Shelly See Wee

Growing up, I wanted to be a mermaid. Never mind that I couldn't swim, and still can't, being a mermaid looked awesome. I had great mermaid role models; the Man from Atlantis. BBE. 'Before Bobby Ewing'. Man, he was hot. Then there was Daryl Hannah in Splash- hell, SHE was hot. Not to mention my favorite bath toy, Sandy See Wee, floating with her mer-cat in a cheap-ass green sponge. Ahhh...mer-heaven.

There was always something about having a powerful tail, and gills and no genitals...just being 'part animal', that intrigued me.

Now that I'm grown, I’ve accepted never being able to sprout a tail or sea shell boobs in hopes of catching me a few lobsters or sailors to tear apart and suck out their brains for dinner. It's a pity.

But I found that with age I do have the ability to morph into an animal of sorts. But not a cool animal.

Yeah, go figure.

Ya see, the skin under my chin is becoming that of a grand Butterball-less turkey. I am now sporting a very nice, fleshy waddle. I can even slap people with it if I turn my head too quickly. Okay, that IS a plus.

As much as I would love to say my breasts are also becoming quite turkey-esque that's unfortunately not the case. No, my sweet turkey boobage has crept further into my stomach and thighs. So I guess I'm all dark meat.

And...what the holy hell is crawling from my fucking chest? Oh yeah...some sort of turkified nipple hair. Nipple hair! When did I gestate that?

And when did turkey’s grow nipples?

And don't even start with me about my nasty birdy skin or how my butt has turned an ugly brown hue. Shut up, just roll with me here, okay?

Instead of becoming one of those cool hybrid animal creatures, I'm meta-morphosizing into a freaking Thanksgiving entree!

I bet Ariel, the Little Mermaid, never had to worry about nipple hair.

She at least had sweet clam shells to cover that shit up.

I could turn this into some, "love yourself and all your flaws" horseshit, but who am I kidding?

I got one last word for ya....

Coolsculpting.