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Friday, May 22, 2015

15 Children's Games that Inspired a Life of Crime

When I was a kid I played games for hours with my friends.  Maybe you did the same with your friends.  But like me, I bet you didn't know there is a correlation (NOT causation mind you) between the seemingly innocent games of our childhood and criminal activities we hear all about as adults? Yup, many criminals, serial killers and sexual deviants were initiated into a life of crime not because of bad childhoods, but because of good ones. Todays low lives were at one time on top of their game, enjoying the popular and "fun" childhood games we remember so fondly.  Perhaps we should rethink our memories. Here are 15 games we played that prove our childhood wasn't so wholesome after all. 

1.  Hot Potato- A game where you are taught receiving stolen goods is BAD. No one wants to be caught holding the "hot" potato.  Very good advice.

2.  Red Rover- Almost everyone over the age of 40 remembers Red Rover. "Red rover, red rover let Kevin come over!" and Kevin would run as fast as his fat drumsticks could carry him in an attempt to break through the children holding hands from the opposite side. And if Kevin could break through their hands, he would choose someone to join his team. If he couldn't break through, his neck would be clotheslined and everyone would laugh at his bruised larynx. Good times. This game taught us a few things; One: how to plot revenge. Two: never trust anyone. ANYONE. Even your best friend who said he'd NEVER clothesline you but did because he's an asshole. Three: It instills gang affiliation.


3.  Dodge Ball- A great game to perfect your aim at a moving target. It also heightens our senses-detecting the weak links in the group and picking them off one by one.

4.  Spin the Bottle- This game lets fate pick the target to sexually assault. Always a good time.

5.  Cootie- Where cute, smiling STD's are created.                                                  


6.  Operation- The game that sharpened Jeffrey Dahlmer's teeth on body part identification and 'choice cuts' removal.


7.  Ants in the Pants- How to be a ho. The more ants in the pants the better!

8.  Don't Break the Ice- A game where you find the most tender spot on your friend and beat them repeatedly with the miniature hammer. This hones future Gambinos.

9.  Seven Minutes in Heaven- You get 7 minutes to rape your childhood crush.

10.  Marbles- Theft of others said marbles. Kinda cut and dry that one....

11.  Tag- How to evade your friends and eventually the cops.

12.  The Game of Life- Grow up, get a job, get married, have kids, fall into a routine which creates discontent and resentment giving you the choice of winning the game by going Postal; creating a swath of carnage in your wake or blowing your brains out. Preferably both.

13.  Monopoly- A simple game of the rich stealing from the poor. When I was a kid, my dad would act as the evil banker and take our money and make us bawl our eyes out. Thanks for the soul crushing memories dad.

14.  Snipe- This is a game where you "initiate" a newbie by telling him they're going on the hunt for the elusive creatures known as Snipes. Everyone goes into the woods with bags to collect the snipes. Once deep in the woods the newbie is told to stay put while the other kids drive the snipes to him.  Of course there is no such thing as a snipe.  It's just a ruse for a pre-determined someone (preferably the kid who rolls a 6 and can burp the alphabet backwards) to sneak back to the noob and murder him. I do believe this is a regional game.

15.  Simon Says- "Simon says put your hand on your nose. Simon says stick out your tongue. Simon says slap that ho standing next to you because she didn't bring in enough money last night. Now give the ho her cut. Uh oh, Simon didn't say!"


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