family is important.

This little guy is learning how to enjoy coffee. He's almost a teenager now. Although I hate it when he sheds in the sugar.

This stupid little bastard got into a fight with one of his siblings over a tank of gas and an unused French tickler and lost his teeth. Dumbass. Here he is rubbing his sore gums with alcohol. He may be drinking it also. At this point, I don't care, he's on his own.

Here, he was dressed up for Halloween as Marilyn Monroe's muff. Although a bit distasteful, he deserves props for creativity. I was hoping he'd dress like a fun-loving Tribble...eh to each his own.

Christmas time!  He made a friend. I know it's an ornament but this particular little dude is kinda...."special."

Here he is with a full set of adult chompers.  Looking good pal!

It's been a long road, but here is the little fuzz ball fully grown! Isn't he handsome?