Sunday, February 18, 2018

Horror Tree interview with THE John Reinhart

Poet and Arsonist...check him out.

https://horrortree.com/horror-tree-presentsan-interview-john-reinhart/

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Igor's Resume

After a day of complaining to my critters that although I love them and they are sucking my wallet dry like some fetish vampire. So Igor decided to step up and attempt to get a job. I told him in this competitive market, he needed to create a resume.


So here's what he came up with. Would anyone like to hire my dog?  There might be a little pee on the resume, sorry.




Igor Moriarty Dillon
Address: Somewhere in the Ghetto
Phone number: On bus station's bathroom wall--go see for yourself!
I_enjoypeeing onthings@yahoo.com




Dear future Boss-in-Law,

How's it hanging? I am looking for a job with your company that pays the most money and gets me lots of expensive treats. Milk Bones suck. The have no nutritional value and give me the green apple splatters. That's a nice way of saying, "The Shitz."

I don't really care what I do, as long as it doesn't involve me doing anything that requires using my paws. You see, I'm a gifted pianist and I can't get them all calloused or lose them in a freak vending machine accident. So please just leave the juju bees out on counter in the break room so I don't have to shove my paw up in the machine to snag my favorite power food which I NEED to get me through my mid-afternoon siesta time.  You...DO offer mid-afternoon siesta time, don't you?


PREVIOUS EMPLOYMENT:
Oh, my mom says I need to mention other jobs I've had. Let's see...there was the time I chased the one cat because it was licking it's ass too close to me. So, I guess that qualifies me as detailed security. I...uhhh...love to squeak things. And if they don't squeak, I rip their stuffing out after I beat the shit out of em so I'd say...Mob Enforcer. I was a go-go boy for a short time before I came to live with my now parents but...I really don't want to mention that.


SCHOOLS:
That's a good one. I went to a school in Middleburg Virginia when I was a puppy. It was called, House in the Middle of the Woods. It was there I learned from a few big ass dogs the rules to being a dog.
Which are:
1. If someone else pissed on it, it's theirs not yours. You can piss on it right after them but it's still not yours.
2. Eat like it's your last meal because it might be....or one of us bigger dogs will steal it. You snooze you lose.
3. Asses are to be sniffed at all first meetings. Even if the dog you live with took a five minute walk down the street, when he returns you SNIFF HIS ASS UP GOOD.
4. Thou shall not commit adultery. Wait a minute...wrong rule. That's for the Jewish dogs.


I never learned all the usual things that people expect dogs to learn, like fetch, roll over, shake and file off the serial number from that handgun. I'm sorry but I'm a free thinking pup. I don't listen to bullshit from the MAN, but mom says that's something that shouldn't be said outright in a resume. She said that I should put a spin on it. Sooo how about, I'm creative and think outside the box. Sure that's what I'm going with.


 SKILLS:
* Let's see.....Well....I can do that leg thing....uhhhh.
* If there's a commercial with a dog in it, I can recognize it as soon as the catchy little tune starts playing and scare that rogue dog out of the house! I hate Box from the Progressive commercials too. Obnoxious bastard.
* I'm great at counting.
* I can suck down whipped cream and snort blow off a hookers ass at the same time. Yep, I got the pix to prove it.
* And what else...ehhh 12 skills is enough.


Even though I'm part Chihuahua, I am in this country LEGALLY. But, like most Chihuahua's I do like to burrow into things like couches and blankets but I don't like to pick fruit or mow lawns. I DO like to poop in fields though. I am a also part pug but since you're probably racist, don't hold that against me.


REFERRALS:
Justin Timberlake
Mindy the Poodle next door
Box from the Progressive Commercial (I'm gonna make sure that bastard is good for something)



Damn I'm Handsome. HIRE ME!!









Look Who's NOT Coming to Dinner

Recently, I whipped up dinner for my folks. What the hell was I thinking? Now, I enjoy cooking. Not all the time, mind you I have a ...