Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Learn to Speak a New Language

Yes, I have decided to take up a new language. I spent many hours perusing the Rosetta Stone website. The languages they offer are fantastic! Italian, Spanish, Polish and Mandarin, (I never knew I could speak to oranges. WOW!) and many, many more!

But as I searched through all their offerings I heard that the Reverend Billy Graham had passed at away the tender age of 99.  That's when it hit me. Well, actually I was touched. No not inappropriately, there's a restraining order for that. I was spiritually touched by the Holy Spirit! REALLY! (and I measured-- he was 500 feet away)

I found the language I was to study and here it is.....


YES, I have decided that I am going to be fluent in Tongues!  I want to share what I've learned with you.

Lesson One-    BOOOGIEOOGIEOOGIE-- It means, "Hello."


Lesson Three-  SHAMAMLAMADINGDONGSHAMALAMADINGDINGDONGPOOTPOOT-ASHAKESHAKESHAMROCKSHAKE that simply means, "I have to poop, where is your dirty wood pile?"

Lesson Four-    This lesson is about the culture...Okay, I'm supposed to buy some fat snakes and practice falling backwards a lot while shaking said snakes.  Hummm....I think I'll skip this lesson.

Lesson Five-    It says, "DO NOT SKIP LESSON FOUR."  Son of a Bitch! Oh man, how do I say that in Tongues?  Where's the lesson in Tongue cuss words?

Lesson Six-      "How to Take Care of your Shooken Snake if it gets Motion Sickness"  WHAT??  Awww...look, it shows you how to make a little barf bag out of a milk jug.

Lesson Seven- "Good Tongue-Bad Tongue"  Hell, I learned this in 10 grade with that dude I shouldn't have been dating.

Ya know...this isn't worth all the money or the snake bites. I think I'm reconsidering my language choice.

Talking to oranges sounds pretty good right now.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Horror Tree interview with THE John Reinhart

Poet and Arsonist...check him out.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Igor's Resume

Although I love my critters, they are sucking my wallet dry like some fetish vampire. So Igor decided to step-up and attempt to get a job. I told him, in this competitive market, he needed to create a resume.

So here's what he came up with. Would anyone like to hire my dog?  There might be a little pee on the resume, sorry.

Igor Moriarty Dillon
Address: Somewhere in the Ghetto
Phone number: On bus station's bathroom wall--go see for yourself!

Dear future Boss-in-Law,

How's it hanging? I am looking for a job with your company that pays the most money and gets me lots of expensive treats. Milk Bones suck. They have no nutritional value and give me the green apple splatters. That's a nice way of saying, "The Shitz."

I don't really care what I do, as long as it doesn't involve me doing anything that requires using my paws. You see, I'm a gifted pianist and I can't get them all calloused or lose them in a freak vending machine accident. So please, just leave the juju bees out on counter in the break room so I don't have to shove my paw up in the machine to snag my favorite power food which I NEED to get me through my mid-afternoon siesta time.  You...DO offer mid-afternoon siesta time, don't you?

Oh, my mom says I need to mention other jobs I've had. Let's see...there was the time I chased the one cat because it was licking its ass too close to me. So, I guess that qualifies me as detailed security. to squeak things. And if they don't squeak, I rip their stuffing out after I beat the shit out of em so I'd say...Mob Enforcer. I was a go-go boy for a short time before I came to live with my 'now parents' but...I really don't want to mention that.

That's a good one. I went to a school in Middleburg Virginia when I was a puppy. It was called, House in the Middle of the Woods. It was there I learned from a few big ass dogs the rules of being a dog...
Which are:
1. If someone else pissed on it, it's theirs not yours. You can piss on it right after them-- but it's still not yours.
2. Eat like it's your last meal because it might be....or one of us bigger dogs will steal it. You snooze you lose.
3. Asses are to be sniffed at all first meetings. Even if the dog you live with took a five minute walk down the street, when he returns you SNIFF HIS ASS UP GOOD.
4. Thou shall not commit adultery. Wait a minute...wrong rule. That's for the Jewish dogs.

I never learned all the usual things that people expect dogs to learn, like fetch, roll over, shake and filing off the serial numbers from handguns.

I'm sorry but I'm a free thinking pup. I don't listen to bullshit from the MAN, but mom says that's something that shouldn't be said outright in a resume. She said that I should put a spin on it. Sooo how about-- I'm creative and think outside the box. Sure... that's what I'm going with.

* Let's see.....Well....I can do that leg thing....uhhhh....
* If there's a commercial with a dog in it, I can recognize it as soon as the catchy little tune starts playing and scare that rogue dog out of the house! I hate Box from the Progressive commercials too. Obnoxious bastard.
* I'm great at counting.
* I can suck down whipped cream and snort blow off a hookers ass at the same time. Yep, I got the pix to prove it.
* And what else...ehhh 12 skills is enough.

Even though I'm part Chihuahua, I am in this country LEGALLY. But, like most Chihuahuas, I do like to burrow into things like couches and blankets but I don't like to pick fruit or mow lawns. I DO like to poop in fields though. I am a also part pug but since you're probably racist, don't hold that against me.

Justin Timberlake

Mindy the Poodle next door - but she just died so...don't call her. That would be insensitive. 

Box from the Progressive Commercial (I'm gonna make sure that bastard is good for something).

Damn I'm Handsome. HIRE ME!!

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