How to Tell When Your New Found Psychic is a Fraud

In this unpredictable world we all live in, people want to know just what their shitty lives have in store for them. Some people look for guidance, solace and answers in a psychic, medium or clairvoyant.


I have this friend who says she met this cool psychic and she's the REAL DEAL. And continued on and on about how SPOT ON this psychic was.
I didn't share my friends enthusiasm. Now, I'm not saying I don't believe in psychics, I do. I believe there are people who are 'gifted' and have tremendous abilities. But I'm also a cautious skeptic. And that's a good thing, because cautious skeptics refuse to be hosed by charlatans but are genuinely awed and appreciative of the 'real deal.'


But for giggles and shits, I asked my friend, "So where'd you meet this psychic?" Excitedly, she giggled, "It was Kismet!"
 (I knew I wasn't getting out of this conversation.)
She continued, "See, on a whim, I went to the one grocery store where I NEVER shop. And for some reason I was compelled, COMPELLED, to check out the meat section and before I knew it, I'm fondling up the pork butts. They were so...firm. And you know that's so unlike me. I don't fondle meat."
I snicker because I know damn well my friend is a meat fondler from WAY back. But she ignores my gaff and continues prattling on.
"I look over and there's another woman fondling the butts. She grabs one of the pork butts I had just put back in the case and said, 'I don't mean to pry but I'm reading this pork butt and it's telling me you were planning on making a nice meal for someone...are you married? I believe you are planning on making a meal for your husband." I couldn't believe it! She was right! How did she know I was gonna make a MEAL for my husband?"
 I wanted to tell her, It could have been the ring...but...whatever. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her how much of a gullible dumb shit she was.


So, I'm gifting you with nine signs that will let you know your left tit is more 'in-tune' to your future than your psychic....or your right tit. The right tit is a damn con-artist!


1. Your psychic is rifling thru your purse when you come back from the bathroom. And don't believe her when she says she was searching for gum! Psychics don't need to search for gum. They always know where it is!

2. She asks to see your cell phone (thinking she's going to read your energy from it) but she calls the psychic hotline instead. "Hello, Miss Cleo. I got a live one here? How many cats does she got?"

3. She jiggles not one but TWO Magic 8 Balls impressively in one hand and calls her spirit guide "Big Daddy."

4. She asks for your resume.

5. She tells you her spirit guide is Mark Zuckerberg's twice absorbed twin and he needs you to "friend" him on Facebook so he can absorb YOUR energy and transmit it to her!

6. She asks you to bring a piece of your jewelry or a family heirloom to the reading  so she can interpret the energy signatures exuding from it. As she molests the intimate item in her hands she pours a cup of Turkish coffee. She instructs you to drink most of it, but leave the dregs in the bottom of the cup. These dregs will help fill in the gaps if the energy from the object is weak. You suck the nasty shit down. Turkish coffee is terrible.

Unfortunately, you wake up hours later wearing only a suspect pair of stained mens tighty-whities and a t-shirt that reads, "I'm What Willis was Talking About" behind the dumpster of an abandoned Chick-fil-a.  Your jewelry, purse and teacup labradoodle is gone.

Why do I keep falling for that one? Second damn teacup labradoodle I lost.

7. Lighting every candle in the room, the psychic informs you that the smoke will cleanse your negative energy, but you clearly see the crumpled Chipotle bag peeking from the garbage can and the not-so-subtle nasal assault of a taco laced air biscuit.

8. She answers the door in her paisley moo moo, blows clove cigarette smoke in your face and tells you that you're a gullible t$#t before slamming the door on you.

This one might be credible...

9. Instead of tea leaves she reads dirty hot dog water teaming with the remains and bits of wieners past.

 Eww...but...color me intrigued.