The Dillon Critter Xmas Letter
Narrated by Quincy
Interpretive Dance & Typing by Igor
Annoyed by the Cats; Sass, Bunson, Moby, Poe, Church, Lil B, Fathead, Lily, Mama, Petunia, Beepers, Nessie, Tubby, Foo-Foo, Splave & Rorschach
I, Quincy am now in charge of writing the Christmas letter since our brothers Ozzy and Tazzy decided to haul ass off of this godforsaken planet. Don’t feel sad. They’re in a better place- far, far away. A place where the streets are paved with the flesh of our enemies, the cat turds are always warm and delicious and you never suffer from that “Not so fresh feeling.” It’s called Heaven…..Nah. No it isn’t. It’s OUTER SPACE! They were taken back to our Motherland. Yup, you guessed it, we’re frigging aliens! I bet your mind is blown! I wasn’t supposed to give it away but since every one of you getting a Christmas letter will have your craniums and anuses scrubbed by our “Pee-poles” sometime after New Year I figured…what the hell. Please eat plenty of fiber and perform your rectal douchings from Jan 1-15th. No one likes to be shot in the face with a rogue corn kernel, not even aliens. Thank you.
In their stead, our brother Igor was dropped off in February. He’s a little black Chug (part Pug/part Chihuahua). He really wanted to write the letter this year but since he spent most of his youth in prison and only knows gang signs, I really didn’t trust the little bastard with a pen. Igor’s great at playing ‘hide-and-go-shank’ and fetches the best crack rocks on the block. He does have a mean streak though. Not from prison but from the nasty old Libyan grandmothers that took him in after he got out of the pokey. Well I think they were Libyans. Mom said something about them being dry as the desert and munching on leather. Maybe she meant librarians? I don’t know. You earthlings are frigging weird.
The house has been invaded by another plague of cats. They’re worse than an STD! At least you can squirt some cream on an STD and it’ll eventually go away. But if you spray cream on these fuzzy bastards they react just like Gremlins- eating shit after midnight and multiplying. Anyone want a cat for Christmas? They make wonderful gifts as well as delicious casseroles.
Speaking of the heartless little bastards, the cats decided to HAZE Igor so they hung him from the chandelier, sprayed him with Cheese Whiz and flung regurgitated hair balls and globs of slimy undigested cat food at him. They tried to tell me it was part of their culture but we all know cats have no damn culture! They’re uncouth beasts who enjoy the flavor of their own sphincters and suck the breast milk out of lactating women while they sleep! But….they let me nail him with a few of their litter encrusted shit bombs so I let it go. He took it like a champ!
We all decided (cats included) to do something as a family for Christmas so we went to the beauty parlor to get our asses waxed. We thought it would be a beautiful gesture to the King of Kings our Lord and Hunka-Hunka Savior- Elvis. We decided to use the depilated ass hair to make a scarf for a homeless dude. Igor went so far as to ask for his b-hole to be bleached.
I had to tell him that it already looks like a bulls-eye for a chester-molester and bleaching it white against his jet black fur would just make it worse! This really upset him and I couldn’t stand to see the little guy cry so while he was sleeping I colored his butt pucker in with a black marker. It looks like the BLACK HOLE from our solar system—LITERALLY!
Ya wanna know what was really funny? While dad was napping on the couch, Igor sat on him. You can imagine how surprised dad was to wake up with the letter O branded all over his chest. Apparently Igor must have sat on his face too because there was a nice fat butt kiss around his left eye! It was hilarious. Dad didn’t think so. He’s getting so crotchety in his old age.
Let’s see what else….oh all the new male kittens had their nuts removed but due to Obama Care were denied Nudicals (look it up). On a brighter note- two of the female cats had hysterectomies this year and mom was jealous. Now they have extra room from the hole left in their barren womb to keep their car keys and hockey equipment and mom doesn’t. Life’s a bitch, ain’t it mom?
Dad read somewhere that we “dogs” like to play games so he decides to introduce us to the family fun game CORNHOLE. AH helllllll no. He kept talking about throwing his sack in our holes. We want no part of that. We aliens do the cornhole-ing not the other way around. We stayed inside and watched TV and let dad play this ‘Cornhole’ all by himself. He must have tricked mom into playing cause she came in the house with a disgusted look on her face while dad skipped in the living room all smiles and called mom a “sore” loser. Really, in front of your precious fur-children? Thank Elvis they decided not to breed.
Well, Igor is flashing me some gang sign which I’m interpreting as ‘Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’ or ‘I’m gonna shank your Mother.’ It’s so hard to tell sometimes…..
Happy Elvis Day!