The Christmas Hippo

Ahhh...the Christmas Hippo. It's a little known fact that there was a 4th wise man, who was Not-So -Wise, and 3 days late to the birthday bash. He asked the Christmas Hippo for directions to Baby Jesuses crib.

Unfortunately, the hippo smelled the gift the Not-So-Wise Man was bringing--which was weed. And everybody knows hippos dig weed. And when the Not-So-Wise-Man refused to share his stash the hippo ate him....and eventually smoked all the weed.

We celebrate the Christmas Hippo because if it weren't for him, we'd be decorating our homes with ganja instead of poinsettia which a 5th wise man sent by FTD.

Another little known Christmas fact by me....and TJ Maxx department store.

19 Common Phrases and Discussions at Home that Involve My Pets

It's a known fact that we pet owners talk and sometimes have full discussions with our pets. But what you don't realize is that our pets actually understand what we are saying. They just don't give a shit. I thought I'd open the bathroom door to my home so you could experience the conversations my husband, Ed and I have with our pets.


In case you were wondering, (because you haven't read any of the Christmas letters from the critters. Really, it's your loss because they are hilarious) we have 3 dogs; Quincy, Igor and Yeti.
And 9 cats; Moby, Poe, Fathead, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Lily, Splave & Shocky.

Moby

Please remember them all. There will be a quiz afterwards.


1. Said, by ME, as Ed and I leave the house for the evening,
"No parties tonight. And don't make a mess. Also, I'll remind you again, I don't care what the cats tell you, it's not alright to watch porn so be good."
I did find a used bottle of Shea Butter hand lotion and tissues shoved underneath the couch cushions one time. They tried to blame Ed. But I knew better. Ed doesn't use Shea Butter.


2. "Listen, all of you. Cats and dogs included--stop shitting in the living room! The house is not your damn toilet." So what did they do? They flipped me off behind my back. Where do they learn this disrespect from? Assholes.


3. "Why do you insist on stopping right in front of me when I walk? Are you trying to kill your mom/dad?" This is said on a weekly basis.


4. "Igor, get that turd out of your mouth! Ed, don't let him kiss you. He's got shit lips."

Igor aka Shit Lips

5. Said as I'm going to work in the morning,
"I'll be back later. Mom has to make puppy and kitty food money. How about you go to work for me and I'll stay home and sleep, eat and fart all day."


6. Me:  "Ed, I found a pile of cat shit in the kitchen covered up under the throw rug."
    Ed:   "Whose is it?"
    Me:  "I asked but no one spoke up. There wasn't a note either so I don't know who it was."


7. Said after I come home after work as the dogs sit in the kitchen waiting for treats,
"Dammit, you didn't do the dishes... again and you expect a treat? I gave you a list of chores and could you complete at least one while I'm slaving away at work?  Nooooooooo."


8. Said after I have just cleaned up two blobs of puke, a puddle of pee, a pile of creamy poop that I accidently stepped in and smeared throughout the house.
"F**k, f**k, fuck, F*****************K. I take you into my home and this is what you do to your mother..." This is followed by crying and drinking. Me, not them.


9. While getting a sloppy kiss from one of the pups (usually Quincy).
"Don't French your mother."

Quincy P.- Thinks he's French

10. Said to any one of the animals on any given day,
"Stop fighting with your brother! He's going to kick your ass and I'm not going to yell at him because I told you to leave him alone."


11. "Quit trying to nurse off your mother. You've been in this house for over 10 years! How old are you, 57?" Said to Petunia who is the kitten to the mother cat, Mama, and still attempts to nurse from her....and Mama lets her.


12. "Quincy, I let you sleep on my bed and you wake me up by farting in my face? That is so damn rude. I dreamt I was in Auschwitz!"
Ed slept right through the stench.


13. "Igor, quit trying to steal your brother's treats. You're being a greedy hog. Just because you horsed down your Dreambone, you don't get another one."


14. "Yeti, what do you have in your fur? Is that cat food? Stay the hell out of the cat food. You're not a kitty. Don't you give me that look. Ed, the damn dog gave me 'the look' again."

Yeti- Giving me 'the look'

15. Said at LEAST 10 times a day,
"Lily, stop cleaning up the pee pads you're making a mess."
Lily "cleans" the pee pads when they have anything on them by piling them in a big ball which rolls rogue turds all over the room and causes the dogs to pee on the piles which drips into the carpet. And I drink, why?

She thinks she's Hazel

16. "Ed, don't sit there on the couch just yet. Don't ask me why.....just....don't."


17. "Awww...come on! Did I just step on a turd? (looks at foot) Yep, it's a turd."


18. "Yeti, why does your face smell like puke. Never mind, I don't want to know."


19. "You all drive me fucking crazy... but I love you."


I'm a sucker for a happy ending.....

The Truth of How Dogs and Cats are Born

We've all been schooled on the birds and the bees. But if you are a pet owner, especially a pet owner of MULTIPLE pets, you know there is ANOTHER way babies are created other than bumping uglies.


It begins under couches, tables and ovens.  Perverted, I know. But that's how animals roll.



Here, you see the beginning of life.  Isn't it precious? Please excuse the chewed up chair rungs. They're often used for teething.

Within a few days eyeballs and teeth begin to form. Look how sharp they are from honing them on the chair rungs. Aren't those little fangs adorable? He's already eating kibble like a big boy.

This next astonishing photo shows when the ball of fuzz begins to grow its sexual organs and we can tell if it's going to be a boy or a girl.  Congratulations! It's a girl. Or a boy with moobs. Umm...yeah, it's a boy with moobs.

The metamorphosing creatures internal workings beginning to produce fecal matter. Unfortunately, it's on my kitchen counter. Bad fuzz ball! No pooping on your mummie's counter!

Here, I am attempting to teach the fuzz ball how to use the toilet. And to introduce him to his Auntie and Uncle Pubes. Distant relatives I know-- but family is important.

This little guy is learning how to enjoy coffee. He's almost a teenager now. Although I hate it when he sheds in the sugar.

This stupid little bastard got into a fight with one of his siblings over a tank of gas and an unused French tickler and lost his teeth. Dumbass. Here he is rubbing his sore gums with alcohol. He may be drinking it also. At this point, I don't care, he's on his own.

Here, he was dressed up for Halloween as Marilyn Monroe's muff. Although a bit distasteful, he deserves props for creativity. I was hoping he'd dress like a fun-loving Tribble...eh to each his own.

Christmas time!  He made a friend. I know it's an ornament but this particular little dude is kinda...."special."

Here he is with a full set of adult chompers.  Looking good pal!

It's been a long road, but here is the little fuzz ball fully grown! Isn't he handsome? 

Brother from Another Mother

Soooo...I decided to have my hair dyed blue. Not all of it, mind you, just the ends. It's done in the Ombre technique. Look it up, I'm not explaining it to you.

So me and my blue Ombre hair went to market. And while in line to pay for my cheese, eggs, cat food and a box of  tampons, ie. the super suckers ( I'm getting too old for this shit), this dude in his seventies stood behind me and eyeballed my hair. I could smell the judgy-ness oozing from his pours. Well, maybe it was Ben Gay. They both smell the same.

I just smiled at him. It's more lawful than than punching him in the dick. But unfortunately, he mistook my kind gesture as an invitation to pose a question. With a stupid smirk on his lips he pointed to my hair and quipped, "You know you're hair is blue? Why would you do that?"

The cashier, who had large gauges in her ears and an arm full of ink shook her head but let out a polite giggle.

I didn't know whether to laugh with her or just dick punch him like I originally planned. But I decided to take a different approach.

Relaxing my smile to a flat line I slowly cocked my head to the side and whispered, "The transformation has begun. After the death of three full moons the metomorphosis will be complete and then I will be ready to join my sisters and brothers in planning world domination."

The cashier turned away from us, attempting to bag my meager groceries. I could see the rapid rise and fall of her shoulders. Her composure had been compromised.

The smirk dripped from his lips as he plucked each of his items off the conveyor belt tossing them back in his hand cart. As he opened his mouth to spew some fire and brimstone, I pressed my hand to my breast and bowed my head.

"Your time is coming. And soon you will be one of us. We will welcome you brother."

The old guy pointed his finger at me as he scurried from his place in line and croaked, "You know, you got a real problem."

The smile that I earlier swallowed ripped through my face as if it were an alien spawn. The cashier shook her head.

"That was hilarious. Mean, but hilarious."

As I snatched my bags I walked out of there wondering; was I mean? I wasn't nasty to him. I never told him to get bent. I didn't tell him to mind his own friggin business.

I was polite.

I called him 'brother'.

Should I have been less...creative with my retort? Should I have just played nice and let him shoot a few zingers at me? He was in his seventies, I guess the old bugger earned it.

Oh well, it was too late...or was it?

As I drove around the lot I came across the old bastard, I MEAN-- my 'brother.' His car had kissed the vehicle next to him as he was pulling out of his space. It appeared he had no intention to find the soon-to-be-pissed-off driver as he continued out of his parking space-- as if he did nothing wrong. I took the opportunity to pull next to him.

He glared at me.

I gave him the 'eye-to-eye-I-see-you' hand gesture followed by me bowing my head. I placed my hand on my breast and got the hell out of there.

I drove off feeling...redeemed.

My brother's secret was safe with me.

Although, I'm not sure how safe it is with the security cameras...

This hair is not mine...But it's close...sort of....okay not really.