We all have those conversations with our spouses that we can't believe we're having. Here's a smattering of such conversations with my hubby. *sigh*
1.
Me: Why does your side of the couch smell like butt?
Him: I don't know.
(sniffs around a bit and finds the offending stench from one of the critters)
Me: Oh wait, it's dog or cat puke.
Him: Where'd that come from?
Me: Really?
2.
Me: Hey you know that; charcoal filter, jar of mustard, new pack of batteries, gallon of milk, screwdriver, stove, hat, cigarette lighter, bottle of hot sauce, shirt you said was stolen...missing... etc....well I found it.
Him: Where was it?
Me: Where it usually is.
Him: Well, I couldn't find it. You must have moved it.
Me: Yes....yes I must have moved it.....to give me room to put your dead body.
3.
Him: What are you listening to? Turn that off. Your music sucks.
Me: Why is it the music you listen to is fantastic, but mine sucks?
Him: Because it does.
Me: Well that explains everything. *Eye roll*
4.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Him: I don't care.
Me: Okay, how about pasta?
Him: Nah.
Me: So what do you want?
Him: Ehh...whatever. Just not pasta.
Me: Fine, how about pizza.
Him: I'm not in the mood for pizza.
Me: How about I strangle you in your sleep?
5.
Him: When you went to the store you got my Jazz apples, right?
Me: Ummm, yeah? (They didn't have any. So I bought Honeycrisps and ripped off the stickers.)
Him: They don't look like my apples?
Me: Well, they are. (When did he start to notice things?)
Him: Where's the sticker?
Me: *sigh* Dammit Ed, they didn't have any! Just eat those apples.
Him: Why didn't you go to the other store to get them? You know I only like Jazz apples.
Me: I WASN'T DRIVING ALL OVER GOD'S CREATION FOR JAZZ APPLES! TRY
SOMETHING NEW!
Him: Woman...you had to get me one thing and you screwed it up.
****** DAYS LATER******
Him: You know, those apples you bought are pretty good.
Me: I'm going to throw them at you and I'll make it hurt.
6.
Me: You know the shower is leaking again.
Him: It doesn't leak for me.
Me: I guess you're fucking special.
*******LATER********
Him: You're right the shower is leaking again.
Me: See, I told you it was leaking.
Him: You must have broke it.
Me: Yeah, I'm a real monster when I turn the knobs on and off!
7.
Me: How about we go and get a drink somewhere?
Him: Why would we do that?
Me: I don't know. I thought we could just do something different.
Him: But...it's Wednesday. And we're watching TV.
Me: (Giving him a stupid look) We always watch TV.
Him: *SILENCE* (watching TV and can't multi-task)
Me: Helllooooo...
Him: Dazed and Confused is on.
Me: It has ended the same damn way all 300 times you've watched it!
Him: *SILENCE*
Me: So I guess we're not going anywhere?
Him: What? What do you want? Dazed and Confused is on.
Me: Shall I slit my wrist or yours?
8.
Me: I see you ate toast in the kitchen. Are you going to clean up the crumbs on the counter?
Him: Yeah. I always clean up my mess.
Me: You do? Since when?
Him: Always.
Me: You ate toast at noon and now it's 4.
Him: So what?
Me: I just cleaned it up.
Him: I was going to get it.
Me: Sure you were.
9.
Him: If you ever go crazy I'm going to chain you up in the basement.
Me: Okay. Can I at least have a bed to sleep on?
Him: I guess.
Me: How about a TV?
Him: You're pushing it but fine.
Me: This is sounding better and better!
Him: I'll put the stove down there too so you can still cook for me.
Me: I still have to cook for you when I go crazy? I don't remember taking those vows.
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| The happy couple.... |
