The Dillon Critter Xmas
Letter
Narrated by Quincy
Interpretive Dance & Typing by Igor
Annoyed by the Cats; Sass, Bunson, Moby, Poe, Church, Lil B, Fathead, Lily, Mama,
Petunia, Beepers, Nessie, Tubby, Foo-Foo, Splave & Rorschach
I, Quincy am
now in charge of writing the Christmas letter since our brothers Ozzy and Tazzy
decided to haul ass off of this godforsaken planet. Don’t feel sad. They’re in a better place- far, far away. A place where the streets are paved with the
flesh of our enemies, the cat turds are always warm and delicious and you never
suffer from that “Not so fresh feeling.” It’s called Heaven…..Nah. No it isn’t.
It’s OUTER SPACE! They were taken
back to our Motherland. Yup, you guessed
it, we’re frigging aliens! I bet your
mind is blown! I wasn’t supposed to give
it away but since every one of you getting a Christmas letter will have your craniums
and anuses scrubbed by our “Pee-poles” sometime after New Year I figured…what
the hell. Please eat plenty of fiber and perform your
rectal douchings from Jan 1-15th. No one likes to be shot in the face with a rogue
corn kernel, not even aliens. Thank you.
In their
stead, our brother Igor was dropped off in February. He’s a little black Chug (part Pug/part
Chihuahua). He really wanted to write the letter this year but since he spent
most of his youth in prison and only knows gang signs, I really didn’t trust the
little bastard with a pen. Igor’s great at playing ‘hide-and-go-shank’ and
fetches the best crack rocks on the block.
He does have a mean streak though.
Not from prison but from the nasty old Libyan grandmothers that took him
in after he got out of the pokey. Well I
think they were Libyans. Mom said something about them being dry as the desert
and munching on leather. Maybe she meant
librarians? I don’t know. You earthlings are frigging weird.
The house
has been invaded by another plague of cats.
They’re worse than an STD! At
least you can squirt some cream on an STD and it’ll eventually go away. But if you spray cream on these fuzzy
bastards they react just like Gremlins- eating shit after midnight and multiplying. Anyone want a cat for Christmas? They make wonderful gifts as well as delicious
casseroles.
Speaking of
the heartless little bastards, the cats decided to HAZE Igor so they hung him
from the chandelier, sprayed him with Cheese Whiz and flung regurgitated hair
balls and globs of slimy undigested cat food at him. They tried to tell me it was part of their
culture but we all know cats have no damn culture! They’re uncouth beasts who enjoy the flavor
of their own sphincters and suck the breast milk out of lactating women while
they sleep! But….they let me nail him
with a few of their litter encrusted shit bombs so I let it go. He took it like a champ!
We all
decided (cats included) to do something as a family for Christmas so we went to
the beauty parlor to get our asses waxed.
We thought it would be a beautiful gesture to the King of Kings our Lord
and Hunka-Hunka Savior- Elvis. We decided
to use the depilated ass hair to make a scarf for a homeless dude. Igor went so far as to ask for his b-hole to
be bleached.
I had to
tell him that it already looks like a bulls-eye for a chester-molester and
bleaching it white against his jet black fur would just make it worse! This really upset him and I couldn’t stand to
see the little guy cry so while he was sleeping I colored his butt pucker in
with a black marker. It looks like the
BLACK HOLE from our solar system—LITERALLY!
Ya wanna
know what was really funny? While dad
was napping on the couch, Igor sat on him.
You can imagine how surprised dad was to wake up with the letter O branded
all over his chest. Apparently Igor must
have sat on his face too because there was a nice fat butt kiss around his left
eye! It was hilarious. Dad didn’t think so. He’s getting so crotchety in his old age.
Let’s see
what else….oh all the new male kittens had their nuts removed but due to Obama
Care were denied Nudicals (look it up). On a brighter note- two of the female
cats had hysterectomies this year and mom was jealous. Now they have extra room from the hole left
in their barren womb to keep their car keys and hockey equipment and mom
doesn’t. Life’s a bitch, ain’t it mom?
Dad read
somewhere that we “dogs” like to play games so he decides to introduce us to
the family fun game CORNHOLE. AH
helllllll no. He kept talking about
throwing his sack in our holes. We want
no part of that. We aliens do the
cornhole-ing not the other way around. We
stayed inside and watched TV and let dad play this ‘Cornhole’ all by
himself. He must have tricked mom into
playing cause she came in the house with a disgusted look on her face while dad
skipped in the living room all smiles and called mom a “sore” loser. Really, in front of your precious fur-children? Thank Elvis they decided not to breed.
Well, Igor
is flashing me some gang sign which I’m interpreting as ‘Merry Christmas and
Happy New Year’ or ‘I’m gonna shank your Mother.’ It’s so hard to tell sometimes…..
Happy Elvis Day!
Ba ha ha... Classic! Happy holidays 🌲
ReplyDelete'cornhole', lol!
ReplyDelete