“10 Reasons You’re Not Getting A ‘Critter-Written’ Dillon Christmas Letter in 2014"
As Explained by; Ozzy, Tazzy, Quincy & the Cats; Sass, Bunson, Moby, Church, Poe, Lil B, Fathead, Spot, Petunia & Beepers
10. Because of the shitty economy, Santa signed up for unemployment, ate two of his reindeer and pimped out most of his vertically enhanced elves (take a minute to think about that last one). So there will be no Christmas Cheer spread to anyone, not even to smug bastards like yourself who feel entitled to Christmas Cheer.
9. We sent you Christmas letters 3 years in a row. Go back and read one of them.
8. We really don’t like you.
7. We found out some of you don’t read our letters. And on that note, see reason number 8.
6. Most people’s Christmas letters are boring. Our letters are quirky, fun and entertaining as all hell. We decided it was best not to make yours look bad. There’s a thoughtful gift. Merry Christmas.
5. Because this letter will make your ass look fat. So will all the Christmas cookies and shit you're gonna shove in your gluttonous pie-hole. We’re trying to save you precious calories so your ass won’t look AS fat. Hey, we can only do so much.
4. Because Mom & Dad won’t let us near the kitchen knives anymore. This statement has nothing to do with why you’re not getting a Christmas letter. We’re just really pissed about not being allowed to stab shit. Killjoys.
3. Because we’re too busy doing drugs. Writing Christmas letters takes up too much time from couching, shooting up and eating shit out of the garbage. DUH!!!
2. Nothing fun or exciting happened this year and I’m sure if it did, you really wouldn’t give two-shits. If you are “intimate” friends/family, you already know about all the unexciting stuff we did this year,(because you were probably a part of it) & we wouldn’t have to try to sum up a year in a stoopid-ass Christmas letter that you won’t read, because as we already stated, you don’t give two-shits!
1. Jesus told us not to. Why he’s always cleaning out our gutters and shoveling our sidewalks and mowing our bushes is beyond our furry little heads? Who are we to argue with our Lord and Gardner? And who knew Jesus had a beautiful German accent?
Well, Happy Holiday’s Ya Bastards!