Friday, August 26, 2016

Will You Give me a Quote for my Car and a Penis?

I work at an insurance company where I quote automobiles and homes. So when I received a call the other day for an auto quote I wasn't too surprised.  Annoyed, yes, I was playing Mahjongg and kicking ASS but I wasn't surprised. So I feigned enthusiasm while mother-fu*king him under my breath. I's a gift.

He says his name is Eric and promptly tells me someone is at the door. I hear him babbling about "perfect timing." Whatever dude, answer the door. Hang up while your at it- I really don't care. I can start a new game of Mahjongg or surf Facebook or eat something I found in the back of my desk.

But I didn't get that lucky. Skippy, (I know his name is Eric but he doesn't deserve that name so he is now Skippy) gets back on the line and tells me it was his wife's ex-husband dropping something off.

I think to myself, what do you want me to do with this information? So I say, "Oh okay." But instead of Skippy moving on to discuss insurance, he begins to tell me that the ex-husband is 6-8 foot tall and is a body builder. I also discover that Skippy is only 5-10 and his wife is 5-2. So I guess now I can pick them out of a line up.

My head is saying, "I don't give a hot shit" but my mouth is saying, "Oh. He's a big man."

Skippy continues to tell me that they belong to the same gym and they were in the locker room after a work out and the ex-husband decides to start a conversation with him while they were both buck naked.

I chuckle a little.

He continues on- telling me that he didn't want to look at the dude's penis but was COMPELLED to do so.

I said the only thing that could be said, "Hey, it's human nature. I'd have looked at it too."

THEN, Skippy starts telling me how HUGE this dude's penis is and that he was impressed.

Again, I said the only thing that could be said, "The man's a body builder so I bet it WAS impressive."

After a few more dick comments, (which to my dismay did not include girth or ball circumference)and me not flinching or getting uncomfortable, I decide I was done discussing penises ( I know. I shocked myself too.) and asked him his LAST name so we can begin the quote, to which Skippy hung up the phone!


You called the WRONG agency buddy-boy if you were looking to freak someone out talking about penises. For I am the Penis Queen! 

Okay, that didn't sound as good as it did in my head. Anywho...

I will say that the conversation was the highlight of my day. It's not everyday I get to discuss schlongs with potential insureds. It certainly beats playing, 'how old is this HoHo in my desk and should I eat it."

If anyone else should like to call me at work and discuss penises I would be glad to do so. But please, be polite and not call me at home.

The Penis Queen does need her rest.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Change BAD

My husband Ed cannot handle change. Even the littlest things spaz him out. And lately, I have been doing some crazy things to him that are shaking him to the core.

For example, last week, I bought him different apples. They were out of Jazz apples so I bought these Envy apples.  You'd have thought tried to sell his left nut.

Our guitar player got us a gig in Ligonier which is MAYBE 25 minutes from our house. Ed's response, "In Ligonier? Why all the way out there???"  My response? Did they fucking move Ligonier??? OMG!  Right nut....gone.

Today, I picked up battery powered toothbrushes. Well, these things AND I must be in league with the devil. He says, "Woman, (when he uses WOMAN, I know I'm a totally horrible wife who uses his man parts for soups and stews), Woman, you are pushing me! Pushing me!!!"  Annnnd now I am in possession of his penis.

So change, in Ed- World  is BAD. And I am in possession of all his wrinkly scrotal kibbles N bits.  And I have no damn use for em....I wonder if Ed will want to donate them to the less fortunate. Yeah...I doubt it too.  Change is BAD.

Guess what kind of meat is in the bowl??

Beef ya sick buggers.

The Ten Minutes I was Pregnant.

Okay, so as the title reads, I was 'pregnant' for 10 minutes...but unlike most women who are happy to show off their bun in the oven...