Thursday, October 30, 2014

Surgery Patients; What to do Before and During your Hospital Stay







Most of us have had something ripped out or jammed into our flesh at some point in our lives. It's not the most pleasurable experience- except for the anestesia, mophine drip or day old pudding with the "skin" on top. But I digress. Before anyone saunters in to the hospital for their slice-and-dice there are a few rules of protocol that should be followed. Nine to be exact....


1. Wash your privates. This may seem odd when you're having a tonsilectomy but trust me, your naughty bits need to be well-scrubbed, coiffed and smelling like Grandma's roses. Your genital appearance and scent will be the fodder for many discussions during surgery so make a good impression and the giggling should be kept at a minimum. No one needs their scalpel whelding doctor giggling.


2. Ask everyone in the hospital to sign the napkin you have writ your last will in testament. You gotta figure at least ONE of those signatures has to be a lawyer's. That's Pro Bono services, baby. But don't show anyone the stuff you're giving away! Bastards will try and pay off the doctors so you won't make it and your organs will be donated to Guatamalan children who are starving in Africa.





3. Wear as little clothes as possible. Naked is best. They make you remove all your clothes anyway and throughout your stay you move your stuff from one locker to another 20-30 times before someone finally steals them. People love to steal shit from hospitals. Cotton balls, surgical masks, YOUR clothes. Besides, they give you a gown to wear. It's all good.


4. Bring as many relatives and friends as you can. You will need the support. The nurses and doctors enjoy having rooms packed full of people. It makes them look like their hospital is the 'cool place' to hang out, just they are on most soap operas.




5. While they're rolling you down the hall and you reach the holding room for surgery, entertain your roommates waiting to be Ginsu-ed with rousing renditions of Don't Fear the Reaper, Knocking on Heavens Door and my personal favorite, Highway to Hell. Nothing is so uplifting as song when you're going into surgery.





6. Let the doctors and nurses know you have read every article on Wikipedia and Web MD about your ailment and procedure. Better yet, bring in all the articles because these doctors might need some points of reference. It's been a while since they were in med school.....





7. Always ask for the porn channel during an overnight stay. Hospitals are BORING without the porn channel. Don't let them tell you they don't offer it. They do. You just have to be really insistent. Fecal tossing is a great way to get what you need.

8. Wash your privates. Yes, it needed saying AGAIN. You're genitals are disgusting. Scrub the shit out of them. And if you DO have shit in and around your genitals, what's wrong with you?

9. Do not tease about contracting Ebola. A few months ago it WOULD have been funny but today people have no sense of humor. It IS okay to ask if the emergency protocol suit worn by the medical team in case of Ebola is sexy. Here's proof that there is one such suit.....

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Welcome to the Herd


Welcome to the Herd





It was Shepard’s first execution at the Supermax prison.  He hoped he had the stomach for it.  Finally privy to guarded secrets of the Keystone State Prison, he was now one of the elite.  Months of intense physical and mental training was effortless compared to earning the trust of the Warden; a veteran by the name of Gerald Koffee.  Koffee’s reputation throughout the penal system was that of a fabled beast in command of a labyrinth of monsters.  And within the fortified walls of supermax prisons, where the inmates are deemed the worst of the worst, who better to forge the shackles of these monsters than a formidable beast?

Shepard stood shoulder to shoulder with a core group of men hand-selected by Koffee for their strength, grit and ability to follow orders without question or hesitation.  Shepard was the youngest and most recent of the group.  Rumors swirled that once a Keystone State employee, always a Keystone State employee; judging by the grizzled, ancient looks on many of the men the rumor was true.  While in training Koffee had queried if he was willing to accept death as his faithful duty at the prison.  Shepard believed in the cause implicitly and was all too willing to die in his uniform.

The window looking down into the killing room floor was dwarfed by the stature of the beast himself.  Koffee cleared his throat, demanding the attention of his elected. He then launched into what Shepard would come to know as his customary pre-execution lecture.


“Gentleman, this prison was built to hold those with no regard for life, human or otherwise. Because of that critical flaw, we are at war.  A war where we must fight to keep civility from being snuffed out by the unrepentant and the unviable.  Culling the users and the takers of the world rests on our calloused shoulders.  We are here to assist the cleansing of our society.  Do you accept your role as the last line of defense?”

The men countered, “Yes sir.”

Flooding the killing room floor with light, Gerald Koffee peered down through the shatterproof glass.  There a few dozen inmates stood shielding their eyes, attempting to blink away temporary blindness. Before placing the microphone to his lips, Koffee noted the time.

“June 30, 2030, at 4:45 pm. Let it begin.”

Shepard swallowed hard.  He knew what was coming. The men on the kill floor glared into the large window as General Koffee barked into the mic.

“None of you deserve to live.  You are a disease that feeds on the weak and vulnerable, and therefore must be eradicated.  But today I give you an opportunity.  An opportunity for survival.  The rules are simple.  You will either kill or be killed.  This is the price of gaining your freedom.  Kill or die trying.”

One of the inmates interrupted. A pending confrontation with death left him with little fear of reprisal.

“And what if we refuse to participate in your fucked up little game, Warden?  Then what?”

Koffee declined to answer, instead motioning to the officer standing to the left of Shepard, who rushed to a small opening cut out of the window and promptly shot the affronting inmate between the eyes. 

Shepard kept his own eyes forward, quietly relieved he hadn’t been asked to take the shot.  But he knew his allegiance would be called upon soon. He clung to a hope that he wouldn’t disappoint Koffee or himself.

Without addressing the dispatched inmate, the warden continued into the microphone. He found his audience to be more attentive now.

“Once the room goes red and the sirens sound you may begin.  When the room goes quiet and the lights are returned, the winner or winners will be acknowledged.”

An incensed roar rose from the kill floor, startling Shepard. He tightened his hold on his rifle.  Meanwhile, Koffee bit his lip to keep from grinning.

“Death has brought you here.  Now death is the only way out.”

The siren blared and the kill room was quickly bathed in red.  The melee was slow to start but the possibility of freedom was enough to rouse the monsters’ savagery.  Death was delivered in many gruesome and creative methods, the most common being concealed shanks that many inmates had fashioned from bits of honed plastic and shards of metal.

Shepard was surprised by his constitution as he watched the inmates tear each other to pieces.  Any relationships built at the prison were quickly dissolved in the violent will to survive.  

At 5:20 pm the red light was snuffed out and the kill room was quiet.  Five men remained, kneeling on the blood soaked concrete, each with significant wounds of their own.
 

Koffee took a moment to survey the scene. Then he smiled and congratulated them.

“Well done.  Your ferocity has kept you alive.  You have proved you are survivors at any cost.”


One of the inmates spit out a mouthful of blood and smiled at the realization of pending liberty.

“So we’re free men?”

“Free?  Nothing is ever free.” Koffee smiled, then lowered the window and nodded to his men.  A barrage of bullets ripped through the five remaining combatants.  Their bodies fell among the rest of the dead.   Everyone except Shepard lowered their weapons.


Placing his hand on Shepard’s remarkably steady shoulder, which was still aimed on the kill room floor, Koffee carefully slid his hand down his newest recruit’s arm, guiding him to lower his weapon.  Shepard’s voice cracked.


“I blew a man’s head off.  A man that was promised a way out. You lied, sir. Why?”


“Those men have killed for much less son.  I gave them more than they ever gave the people they murdered.  I gave them a gift.  I gave them hope.  Unfortunately, the herd is always growing and it’s our duty to cull that herd.  Congratulations, you’re now one of us.  Welcome to the herd.”







Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Split Personality- Ladies, Meet Your Inner "Corky"



The Zen of Becoming a Kinder, Gentler Asshole


Corky


HEADLINE:  Post marriage, women develop and spew from their loins their “Inner-Corkies.”   It’s not as romantic as it sounds so let me explain.  Before I got married, I got along pretty well by myself.  I became an educated women, I got a job and successfully problem solved tasks from the mundane to the bizarre.  But once I married, something… changed.   It was ME, but only in my husband’s company.   See, occasionally, I morph into a mentally impaired Cro-Magnon-like dude named Corky who proudly displays twelve pair of underwear on his head and has a disembodied penis as an imaginary friend.  In case you’re wondering, I don’t know his imaginary penises name. We haven’t been properly introduced. Once provoked, my alter ego comes on me like sperm on a colossal set of fake tits-- hot and fast.

One evening the sprayer/hose from the kitchen sink leaked and my husband asked me, quite seriously,

“Hey, there’s a leak in the sink.  Did you use the kitchen hose correctly?” 

HUH? Did I use the hose CORRECTLY?   What the hell does that mean?  My body writhed, my face and neck twisted and contorted like a newly hatched alien baby and with a violent shake of my middle finger, out popped Corky. 
Holy shit! 
Where did he come from?  
My inner being was trapped while Corky started drooling and spraying himself with the hose.

“How Corky not know how to use water sprayer? Corky love water. Ha, ha, ha. Corky wash dishes in toilet next time.  Spray face, spray face!  Corky no use hose no more.   Water sprayer too complex for Corky.  Bad Corky!”

It really doesn’t help that my inner Corky sounds like cookie monster on crack when he speaks…

And what did my husband think of Corky? He acted like he hadn’t even noticed the outburst.  WTF?  Corky eventually reabsorbed back into my vagina.  Why does everything come in and out of my vagina?  Whatever.  It’s never long until he expels himself from my crotchel region again.

Just yesterday, I was driving with my husband and it began to rain. He glanced over at me and sighed as if I hadn’t noticed the changing weather.

“It’s raining. You know, you need to turn on the wipers and your lights?” 

With that, my head twitched and my body trembled.  This time I didn’t bother fighting the inevitable.  I opened my mouth and let out a scream that would have impressed the metal singer blaring on Sirius radio.  With the zest of a crisp fart breaking on leather seats, Corky exploded into the driver’s seat, ready and willing to navigate the car through the rainfall.

“Lights go on, off, on, off, on, off, on, on, on, on.  Corky want to lick wipers.”  With a maniacal laugh, Corky bashed his head on the steering wheel 10…20…40 times. 

“Beep, beep, beep.  Corky crash into house and kill us both.  No more need for lights. HAHHAHAHAH!”

You know, for being such a sped, Corky has some pretty good ideas.
              
The only time Corky doesn’t show up is when we’re having sex.   I’m a friggin guru then.  Some days, I just wish my inner Corky would pop out right when we’re about to ‘do it.’  

I can picture it now, “What this? LUBE? Corky love lube.  It Minty!”  

I can picture Corky snatching the lube and squeezing half the tube in his mouth.

“Make tongue numb.  HA HA!  What you doing?  Why you hand in you pants?  What you taking out of pants?  Uh uhh!  No, no.  Corky not put that in mouth!  Mom told me to say, ‘no!’   Get that away.  It smells like pee.”   

If Corky had a vagina, I could hear him laughing hysterically if he accidently queefed. 

“Ha, Ha!”  Corky make noise with Jayjay.  Make laugh.”  QUEEEEEEF   “Corky make pretty music with front butt.   Queef, Queef, Queeeeeeffffffffffffff!”   I can imagine him queefing to the tune of Yankee Doodle or something just as melodic from Queensryche. 

So, when you’re husband stares at you like you’re some crack-head dipshit, who eats with her feet and waxes stray cat’s assholes- just embrace your inner Corky and expel the crazy bastard from your vagina. Trust me, you’ll feel much better. Plus, you know you don’t have enough bail money for murdering your spouse and with your complexion you’d look like hot hell in prison orange.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Men of Silver


This story is for the uber SUPER Geeks. You know who you are......


Check out Randommization.com   for more cool pix!
Men of Silver 

“Jeez Louise, think you could turn the heat up in here?  It’s freezing.” Bruce Wayne grumbled, wrapping his old cape around his shoulders.

Clark Kent yawned. He’d heard this gripe from his former team mate before, “How many times do I have to tell you, you old bat, there isn’t a thermostat in the Fortress.  You always underdress. Put on my slippers. They’ll warm you up.”

Bruce starred at his host, the prior Man of Steel and leaned forward in his own recliner.

The awkward silence and eventual one word answered that followed said it all, “Who?”

Agitated, Clark stripped off his identity suppressing bi-focals and rubbed his less than super-eyes.

“What do you mean, ‘who’?  I didn’t say anything that required a ‘who’ for an answer. What are you now, a damned owl? ”

Confused, Bruce pointed a finger at himself.

“No Clark. I’m Batman. Remember?” he sucked his dentures, “It’s okay. I forget who I am sometimes too. Luckily, someone stitched my name in my underwear,” he said, still pointing to his chest.

Clark patted his addled friend’s hand and sighed.

“Yes, Bruce. I know you all too well. We’ve fought many battles together. Remember the epic war with Darkseid? You were magnificent in that encounter. By the way, I ran into Darkseid at the Justice League Retirement Community. He’s still a prick but with the glaucoma and osteoarthritis, his once forbidding Omega Beams are only good for warming his cocoa.  Plus, it’s hard to get around in a nano-second when you’re riding a hover-round.”

Bruce laughed. Clark missed listening to his old comrade’s laugh. He enjoyed reminiscing about the good old days where the good guys always vanquished the bad guys.

Bruce eagerly chimed in.

“Oh and you know who else is still hot?” he solicited with a bony elbow to Clark’s weakening arm- apparently not hearing any of the conversation.

Lois Lane. I would have had a shot with her if it wasn’t for Superman,” he leaned in and whispered, “I did touch her boob once.”  

Clark balled up his fist, but resisted to follow through with a strike. Instead, he snatched up Bruce by the arm in a less-than-powerful grip.

“I think it’s time for you to go home Batboy.”

Bruce slowly rose from his chair.

“Wow time sure flies. Tell Alfred to bring the Batmobile around.”

“Alfred’s dead, Bruce. He’s been dead for over 20 years,” Clark snipped, no longer in the mood to circle the planet known as memory lane.

“I think he’s stealing my silverware,” Bruce hissed, shaking a gloved finger in Clark’s face, “I know he’s been hiding my things. Yesterday, I found my codpiece in the breadbox. I should fire him.”

Ushering Bruce out the fortress door Clark rolled his eyes which accidently set fire to couch. After a wicked coughing spell brought on by emphysema, the Man of Steel finally managed to blow out the flames with his icy breath.

“Damn cataracts,” Clark griped.

Knowing his old friend would need assistance traveling home he enlisted a fellow superhero to be his traveling companion. Clark pulled Bruce close and practically screamed in his ear.

“Bruce, Alan is going to take you home. You remember Alan Scott? A.K.A Green Lantern?”

Alan offered an outstretched hand, “Good to see you Bruce. It’s been too long.”

“Oh Alan, Alan Scott. Rumor has it you’re now one of those queers, right?”

Clark hung his head. But Bruce persisted.

“I had to have this discussion with Robin so I’m going to have it with you too. I just need to get one thing straight…ME. Got it?”

Alan bit his lip. The likes of the Joker and Penguin had been his arch nemesis in the past but now the villains resided within him disguised as years of concussions and the ravages of dementia. He was then and now the Dark Knight. He forced an awkward smile.

“Good, now take me home. I’m freezing my bat balls off. Clark, why don’t you turn on the heat? Your Fortress is as cold as the White Witches tit,” he snickered. 

Alan shot Superman a befuddled look. Clark waved and shuffled back inside. Patting Green Lantern’s shoulder, Bruce grinned and shouted, “Up, up and away!”

And with a single invocation to the Earth and a lick of green flame both Batman and Green Lantern were gone.

Clark dropped in his recliner and closed his eyes.

“That was my line…I think.”

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Using Big Ben Rothlisberger to Get My Cookbook Published


The Steelers win to the Superbowl (over 3 years ago) has helped me decide just how my cookbook is going to be published. Im going to accuse Big Ben of touching me inappropriately in the frozen pizza isle of Giant Eagle. Here is my direct quote to Star Magazine…

In my best Pitssburgh ackscent,

“I was in da Giahant Igle, jus mahdin mah own bizness. Ah was Bahin some Jumbo and made mah way over to da frozen pizza section and Ben Rothlisberger came over and asked if ah liked pepperoni or sawsage. He wasnt tawkin abaht on mah pizza, datswhat he calls a ladies 'special parts'. Ah tole Ben he shud be shamed ah hisself, disgracing me in the Giahant Igle like dat. Ah kin never watch the Stillers again. I am traumatized to go into another Giahant Igle for fear of Ben ogling mah pizza.  He tainted my feelins towards Jumbo too. “  

Without Accent
“I was in the Giant Eagle, just minding my own business.  I was buying some Jumbo and made my way over to the frozen pizza section and Ben Rothlisberger came over and asked if I liked pepperoni or sausage.  He wasnt talking about toppings on my pizza. Thats what he calls a ladies special parts.  I told Ben he should be ashamed ah himself, disgracing me in the Giant Eagle like that. I can never watch the Steelers again. I am traumatized to go into another Giant Eagle for fear of Ben ogling my pizza. He tainted my feelings towards Jumbo too." 

Yinz think dis will work?

My Top 15 Children’s Books by Functioning Addicts


TOP 15 Children’s Books by Functioning Addicts

1.        My Daddy’s in Jail Because he Touched Me

2.       What to do When Your Imaginary Friend Goes into Rehab

3.       So You Want to Join A Gang?

4.       The Little Penis that Couldn’t

5.       My First Prostitute

6.       When Good Beer Goes Bad

7.       Dr. Seuss Shit in My Hat

8.       The Jungle Juice Book

9.       Superfudge, Highway of Love

10.   Clifford, the Big Engorged Liver

11.   Dick in Jane’s Sphincter

12.    Earning Your Red Wings: A Dot to Dot Coloring Book

13.   “A” is for Anus

14.   Kleo the Chlamydia Ridden Koala

15.   Poop Schutes and Ladders  (Okay, it’s a game.  So what?)

I deleted this accidentally.....ooops.

This is what I look like. Taken before there was color film. Yep, I'm ancient. My house didn't have a bathroom or WALLS so I had to squat where ever I could squat. Thank you Johnny Hargnett for waiting till I pulled up my pants to take the pix.  Always the gentleman.



Wednesday, October 1, 2014

To blog or not to blog....who really gives a damn?

Today, my imaginary friend John Monaco suggested that I start a blog. Now, I don't always listen to my imaginary friend because I've been burned by his "suggestions" many times before. Petco did NOT think blasting R Kelly on my ipod and spraying vanilla pudding all over the animals tanks and cages on Valentine's Day while screaming 'Critter Orgy' was funny. I will be allowed back in Petco April-ish of 2019....maybe.
 
That debacle aside, I've decided to start this BLOG. I'm thinking of writing about sports, politics and a little Malaysian kid named Sven. Nevermind, Sven doesn't dig sports. He had a rock that he used as a soccer ball but the family ended up eating it. Hard times for Sven.
 
I have named my blog, Ruschelle Dillon's- Puppets Don't Wear Pants.  Because...well....they don't.  No self respecting puppet would ever don a pair of dungarees. And if they do, they're a Commy. Did I spell that correctly?  Ehh...I don't care. You smell my meaning.
 
This is where you kids come in.  I need stroked. In other words, I need people to read what spews from my herpies riddled lips. Don't worry, I'm not contagious....anymore. I can't promise class but I can promise entertainment. If you are easily offended this is not the place for you. Just thought I'd put that out there because there's ALWAYS someone who is offended. Yeah probably, YOU. Go watch some Holly Hobby videos or something...but leave this deliciously devious blog alone...or I'll tell my mommy!
 
What to expect here?  Well, humor, videos, stories, events, reviews etc.  Whatever I want to post- cause this is my blog bitches! And when I say "bitches" I mean that in the sweetest way possible.
 
Any readers out there other than Batman?
 
 

Horror Tree interview from THE Nikki Nelson Hicks

Give Nikki and her books some love. https://horrortree.com/the-horror-tree-presentsan-interview-with-nikki-nelson-hicks/