“10 Reasons You’re Not Getting A ‘Critter-Written’ Dillon Christmas Letter in 2012"
As Explained by; Ozzy, Tazzy, Quincy & the Cats; Sass, Bunson, Moby, Church, Poe, Lil B, Fathead, Spot, Petunia & Beepers
10. Because of the shitty economy, Santa signed up
for unemployment, ate two of his
reindeer and pimped out most of his vertically enhanced elves (take a minute to
think about that last one). So there will be no Christmas Cheer spread to
anyone, not even to smug bastards like yourself who feel entitled to Christmas
Cheer.
9. We sent you Christmas letters 3 years in a
row. Go back and read one of them.
8. We really don’t like you.
7. We found out some of you don’t read our
letters. And on that note, see reason
number 8.
6. Most people’s Christmas letters are
boring. Our letters are quirky, fun and
entertaining as all hell. We decided it
was best not to make yours look bad. There’s a thoughtful gift. Merry Christmas.
5. Because this letter will make your ass look
fat. So will all the Christmas cookies
and shit you're gonna shove in your gluttonous pie-hole. We’re trying to save you precious calories so
your ass won’t look AS fat. Hey, we can
only do so much.
4. Because
Mom & Dad won’t let us near the kitchen knives anymore. This statement has nothing to do with why
you’re not getting a Christmas letter.
We’re just really pissed about not being allowed to stab shit. Killjoys.
3. Because we’re too busy doing drugs. Writing Christmas letters takes up too much
time from couching, shooting up and eating shit out of the garbage. DUH!!!
2. Nothing fun or exciting happened this
year and I’m sure if it did, you really wouldn’t give two-shits. If you are “intimate” friends/family, you
already know about all the unexciting stuff we did this year,(because you were
probably a part of it) & we wouldn’t have to try to sum up a year in a stoopid-ass
Christmas letter that you won’t read, because as we already stated, you don’t
give two-shits!
1. Jesus told us not to. Why he’s always cleaning out our gutters and
shoveling our sidewalks and mowing our bushes is beyond our furry little
heads? Who are we to argue with our Lord and Gardner? And who knew Jesus had a beautiful German
accent?
Well,
Happy Holiday’s Ya Bastards!
The Dillon Clan
I must say, this article is quite brazen and honest. There is no intro or build up but I guess the writer didn't want to bore the audience and get straight to the point which is not a bad approach. The outlook is nice.
ReplyDeleteThis article is a Christmas Letter written by my pets. They have no clue how to correctly write a story, newspaper article or manifesto. Sorry.
Delete