|Middle Finger Man is disappointed in YOU!|
Yep, I said it.
Now, let me backpedal a little; not all people suck...all the time. Come on, we ALL suck a little. We can't help ourselves. As humans our genes give us lips...which create suction, and in turn, causes us to say really sucky things to each other.
And as a writer, I have had my ass handed to me by people who hate my blog posts, stories and apparently my face. Damn my face!
Case in point...
"Thanks for being an annoying c**t for no reason."
This sweet little love note was sent to me from a stranger veiled behind a computer screen via the comments section of a social platform.
So what did I do to deserve this adorable pet name from a stranger?
Did I send an obnoxious game request over and over....and over.
Did I send a chain letter email that would bring death and destruction to them if they didn't forward it?
Did I send them a Trojan and not the glow-in-the-dark, little rubber kind?
No, it was worse.
I wrote a blog entry and posted the 'said entry' on a social media site which shall remain nameless. Yeah, I'm talking to you Reddit!!!
Alright, not completely nameless.
Yes, I know 'blogger beware' but I did it anyway. I'm kinda a rebel.
The blog post was a satirical look at Black Friday shopping which put my head on the chopping block.
As a fiction writer, I did what most fiction writers do; I begin with the slightest fart of fact and with some twisting, corrupting and outright lies I create a gale of bullshit.
But apparently, my humor did not sit well with one particular female.
It pissed her off.
And you know what?
So just where did I get my impenetrable, yet stylish armor?
Actually, we all have that...attire. But we need to dig it out of the back of the closet and make it one of our 'go-to' pieces. Donning it, will prepare ourselves for the ever changing seasons of our readers. And by season, I mean...well...I'm certain you understand the metaphor, you're a writer!
So here's how to make those shitty comments feel a little less shitty.
1. Don't react to posts as soon as they appear on your blog/email/comment section of your story.
You'll be taking their bait if you do and honestly, that's what they want. They're needling you for some sort of altercation. They want you to lose your shit. Instead, mull it over. Let it roll around the ole' brain pan. Think of all the rude, obscenities and come-backs you could possibly zing at them. Write them down. Get your ire out on paper. Get it ALL out.
But don't publish it! Be cool. Don't become a shark reacting to chum. It'll get bloody pretty quickly and that's when the other sharks come sniffin around....
2. Now, after a few minutes, hours, days, weeks- and your calm, sometimes NO reply is the best reply. Is it worth it to get into an online argument in front of...well...the world? Do you want a potential "fan" or publisher to watch your fight get messy and lose respect for you before they even get to know you and your craft? Why give the asshat anymore ammunition. Let their cringe inducing comment stand by itself. The stinky fromage will stand, as it should, alone.
3. But if you can't help yourself and you MUST defend your own honor, keep your response short and sweet. Slather on the charm and thank them for taking the time to read your offering. Nothing says, "I'm not as big an asshole as you," as a post dripping in sweetness. Watch so you don't get diabetes though. You need to sound sincere and not like a snotty bitch. A little goes a long way.
4. Think of what your idol would say if they got the same response.
You DO realize your idols have heard it all? They get their fair share of accolades but they are also subject to trolls and haters. They are in the spotlight and are under a microscope. If they can continue doing what they do with all the negativity and backlash they receive, so should you.
There's an old saying, which is probably dating me but, who gives a shit, "Don't let the bastards get you down." Keep this nugget in the back of your skull or up your tight ass. See, I'm already preparing you for the seething sarcasm that you didn't ask for. You're welcome.
5. Be happy your work pinched a nerve resulting in a shitty comment.
Yep, you pissed someone off. That means reading it evoked a visceral reaction. Sweet. So that
|Why is she so critical? Just love me, man!|
6. Not everyone is going to like your work. And that's okay.
You are not going to please every one. And why would you want to? If you write to please everyone you're not being honest with yourself as a writer. Our kind thrives on controversy.
7. Are any of the damning comments constructive?
Take time to think about what the person has to say. Could it HELP your writing? If the answer is 'YES' thank them for their input and taking the time to read your work. No one likes criticism, it stings; BUT if it's constructive, give the devil their five bucks. Writers need to grow and sometimes we have those growth spurts through criticism.
8. Learn from this offense. Meaning, before you decide to comment on someone elses blog or story think to yourself, how would I handle this remark if it was written about MY content? I'm sure you've heard the saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say....then shut the fuck up?" Wiser words were never spoken. If you have a critique or constructive comment, always give the good with the bad and a solution to the bad. In other words, don't be a douchnozzle.
9. If all else fails; drink, smoke and have sex with strangers in bus stations because writers need their damn egos stroked. So take up that vice you've been toying with and go balls out. Then get back to work on your writing. You'll have some great stories to tell...and maybe a case of the Clap.
But there's cream for that.
Soooo, what of my own advice did I take when I received the shitty comment that spurred this post?
Well, I calmed down and waited around an hour to answer. Since calling me a c**t isn't really constructive criticism (and it's something I already know, and embrace) I decided to send a simple reply.
And that reply was "LOL."
I didn't feel it was worth a pissing contest. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she related ALL TOO WELL to my blog entry and it 'undid' all the progress she made in therapy. Or... maybe she's just a miserable bitch whose mommy didn't love her enough.
Hey, whatever- she read my blog entry and she hated it. YAY ME!
Oh and what was her response back?
'She spider'-crawled, ala Exorcist-style, off to berate and shit all over another writer's blog post.
And how do I know that?
Because I just do.
Okay...I stalked her a little.
Don't judge me.
To conclude: write what you love and love what you write and most importantly- don't let the bastards get you down.
Because no matter how obscure, famous or infamous you are or become- there will always be bastards.
You just need to learn how to deal with them.
Word to your mother... who is ugly and dresses you funny.
Work on that impenetrable lizard skin baby!
|My mom and me being c**ts. She actually likes my writing!|