Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Learn to Speak a New Language

Yes, I have decided to take up a new language. I spent many hours perusing the Rosetta Stone website. The languages they offer are fantastic! Italian, Spanish, Polish and Mandarin, (I never knew I could speak to oranges. WOW!) and many, many more!

But as I searched through all their offerings I heard that the Reverend Billy Graham had passed at away the tender age of 99.  That's when it hit me. Well, actually I was touched. No not inappropriately, there's a restraining order for that. I was spiritually touched by the Holy Spirit! REALLY! (and I measured-- he was 500 feet away)

I found the language I was to study and here it is.....


YES, I have decided that I am going to be fluent in Tongues!  I want to share what I've learned with you.

Lesson One-    BOOOGIEOOGIEOOGIE-- It means, "Hello."


Lesson Three-  SHAMAMLAMADINGDONGSHAMALAMADINGDINGDONGPOOTPOOT-ASHAKESHAKESHAMROCKSHAKE that simply means, "I have to poop, where is your dirty wood pile?"

Lesson Four-    This lesson is about culture...Okay, I'm supposed to buy some fat snakes and practice falling backwards a lot while shaking said snakes.  Hummm....I think I'll skip this lesson.

Lesson Five-    It says, "DO NOT SKIP LESSON FOUR."  Son of a Bitch! Oh man, how do I say that in Tongues?  Where's the lesson in Tongue cuss words?

Lesson Six-      "How to Take Care of your Shooken Snake if it gets Motion Sickness"  WHAT??  Awww...look, it shows you how to make a little barf bag out of a milk jug.

Lesson Seven- "Good Tongue-Bad Tongue"  Hell, I learned this in 10 grade with that dude I shouldn't have been dating.

Ya know...this isn't worth all the money or the snake bites. I think I'm reconsidering my language choice.

Talking to oranges sounds pretty good right now.


  1. All things considered, this could have gone much worse than it did. You've done a good job of biting your...well...tongue.


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