Horror Writers Association Member

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Cheese Stick Review from THE CLOWN

Review of the NEW Cheese Sticks from

The Uber Popular, ‘Money Grubbing Fast-Food-Chain Bastard’


I wanted a quick, cheap snack to get me through the rest of my work day, so I pulled into the drive-thru. I was planning to walk through and make vroom-vroom noises just to keep those McBitches on their toes but I decided against it. With my luck, a car pregnant with a dude the size of *Mr. Creosote or *Fat Bastard would be crawling up my ass waiting to order. (*see: Monty Python, The meaning of Life movie or any one of the Austin Power abortions.)

And he’d take one look at my fleshy frame, unhinge his jaw and munch the living shit out of me…with a side of nuggets and a large diet Coke.

But I digress…

I was hankering for French fries but was quickly swayed by the large photo of a brand new unclown-like menu item, CHEESE STICKS. Huzzah! My lactose loving self was excited. It’s not easy to get a good cheese stick in this town. The best ones are served in bars and take a good 15 minutes to prepare which is FOREVER when you are waiting to chase your alcohol with some deep fried breading and coagulated fat.

As I conveyed my order to the faceless chick who I apparently woke up from her nap- I couldn’t help but fantasize about wrapping my lips around the 'ooey gooey phallicy shaped' cheese snacks. Should I swathe them in their marinara dipping sauce or should I take them in my mouth as God intended them to be…naked? I felt a twinge in my groin. Nah, it was my stomach. I was hungry!

So I rolled up to the window, handed the female employee, who was not sleeping as I had originally surmised, my cash. (The chick just had all the personality and enthusiasm of a dead weasel and I was giving her some props with that description.) With my wallet a 1.25 lighter, I drove to the second window and snatched up my PRECIOUS.

As I sped off I knew I couldn’t wait until I got to the office to get my snack on- so dipped my hand in the bag. The box I palmed in my hand was so….tiny. Was this a new size? I didn’t see ‘McFetus-Size’ spelled out on the menu board?

Hummm….So I popped open the box and peered at the contents on my lap. I did a double take. Yes, there were three cheese sticks as depicted on the menu board but they were size of the Fry Guyz wangs. Not wings, WANGS. If they had wangs….

These are the Fry Guys from the Clown’s commercials from the 80’s if you’re too damn young to remember who they are. The stupid bird eventually became the mascot for their chicken nuggets. Well, parts of her did….

In other words, these cheese sticks were friggin miniscule!

Once I shook off the bitter disappointment and quit cursing God the question that was first and foremost in my brain was—would it taste delicious?

I picked up one of the breaded little bastards and sniffed it. It didn’t smell terrible. It didn’t smell like fried cheese either. The scent was reminiscent of a shriveled Polish woman: greasy, poverty stricken and untouched by love or a penis….same thing.

I bit into the semi-crunchy breading. It was tender and gave way to my teeth but left behind a powdery finish. It was as if the outside of the cheese had been sprinkled with flour or rat poisoning or both.

Sinking my chompers into the cheese I began to chew. The breading and milk fats danced over my tongue. I swished it all through my mouth as if I was tasting wine, breathing air in through my nose to enhance the 'full-cheese-bouquet.'  While waiting at a red light it slid down my gullet. I smacked my lips together and used my tongue to floss any bits and hangers-on from my not-so-pearly-whites.

As the light turned green so did my face.

The cheese stick tasted like Shit. Oh excuse me, McShit!

Okay, maybe I had gotten a bad stick. It happens. So with all the enthusiasm of a dead weasel (yep, same dead weasel as a few sentences ago) I consumed another one.

And dammit, it sucked as bad as the first one.

I had been McFucked!

I wanted to spit out the disgusting remnant but since my momma taught me that 'spitting food out my face was wasteful unless it was into a baby bird’s mouth'- I ‘swallowed’ like an old porn star after a proper fluffing.

With one orphan cheese stick left, I debated if it would be worth slathering it in the cup of COLD marinara sauce. Maybe THAT would somehow change the "flavor profile".  Honestly, I didn’t want to eat the last one. But to provide you with a proper review I knew I would have to put my fat-ass girl panties on and try it. 

You bastards owe me.

Sooo....I dunked the disgusting cheese stick in the marinara sauce and shoved it in my hole. (I meant my mouth, ya perv.)
And guess what?  It STILL sucked. The marinara was awful. AWFUL!

I wasted 200 calories on that shit. When will I ever learn?

I give the goddamn Clown--- 0 Noms out of 5.
You can do better Clown.
Guess who ain't 'LOVING IT?'


  1. I am LMFAO!!!!! Your posts are hilarious!!!!!

  2. I'm so glad you enjoy them. It's nice to have a fan....other than my mom. And lately she's on the fence. *Sigh*


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Although I love my critters, they are sucking my wallet dry like some fetish vampire. So Igor decided to step-up, and attempt to get a job....