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2014 Dillon Critter Christmas Letter

“10 Reasons You’re Not Getting A ‘Critter-Written’ Dillon Christmas Letter in 2014"
As Explained by; Ozzy, Tazzy, Quincy & the Cats; Sass, Bunson, Moby, Church, Poe, Lil B, Fathead, Spot, Petunia & Beepers
10.Because of the shitty economy, Santa signed up for unemployment,ate two of his reindeer and pimped out most of his vertically enhanced elves (take a minute to think about that last one).  So there will be no Christmas Cheer spread to anyone, not even to smug bastards like yourself who feel entitled to Christmas Cheer.
9.We sent you Christmas letters 3 years in a row.Go back and read one of them.
8.We really don’t like you.
7.We found out some of you don’t read our letters.And on that note, see reason number 8.
6.Most people’s Christmas letters are boring.Our letters are quirky, fun and entertaining as all hell.We decided it was best not to make you look bad.There’s a thoughtful gift. Merry Christmas.
5.Because this letter will make your ass look fat.So will all the Christma…
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Conversations with my Husband......

We all have those conversations with our spouses that we can't believe we're having.  Here's a smattering of such conversations with my hubby. *sigh*


1.
    Me: Why does your side of the couch smell like butt?
    Him: I don't know.
 (sniffs around a bit and finds the offending stench from one of the critters
    Me: Oh wait, it's puke.
    Him: Where'd that come from?
    Me: I guess the puke fairy.




2.
    Me: Hey you know that; charcoal filter, jar of mustard, new pack of batteries, gallon of milk,  screwdriver, stove, hat, cigarette lighter, bottle of hot sauce, shirt you said was stolen...missing... etc....well I found it.
    Him: Where was it? 
    Me: Where it usually is.
    Him: Well, I couldn't find it. You must have moved it.
    Me: Yes....yes I must have moved it.....to give me room to put your dead body.




3.
    Him: What are you listening to? Turn that off. Your music sucks.
    Me: Why is it the music you listen to is fantastic but m…

How to Handle Shitty Comments from Others on your Blog/Writing.

People suck.

Yep, I said it.

People. Suck.

Now, let me backpedal a little; not all people suck...all the time. Come on, we ALL suck a little. We can't help ourselves. As humans our genes give us lips...which create suction and in turn causes us to say really sucky things to each other.

And as a writer, I have had my ass handed to me by people who hate my blog posts, stories and apparently my face.  Damn my face!


Case in point...

"Thanks for being an annoying c**t for no reason."

This sweet little love note was sent to me from a stranger veiled behind a computer screen via the comments section of a social platform.

So what did I do to deserve this adorable pet name from a stranger?


Did I send an obnoxious game request over and over....and over.


Did I send a chain letter email that would bring death and destruction to them if they didn't forward it?


Did I send them a Trojan and not the glow in the dark, little rubber kind?


No, it was worse.


Much worse.

I wrote a blog…

The 2016 Dillon Critter Christmas Letter

Narrated in Morgan Freeman's voice by Quincy Interjections of frequent harassment by Igor and Yeti Written in Santa's warm Christmas blood by the cats; Moby, Poe, Fathead, Lily, Petunia, Beepers, Mama, Splave and Shocky

We've decided that each one of us are going to share with you a little bit of what we are thankful for this holiday season, and maybe offer you a Christmas list of crap we want you to buy us. We're not proud. The asshole cats will go first. Why? Well, they won the Yeti toss. I wanted to call HEADS because Yeti has such a big fat skull but nooo...Igor wanted tails. Why do I listen to him? Damn half-breed chug.



Shocky: What I am thankful for this holiday season is our Savior, the Man with the Plan. President elect, Donald Trump! He's gonna build a wall with his tiny- yet ever so soft hands.




Igor:*sigh* And where will this wall go?


Shocky: Don't you follow political religion? The wall goes all the way to Mexico which is the gateway to hell. That'…

Black Friday Bitches

So I went Black Friday shopping and stopped at Victoria's Secret. Why? Well, I had to pick up a few things....for a friend.

Honestly, I hate going into that store. The "Bra Specialists" stalk you with talk of finding your perfect fit. Okay, number one, what schooling do you need to become a "Bra Specialist?" Is it a four year program? Can one eventually get their Masters in Tittology? All I can say is...bitch better have some sort of degree. And TWO, there is no damn thing as a 'perfect fit.' It's a goddamn bra! Bra's suck.


Plus, the staff hovers. Come on! My head is the same size as my boobs. So when I try the bras on my noggin in the middle of store, I don't really need a "specialist" looming over me, treating me like I'm some sort of sped. Shut up. It works for me and that's all that matters.


Red makes me feel sexy!

While slogging thru the deep throng of whiny bitches, I happened across a door busters sign on gutichies t…

My LAST Bloody Valentine

Noah has parted the Red Sea in my pants for the last time!
I have mopped up my final feminine crime scene investigation! 
Red Elvis....has evacuated my vagina!   Elvis was the name of my monthly hemoglobular expulsion. :
: And it's AWESOME.


Yep, this female was deemed privy for a procedure called, ABLATION. Let me Wikipedia that for you....
ABLATION noun the surgical removal of body tissue. the removal of snow and ice by melting or evaporation.                     SOURCE: The internet.....duh. So I had either tissue removed or they tossed salt and cinders through my vagina. Damn, looking back on this, I hope it was the first one...

Okay, I'm pretty sure the first one. I remember seeing a little crème brulee torch they would use to burn off my uterine lining.
Holy shit, maybe they DID do number 2. Salt and sugar look the SAME!!!

Ah whatever.

All I know is I will no longer experience the sensation of a massive clot the size of a can of Thanksgiving cranberry jelly dropping-it…

The Christmas Hippo

Ahhh...the Christmas Hippo. It's a little known fact that there was a 4th wise man, who was Not-So -Wise, and 3 days late to the birthday bash ,who asked the Christmas Hippo for directions to Baby Jesuses crib.

Unfortunately, the hippo smelled the gift the Not-So-Wise Man was bringing, which was weed. And everybody knows hippos dig weed. And when the Not So Wise Man refused to share his stash the hippo ate him....and eventually smoked all the weed.

We celebrate the Christmas Hippo because if it weren't for him, we'd be decorating our homes with ganja instead of poinsettia which a 5th wise man sent by FTD.

Another little known Christmas fact by me....and TJ Maxx department store.