NOM, NOM, NOM, NOM,
NOM (3 NOMS out of 5)
More than a few of my 300 "Friends" on Facebook have been
discussing their recent trips to the new hip burger joint cropping
up all over the Pittsburgh region; the cleverly
monikered-Burgatory.
In my research, I discovered the flagship restaurant had been established in
2011 and created specifically for the people of da Burgh. I know it's 2015 but
when you live almost 50 miles away in an area known as East of Bumfuck, you
tend to get your information a little late. But with a menu boasting hormone-free meat and a decadent "create your own burger option" it sounded like it could be worth the trip.
During our visit to Burgatory, we were greeted by a spunky color changing
little fountain.
The frenetic spitting and spewing waters felt welcoming as my
husband, Ed and I walked toward the metal and glass doors into
the cavernous bowels of Burgatory! Cue demonic giggles. Yes, I said giggles.
At 9 p.m. the restaurant was dimly lit. I guess for ambiance. We were
escorted through the restaurant by a lower level female minion whose
fatigued smile was painted on like the Joker's.
As we made our way through the shadowy maze of customers I
stumbled into an unforgiving metal chair and fell into a customer’s table. As I
righted myself I clung to what I thought was one of Burgatory's
signature pillowy brioche hamburger buns. This was not so. What helped break my
fall was a soccer mom's inflated breast. I apologized and attempted to
correct the situation by complimenting her on how natural
her fake boob felt.
Our Minion took that as her cue to shepherd my embarrassed husband
and myself to a table far away from the woman but unfortunately the
place was packed asshole to appetite. So we were seated in a booth where there were
three tables. When the tables were pulled apart it made room for 3 small groups of
people. This put us in close quarters with two college girls. They were
not hot college girls. They were lukewarm at best. Oh well.
This arrangement did not make Ed happy. He enjoys consuming great quantities of food in the
comfort of his own personal space. I was not happy either since I enjoy
cursing and mocking others at a distance. But we decided to let the food
determine our experience and not just our...experience.
I'm going to attempt being serious now...wish me luck. I don't know how long
it will last.
We perused the limited but very interesting menu. Now let me qualify
this by saying there were limited
offerings-meaning the
choice of dinners not burger choices. Because as one would expect with
a name like Burgatory, there were burgers. Plenty of carnage filled
burgers.
But Burgatory is also known for their shakes too, virgin or
sullied with adult libations. With slick names
like Grand Dad's Secret, featuring bourbon and caramel and Espresso Love, drunk
on Patron XO and well...espresso they were marketed to be delicious! A few tables around us ordered the
Campfire S'more shake. A giant marshmallow rested its fluffy laurels on gobs of thick ice cream and it looked awesome. I wanted one. But I
hate marshmallows. So...never mind.
Like any good burger and shake joint, Burgatory's menu boasts appetizers and fries
too. Fresh
cut fries with an assload of topping, sauces and condiments to be exact.
Here’s a cute cat drinking from my water glass that
has nothing to do with the review. You’re welcome.
So after choosing and re-choosing and choosing again, we finally decided on
the Blue Cheese and IPA Fries. Sounds good doesn't it? The Bangkok Steak
Fries, which were
not fries at all
but tempura fried portabella mushrooms with a peanut Thai dipping sauce. And
the Morty's Steakhouse Burger, crusted with peppercorns,
horseradish cheddar haystack onions and cabernet sauce.
I tucked into the fries first because well...they came first. I shoved a
forkful in my mouth and waited for the ecstasy that my young cute waiter had
said would ravage my mouth and make me bendable like Gumby. At least
I think that's what he said. Well, that's what I heard in my head. As I chewed, the flavor
of the IPA, (IPA means
Indian Pale Ale beer for those of you who are not beer connoisseurs or alcoholics), was overpowering and bitter. I love the soapy flavor of blue cheese but
it was put in the corner like Baby from Dirty Dancing. All I could taste was beer
logged potato and green onions. Okay, this was not a winner.
So I delved in the generously portioned tempura battered shrooms. These
bastards were 6 inch long. They were mutants! I hacked into one with my
fork and chopped it into bite sized pieces. I drizzled a little Thai
dipping sauce on the morsel and 'nommed' it like a boss. The sauce was nice. A
touch heavy handed on the mustard and vinegar but quite tasty. The battered
shroom itself was....ehhh. Without the sauce it didn't have much flavor. If I
didn't know better, I could have been eating the woman's squishy but
resilient fake boob, just a little greasier. Luckily, I do know better. And
there were more green onions as garnish. Holy green onions Batman!
If you look closely, you can see a green onion in the leftovers we took
home.
Ed bit into his burger. The look on his face said it
all. But I asked him anyway,
"How's the burger?"
And he said...
"It was..."
(Drumroll please)
"Okay."
I took a bite, since my palate is more refined than his. Shut up it is. And as the meat stroked my taste buds
(pervert) I was overcome by familiarity. Where did I taste
this before? And within seconds the little hamster in my head stopped dead in its
wheel and screamed, 'Oh my God it's Burger King!' Yep. The 12 dollar burger was
comparable to the flame broiled taste of BK. Which unfortunately, I
am not a fan. Sorry, I suck.
Okay, but what about the toppings?
I'm glad you asked. The horseradish cheese, fried onion haystacks and
cabernet sauce weren't strong enough to cut through the smoky cremains of the cow that died for your sins and eating pleasure.
Was it terrible?
No. It wasn't terrible. I am just not a fan of my meat tasting
like charcoal briquettes. Now, if you enjoy and seek out that flavor, then
this burger is all YOU.
At the end of the meal, we were given vanilla flavored fortune cookies. My
fortune was a bit sketchy.
Hummm.....kind of disturbing Burgatory. Will I
dye of
salmonella? Get it? DYE. Never mind and shut up. It amused me.
So how does Burgatory rate?
I give it 3 Noms out of 5. So....Nom Nom Nom.
The presentation of the dishes was casual with a hint of devil may care-
while the delivery was quick as a bunny by the nubile wait staff. Many of which
were barely fetuses when I started college in the early 90's. Damn I'm old.
The décor was nice and warm. Neutral tones with some
splashes of bold color made the dining
experience pleasurable. Although a tad more light would have
been nice. (Sorry about your free mammogram Boob Lady.) But maybe if I
was on a date instead of out with my husband, I could have appreciated the
mood lighting for some stealth 'reach-arounds' and a little dry humping in the
corner booth. Oh wait, never mind, we were seated butt cheek to butt cheek with
strangers!
But I digress, speaking of butt cheeks, the bathrooms were very clean; modern with their granite and metal, yet strangely inviting. I didn't
mind sitting on those seats without a crab guard. Kudos!
On the downside, I was not impressed with the food. It didn't measure up to
the hype. But to be fair, I think I need to sample a little more of the menu.
Especially the booze-filled shakes!
All in all, I'd go back. People of da Burgh seem to enjoy what Burgatory has
to offer but they also like the Pirates too...
Any hate mail can be sent to
onlyyourmomcares@biteme.com
Check out their website for their full menu!
http://www.burgatorybar.com/
5. Cootie- Where cute, smiling STD's are
created.
