The Truth of How Dogs and Cats are Born

We've all been schooled on the birds and the bees. But if you are a pet owner, especially a pet owner of MULTIPLE pets, you know there is ANOTHER way babies are created other than bumping uglies.


It begins under couches, tables and ovens.  Perverted, I know. But that's how animals roll.



Here, you see the beginning of life.  Isn't it precious? Please excuse the chewed up chair rungs. They're often used for teething.

Within a few days eyeballs and teeth begin to form. Look how sharp they are from honing them on the chair rungs. Aren't those little fangs adorable? He's already eating kibble like a big boy.

This next astonishing photo shows when the ball of fuzz begins to grow its sexual organs and we can tell if it's going to be a boy or a girl.  Congratulations! It's a girl. Or a boy with moobs. Umm...yeah, it's a boy with moobs.

The metamorphosing creatures internal workings beginning to produce fecal matter. Unfortunately, it's on my kitchen counter. Bad fuzz ball! No pooping on your mummie's counter!

Here, I am attempting to teach the fuzz ball how to use the toilet. And to introduce him to his Auntie and Uncle Pubes. Distant relatives I know-- but family is important.

This little guy is learning how to enjoy coffee. He's almost a teenager now. Although I hate it when he sheds in the sugar.

This stupid little bastard got into a fight with one of his siblings over a tank of gas and an unused French tickler and lost his teeth. Dumbass. Here he is rubbing his sore gums with alcohol. He may be drinking it also. At this point, I don't care, he's on his own.

Here, he was dressed up for Halloween as Marilyn Monroe's muff. Although a bit distasteful, he deserves props for creativity. I was hoping he'd dress like a fun-loving Tribble...eh to each his own.

Christmas time!  He made a friend. I know it's an ornament but this particular little dude is kinda...."special."

Here he is with a full set of adult chompers.  Looking good pal!

It's been a long road, but here is the little fuzz ball fully grown! Isn't he handsome? 

Brother from Another Mother

Soooo...I decided to have my hair dyed blue. Not all of it, mind you, just the ends. It's done in the Ombre technique. Look it up, I'm not explaining it to you.

So me and my blue Ombre hair went to market. And while in line to pay for my cheese, eggs, cat food and a box of  tampons, ie. the super suckers ( I'm getting too old for this shit), this dude in his seventies stood behind me and eyeballed my hair. I could smell the judgy-ness oozing from his pours. Well, maybe it was Ben Gay. They both smell the same.

I just smiled at him. It's more lawful than than punching him in the dick. But unfortunately, he mistook my kind gesture as an invitation to pose a question. With a stupid smirk on his lips he pointed to my hair and quipped, "You know you're hair is blue? Why would you do that?"

The cashier, who had large gauges in her ears and an arm full of ink shook her head but let out a polite giggle.

I didn't know whether to laugh with her or just dick punch him like I originally planned. But I decided to take a different approach.

Relaxing my smile to a flat line I slowly cocked my head to the side and whispered, "The transformation has begun. After the death of three full moons the metomorphosis will be complete and then I will be ready to join my sisters and brothers in planning world domination."

The cashier turned away from us, attempting to bag my meager groceries. I could see the rapid rise and fall of her shoulders. Her composure had been compromised.

The smirk dripped from his lips as he plucked each of his items off the conveyor belt tossing them back in his hand cart. As he opened his mouth to spew some fire and brimstone, I pressed my hand to my breast and bowed my head.

"Your time is coming. And soon you will be one of us. We will welcome you brother."

The old guy pointed his finger at me as he scurried from his place in line and croaked, "You know, you got a real problem."

The smile that I earlier swallowed ripped through my face as if it were an alien spawn. The cashier shook her head.

"That was hilarious. Mean, but hilarious."

As I snatched my bags I walked out of there wondering; was I mean? I wasn't nasty to him. I never told him to get bent. I didn't tell him to mind his own friggin business.

I was polite.

I called him 'brother'.

Should I have been less...creative with my retort? Should I have just played nice and let him shoot a few zingers at me? He was in his seventies, I guess the old bugger earned it.

Oh well, it was too late...or was it?

As I drove around the lot I came across the old bastard, I MEAN-- my 'brother.' His car had kissed the vehicle next to him as he was pulling out of his space. It appeared he had no intention to find the soon-to-be-pissed-off driver as he continued out of his parking space-- as if he did nothing wrong. I took the opportunity to pull next to him.

He glared at me.

I gave him the 'eye-to-eye-I-see-you' hand gesture followed by me bowing my head. I placed my hand on my breast and got the hell out of there.

I drove off feeling...redeemed.

My brother's secret was safe with me.

Although, I'm not sure how safe it is with the security cameras...

This hair is not mine...But it's close...sort of....okay not really.

TOP 17 Children's Books Never to be Published

These are stories that should be on the shelves of the schools and libraries because parents don't want to be parents anymore. You're welcome. 


I need someone to do the cover art for these. Any takers??

1.            My Daddy's in Jail Because he Touched Me

2.            What to do When Your Imaginary Friend Goes into Rehab

3.            So You Want to Join A Gang?

4.            The Little Penis that Couldn't

5.            My First Prostitute

6.            When Good Beer Goes Bad

7.            Dr. Seuss Shit in My Hat

8.            The Jungle Juice Book

9.            My First Cult

10.          Superfudge, Highway of Love

11.          Clifford, the Big Engorged Liver

12.          Dick in Jane's Sphincter

13.          Earning Your Red Wings: A Dot to Dot         Coloring Book

14.          "A" is for Anus

15.          Kleo the Khlamydia Ridden Koala

16.          Where's Waldo?- He Owes Mommy Child Support

17.          Poop Schutes and Ladders  (Okay, it's a  game. So what?)

2015 Dillon Critter Xmas Letter

2015 Critter Christmas Letter

Narrated by Quincy the Magnificent

Collaborations with the Dashing Igor  

Stupid Answers by Yeti Spaghetti

Typed by the Frigging Katz

Bunson, Moby, Poe, Fathead, Lil B, Lily, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Splave & Shocky

This year we decide to use the letters of the phrase MERRY CHRISTMAS to spell out what Christmas means to us.

******************************

M - Is for money. It’s the reason for the season, right? (Yeti is babbling in the background)  What are you talking about Yeti? The reason for the season is Jesus? But….Jesus doesn’t start with an M. You’re an idiot go sit in the corner.

E - Is for Eggs from mommy’s ovaries that she attempted to sell on Ebay to get money for Christmas. She’s sad because no one wants them. I don’t know why? I bet they would taste delicious scrambled or on toast.

R – Is for Rabbit turds. That is some delicious shit. It’s organic and non- GMO. We asked mom for a rabbit so we could feed him and watch him make its own poop.  He would be our own little vending machine. His name would be Stefan. We’d cheer him on chanting, “Poop Stefan Poop - Poop Stefan Poop -Poop Stefan Poop.” I bet you’re chanting along too. It’s catchy. Just like crotch crickets.

R – Is for Richard. He’s one of our human pack we lost this year. It is customary in the canine world to eat the deceased pack member and create a beautiful poop sculpture from their remains and undigested corn with our sphincters, thus honoring their life. Unfortunately, we were given the smack down at the funeral home just as we tied on our bibs and pulled out the spoons. No one understands the importance of tradition any more.

Y – Is for Yeti. He is da CUTEST doggie in all of da hood. He’s even better looking than his brothers, Quincy & Igor. Mom and Dad love him da bestest.  --------WAIT A HAIRY goddamn MINUTE!  YETI??  Did you write this crap?  Guess where that ‘Elf on the Shelf’ bastard is gonna be loobed and crammed? Yeah, it rhymes with ass.  Okay, it IS ass, YOUR ass. I suck at rhyming.

                                                                 **********************

C – Is for Crotches. During the holidays people’s crotches smell fantastic. Yumm…Cinnamon, eggnog and sometimes HAM scented balls. It’s like mistletoe for dogs. And don’t even get me started with the delicious bouquet and succulent aromas that waft from asses.  Oh yeah, ASSES!  (See letter A.)

H – Is for Hairballs. Which eventually will become another cat or dog. Here’s one in the morphing stage now.  

It’s just a baby but soon it will become another stray that my stupid parents will take in. But alas, some hairballs won’t make it past the fetal stage. Their lives will be snuffed out and sucked into the vacuum before they reach the first trimester. Damn you Unplanned Hairball-hood! 

R – What the hell?  The letter R AGAIN? Pfft….NEXT!

I – Is for Impotence. We heard mom and dad talking about some chick named Mary. Apparently her man, Joseph, was impotent so she went out looking for a one night stand. She got liquored up on some Pina Coladas and met this gangsta who went by the name, The Notorious G.O.D.  He offered to give her a baby so they shared a Big Mac which must have been loaded with what is known in most religions and restaurants alike as ‘Special Sauce’ and two weeks later –‘BAM’- Mary shot a kid out next to a freaking cow. UGH! How did I not know that cramming a big mac in my mouth filled with creamy special sauce is how you made a baby? That’s the LAST time I share a Big Mac with Igor. We don’t need another baby in this damn house. And just what does this have to do with Christmas is beyond my fuzzy little ass.

S – Is for Smothering our baby brother Yeti. Igor just can’t seem to smother him in his sleep but it’s not for lack of trying! He’s like Jason from the Friday the 13^th movies. The little bastard just won’t stay down! 

T – Is for Trees. Glorious trees to piss on.  R Kelly had the right idea. You can thank me later. The brother pens a memorable Christmas tune.  This is dad’s favorite song. 

  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Syqo3L-WbCo

M – Is for Jesus. (Igor)- What? There’s no M in Jesus?  (Quincy) This shit AGAIN? *sigh* Come on! Da MAN got the first six letters in Christmas.  Are you one of those right wingers trying to take Jesus out of Christmas? I bet you’re the one who took prayer out of school and gluten out of bread!  (Igor)- Hell no. I love gluten. If fact, I ask for EXTRA gluten when I go out to eat.

  I HEART GLUTEN

A – Is for Asses! We found that the best way to drink booze is through our asses. Why the ass? Well, your sphincter is filled with a rich cornucopia of blood vessels and mucus membranes that absorb the booze into the bloodstream which gets you drunk as HELL. So when dad attempts to sniff our breath because his scotch has been drained, we are in the clear!  Butt chugging is the way to go! Unless Igor farts. His ass just can’t hold its liquor. 

S – Suck our Sorry Sacks you mongrels. There’s barely one mention of us cats in this letter. We gave you GREAT letter meanings and you Screw them all up. We hope Santa Shits in your Stockings!  Oooh, that’s 7y S’s. YATZEE!

 

And to All A Good    Night                          

Yeti

Quincy

      IGOR