As
Narrated by Quincy
and typed by Igor and Yeti.The cats did nothing but lick their asses...
We
decided to piss off mom this year and not write a Christmas letter. But since
Yeti is a mama's boy and a dirty suck-up, he talked us into writing down
our New Year's Resolutions. And by "talked us into" I mean,
"promised to do our bidding." Stupid little bastard's going to regret
that decision. Newbie.
1. This year
we will not shit where we have previously
have shat. Unfortunately, I have no idea where that is....
2. We will
stop writing letters to actor Jake Gyllenhaal telling him his sister looks
like a nasty hemorrhoid attempting to hang itself from Jabba the Hutt's
third sphincter. It is mean and hurtful. But DAMN it's funny.
3. We will
stop referring to the cats as; hors-o'-derves, tuna lickers, pussy wankers,
finger sniffers, Chinese take out, feline fartknockers, devil spawn and Bruce
Jenner. We promise to just call them what they are...Assholes.
4. Igor says
he will not hump Dad's action figures anymore....while dad's playing
with them.
5. Yeti
says he will no longer force-feed the two bulimic fat cats great
quantities of cat food until they puke...and then slurp it up with a side
of hot fries. I told that baby Shih Tzu not to read Fifty
Shades of Grey. That fetish shit is just NASTY.
6. I've
decided to stop sniffing asses I've already sniffed. Let me tell ya how well
that's going....
7. We decided
to start going to church as a family. Hahahaha...no we didn't. Igor refuses to
be filled with the Holy Spirit. He claims that the
'Ole Spirit' doesn't wear a condom while filling and that
doesn't sit well with Igor's core 'Rasta-fart-again' beliefs. Who could blame him?
8. We're no
longer going to eat the neighbor kids just because they're black. We're going
to eat them because they taste delicious. For all you racist bastards, we live
in 'da hood.' Little black neighbor kids is all we got. If a Mexican
kid moved in next door we'd eat him too. Ya know, their asses
kinda resemble a taco...ummm tacos.
9. We will
FINISH the New Year's Resolution letter by Dec 23rd. Okay, by Dec 30.
We'll shoot for Jan 10. Sometime this frigging month!!!
Yes, I know it's April....but it's finished.
Soooo...Holla!
10. We will no
longer talk to strangers. We will just take them out one by one as they walk
past our house and salt cure their bodies in preparation for the Zombie
Apocalypse.
11. We will stop conjugating in Ebonics. I guess it can't be all,
"I/be, he/be, we/be." But dammit it, it sounds so RIGHT and
gangsta! Jewbonics just isn't the same.
12. We will stop
boycotting the number 12. Ah fuck it. Who needs 12?
Hope this New Year's letter finds you happy & healthy and
no longer fat, smoking, stupid or whatever you supposedly gave up for 2015!
Quincy, Yeti & Igor....in that order.
Quincy, Yeti & Igor....in that order.
They appear to be plotting something sinister . . ..
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