Twas the Shite Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas 

I was tossing in bed

As the bourbon spiked eggnog hosted

a rave in my head

Those shots of Christmas cheer were so yummy and so sweet

Until I puked in the kids’ stockings 

and on my drunk husband’s feet

As I struggled in bed

I knew what was the matter

Those damn sugar plums were dancing 

on my booze filled bladder 

So, I crept out of bed, not to wake my snoring spouse 

He's so fucking loud-  I want to sucker punch him in the mouth. (But it’s Christmas so I won't)

I shuffled down the hall, impatient for relief

I stopped in my tracks when I smelled some 

((sniff- sniff)) 

hot beef

Had I left something cooking, was the crackpot still on?

But why was it wafting from the powder room john?

I gripped the glass knob to the old bathroom door

There, rang a loud fart, a low grunt, and one fart more

I nervously knocked 

wondering who was inside

A voice chuckled, "ho-ho" followed by a meek, "occupiiiied"

I couldn’t believe it, it just couldn’t be true

This year’s number one present, was Santa’s number two

As my fists hit the door, I heard a woosh and a flush

As I barged in the room, Santa had left in a rush

The toilet seat was left up, my good hand towels in the sink 

There were cookie crumbs on my throw rug

and ‘Oh Holy Night’ did it stink

I lit scented candles

and wondered 

how’d he slipped out of sight

The room bore no windows…

Bastard slid down the shit pipe!

How rude, I exclaimed as I sat down to pee

When I heard Santa swearing

"Da’ fucks happening to me?"

Oh no, my mistake, I completely forgot

The plate of cookies he gobbled was loaded with pot

I should've felt awful, poor Santa was wasted

But he stunk up the bathroom so bad 

I could taste it

I did hear him exclaim as he flew through the night

What’d ya put in those cookies 

I have 15 reindeer- right?

Merry Christmas St. Nicholas

you jolly old elf

The next time you visit 

keep your FARTS, to yourself.