He's bigger and badder in this interview than he's ever been! Give him some love. But not THAT kind of love...he IS married.
Monday, July 8, 2019
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Growing up, I wanted to be a mermaid. Never mind that I couldn't swim, and still can't, being a mermaid looked awesome. I had great mermaid role models; the Man from Atlantis. BBE. 'Before Bobby Ewing'. Man, he was hot. Then there was Daryl Hannah in Splash- hell, SHE was hot. Not to mention my favorite bath toy, Sandy See Wee, floating with her mer-cat in a cheap-ass green sponge. Ahhh...mer-heaven.
There was always something about having a powerful tail, and gills and no genitals...just being 'part animal', that intrigued me.
Now that I'm grown, I’ve accepted never being able to sprout a tail or sea shell boobs in hopes of catching me a few lobsters or sailors to tear apart and suck out their brains for dinner. It's a pity.
But I found that with age I do have the ability to morph into an animal of sorts. But not a cool animal.
Yeah, go figure.
Ya see, the skin under my chin is becoming that of a grand Butterball-less turkey. I am now sporting a very nice, fleshy waddle. I can even slap people with it if I turn my head too quickly. Okay, that IS a plus.
As much as I would love to say my breasts are also becoming quite turkey-esque that's unfortunately not the case. No, my sweet turkey boobage has crept further into my stomach and thighs. So I guess I'm all dark meat.
And...what the holy hell is crawling from my fucking chest? Oh yeah...some sort of turkified nipple hair. Nipple hair! When did I gestate that?
And when did turkey’s grow nipples?
And don't even start with me about my nasty birdy skin or how my butt has turned an ugly brown hue. Shut up, just roll with me here, okay?
Instead of becoming one of those cool hybrid animal creatures, I'm meta-morphosizing into a freaking Thanksgiving entree!
I bet Ariel, the Little Mermaid, never had to worry about nipple hair.
She at least had sweet clam shells to cover that shit up.
I could turn this into some, "love yourself and all your flaws" horseshit, but who am I kidding?
I got one last word for ya....
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Black Bean Soup
I created this soup to show my love for all beans....
Read the full recipe for quantities. I wrote it ass backwards.
Veggy or Canola Oil
Tomatoes and Green Chili
Chicken or Veggie Broth
Salt & Pecker
In a big ass pot…
Pour your Tablespoon of oil into said, big ass pot.
1 package diced onions (I'm a lazy bitch but- two hand diced medium onions will work if you’re a show off)
1 large bell pepper
1 big fat Tablespoon of minced garlic (again, yes it's pre- minced and from a jar …I told you I'm lazy)
**Optional for spice, add a seeded and chopped jalapeno. (do not touch your eyes or genitals immediately, afterwards unless you are a sick little bastard.)
Season with salt and pecker…SWEAT THIS IN SOME VEGGY or CANOLA OIL until tender.
Once hot and sweaty, like YOU on a Saturday night in your early 20’s when you discovered questionable men and Fireball shots, add…
1 can of diced tomatoes with chili peppers (why, because I said so) NEXT dump
5 cans of black beans (not 4, not 6 but 5. Do not question my fake cookery)
1 box of chicken or veggy broth BUT add only enough to cover the beans. Got it? (Not my fault if you don't and you F it up.)
Spice that bitch up with 2 or 3 bay leaves and let it get all sexy…just like you thought you were on a Saturday night in your twenties.
After the beans are heated thru, remove bay leaves and get out the thing in your cupboard that looks like a vibrator. The hand ELMUSIFIER! If you don't own one, get one. Please…do not use the Mr. Buzz-Buzz you keep in the back of your dresser. Trying to get the stench of beans from it afterwards is aawful for YOU and Mr. Buzz-Buzz. Oh… instead you can do small batches in your food processor.
Once the pot is properly smooth and thick…add the bay leaves back in and…
Cumin (to taste) AND…
Ham Base (to taste) What is ham base, you wonder? It's freshly squoosen ham, dried and formed into salty crystals. Okay, not really but that's the answer I'm sticking with.
Veggyheads…just don't add it.
Salt & Pecker
Ladle into bowls with generous swirls of sour cream and a shit load of crunchy tortilla chips.
If I forgot anything…that's all on you.
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