Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Black Bean Soup
(NON Racist)

I created this soup to show my love for all beans....

Read the full recipe for quantities. I wrote it ass backwards.


Veggy or Canola Oil


Bell pepper


Tomatoes and Green Chili

Black Beans

Chicken or Veggie Broth

Bay Leaves


Ham Base

Salt & Pecker

Sour Cream

Tortilla Chips

In a big ass pot…

Pour your Tablespoon of oil into said, big ass pot.

1 package diced onions (I'm a lazy bitch but- two hand diced medium onions will work if you’re a show off)

1 large bell pepper

1 big fat Tablespoon of minced garlic (again, yes it's pre- minced and from a jar …I told you I'm lazy)

**Optional for spice, add a seeded and chopped jalapeno. (do not touch your eyes or genitals immediately, afterwards unless you are a sick little bastard.)
Season with salt and pecker…SWEAT THIS IN SOME VEGGY or CANOLA OIL until tender.

Once hot and sweaty, like YOU on a Saturday night in your early 20’s when you discovered questionable men and Fireball shots, add…

1 can of diced tomatoes with chili peppers (why, because I said so) NEXT dump
5 cans of black beans (not 4, not 6 but 5. Do not question my fake cookery)

1 box of chicken or veggy broth BUT add only enough to cover the beans. Got it? (Not my fault if you don't and you F it up.)

Spice that bitch up with 2 or 3 bay leaves and let it get all sexy…just like you thought you were on a Saturday night in your twenties.

After the beans are heated thru, remove bay leaves and get out the thing in your cupboard that looks like a vibrator. The hand ELMUSIFIER! If you don't own one, get one. Please…do not use the Mr. Buzz-Buzz you keep in the back of your dresser. Trying to get the stench of beans from it afterwards is aawful for YOU and Mr. Buzz-Buzz.  Oh… instead you can do small batches in your food processor.

Once the pot is properly smooth and thick…add the bay leaves back in and…
Cumin (to taste) AND…
Ham Base (to taste) What is ham base, you wonder? It's freshly squoosen ham, dried and formed into salty crystals. Okay, not really but that's the answer I'm sticking with.

 Veggyheads…just don't add it.

Salt & Pecker

Ladle into bowls with generous swirls of sour cream and a shit load of crunchy tortilla chips.

If I forgot anything…that's all on you.

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