Saturday, December 23, 2017

The 2017 Dillon Critter Christmas Letter

The 2017 Dillon Critter Christmas Letter
Narrated by: Khali the new kitten
Written by: Moby because he's the eldest and would beat my ass if I didn't let him. 
Stupid ideas and smart ass remarks by: inferior cats;
Poe, Fathead, Lily, Splave, Shocky, Mama, Petunia & Beepers
& Mutts (Mom made me include them)
Quincy, Igor & Yeti

Hi everybody! I'm Khali, the newest member of the Dillon clan. The dogs aren't happy that I have the honor of writing this years letter. But once they see what a good job I do, they'll forget all about being mad at me. If they don't...oh well, they can suck my balls. If I had balls. Oh that wasn't very nice of me was it? I'll burn in Hell later.
Ain't I friggin cute?

A little about myself first, Mom took me in the first day I was to start cooking at a Chinese restaurant. I'm a Cancer...I like to grab feet while hiding under the coffee table.  I enjoy helping mom and dad wash dishes aaaand....I'm addicted to discovering the effect of negative ions while they replicate invarious dark matter in relationship to universal quarks. It's a hobby.


For this years letter, we wanted to do something a little different. We wanted to tell you a little bit about our Christmas traditions or a certain Christmas memory we had before being sold into slavery. Moby will go first.


Moby: I'll never forget that one Christmas....we didn't have a lot of money to buy every cat and kitten in our household a gift, so we took the time to stuff different colored yarn inside the crevices of the old lady that took care of us. We did this AFTER she croaked so don't get all bent out of shape snowflake. After we said our sacred feline prayer of, "Yub yub, thanks for the grub," we munched the shit out of her, which, contrary to popular belief, people do NOT taste like chicken. We each ingested a bit of string and waited. After a few days we started pooping out the string and that's when the excitement began. We'd rush to figure out who pooped out the same color! Well...after we washed it off. And we'd exchange gifts with the kitten who had the same color string....errr...wait...or was that the year we had to fight to the death and then eat the kitten that pooped out the same colored string?  Dammit, there were some bad winters when we were growing up.

This is good to know....

Khali: Ah...okay. Ummmm...Poe, it's your turn.

Poe: When I was a wee kitten, we knew and sang only one Christmas song, it was I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas. It was a family favorite.

Khali: I love that song too!

Poe: Unfortunately, you aren't pure enough to sing that song with me. You're a filthy spotted half breed.

Khali: What???

Poe:  It's a known fact, white it right! Heil Hitler's cat, Commandant Pretzel Bunz!

Follows the preaching of Commandant Pretzel Buns

Khali: Jesus strawberry eating Christ, what the hell???  I didn't know you were a racist bastard!

Quincy: Ummm...what do you think his costume was for Halloween? He wore a sheet and carried a torch?

Khali: I thought he was a ghost and he didn't have a flashlight!

Igor: O...M...G. You are one stupid pussy.
Igor's not impressed with 'stupid pussies'

Khali: AM NOT!

Igor: Are too.

Yeti: It's okay if you're stupid. They call me names too. Kinda like when the other reindeer  bullied Rudolph. Wanna eat some chalk?

Khali: Ah... HELL NO!  Will someone else please tell us about your non racist tradition!!!

Fathead: At the first big snow, my family would all go outside and frolic. It was magical. But...one year, I took my special Christmas present outside. It was a Red Rider BB gun....

Khali: Oh no! Did you shoot your eye out?  Is that how you fucked up your eye?
Tragic diabeetus accident

Fathead: What the hell are you talking about?  I didn't shoot my eye out. For your information I lost my eye in a freak two-car diabeetus accident. No, I took my Red Rider BB gun out and took out a gang of bikers that tried to take over our territory. That sent out the message far and wide that you never mess with the Cats of Anarchy! We feasted on their carcasses for weeks. We took their old ladies as new breeders for the club too. Hell, you could be one of my great-great-great-great-great grand kittens. Wanna join the club? I gotta shank you first.

Khali: MOMMMM!! "Screams and runs under the couch."





Quincy: Okay, back to the dogs running the show. Lily, you're up next. Tell em about your old traditions.

Lily: I lost my only kitten around this time a year ago....

Quincy: Ah shit here we go...

Lily: I told him to hold my paw when he crossed the street but he thought he was a big boy and refused...
Lily's Severed Head

Quincy: That's quite enough Lily...

Lily: I didn't even know what happened...

Quincy: Stop doing this to yourself...

Lily: And then....and then...."sniffle, sniffle"...I never saw it coming. And just like that, it hit him!

Quincy: Ah fuck.
Quincy's 'Ah fuck' face


Lily: Exactly! What hit him was the fucking notion that he would become a Trump supporter!

Quincy: Look, it's over. Ya just gotta move on...

Lily: He's found a crunchy Cheeto under the couch cushions. He knitted suits out of scraps of fabric and belly button lint. He calls it Donald!

Quincy:  Do any of you damn cats have some nip for this bitch????

Lily: He dead to me. DEAD!




Quincy: This idea you had for the Christmas letter really sucks Khali! Hey, you...Oreo brothers. Do you have a happy holiday story.

SPLAVEAGE

Splave: Why yes we do. Thank  for asking. Since we are Spanish....

Quincy: ...you are not Spanish.

Splave: Really? Okay...then since we're Jewish....

Quincy: ...you're not Jewish either.

Shocky: But...we wear yarmulkes on our heads.
Shocky sans alien communication hat

Quincy: Those are tin foil pie pans from when you were trying to contact aliens.

Shocky: Soooo we're not Jewish?

Quincy: *sigh* No.

Splave: Well, then we got nothin.
THEY GOT NOTHIN

Quincy: Of course not....Mama, Beepers, Petunia--you're next.

Petunia: Our mama here taught us how to make special cakes made with almond paste, milk and shrapnel. We called them...bombs.

Petunia & Mama exhausted from making cake bombs

Beepers refused a photo. This was the best we could do.

Quincy: Err...you mean they ARE the bomb?

Petunia: Uhhhh...sure.

Beepers: Mama taught us how to sneak into homes by greasing our fur with chunky Vaseline and Cool Whip setting us up for easy access down the chimney to stuff the stockings of the bad little infidels with cakes... and turds.

Mama: FALALALALALALALALALALALAHOLLAAAAAAA!!!!
Mama hates infidels...but loves ham
Quincy: What the hell is she doing? She sounds like a turkey drag queen in heat.

Beepers: She is singing the song of our people. And she's cheering the fact that we blew up the neighbor's garbage can.

Quincy: And what did that prove?
Fathead disapproves
Petunia: It proves....stuff.  Oh by the way...I hope you're not attached to what's in your underwear drawer.

Khali: I don't think I wanna live here anymore.
Khali, wishing she didn't live here

Quincy: Sorry about your shitty luck kitten. You're screwed like the rest of us. Yeti, please share something less....murdery

Yeti: Oh yeah! Well, last year Mom and Dad got us the Roomba. It was the bestest present ever. I would ride on it and play bumper cars into walls and furniture. That one time we fell down the steps wasn't that fun but... I loved it.

Igor: Yeah, you loved it until...tell everyone what happened.

Yeti: Do I have to?
A clean shaven Poe here for no reason
Igor: Most definitely!

Yeti: *sigh* I loved it, until one day while I was riding the Roomba; pretending it was my mighty steed and I was a fierce knight going into battle, and I charged my Roomba into a boulder filled swamp.

Quincy: Aaaaand...

Yeti: They weren't boulders.
Floating Yeti Sketti head

Quincy: And what were they?

Yeti: *mumbling*

Igor: SPEAK UP!

Yeti: They were gobs... of... creamy...warm poop.

Quincy: And what happened to that creamy, warm poop.

Yeti:  It got squished under the wheels....

Igor:  Aaaaand...

Yeti: It smeared poop all over the living room floor.

Quincy:  And why was Dad pissed?

Yeti: The Roomba stopped working.

Igor: And why did the Roomba stop working??

Yeti:  It died.
Petunia wanting to take responsibility for Roomba death

Quincy:  Mmmm hummm...explain.

Yeti: It... hung itself.

Igor: Yes, it hung itself. And what did the note say?

Yeti: *pulling out the note*  This isn't the first time. The little bastard is a shit loving freak. Please bury me next to the toaster. If you only knew what he jammed in there..."


Poop fiend
Khali: Ewwwww....

Quincy: Sick fucker, ain't he? Igor, ya have a tradition ya wanna share or a memory you need to confess to the police?

Igor: Not with my parole officer present.

His parole officer is not present
Quincy: Good, because I no longer care.

Khali: What about yours Quincy? Tell us your Christmas tradition.

Quincy: Well, there's the tradition where we haze the brand new family member.

Khali: You do??

Quincy: Yep, we hang the poor fuck from the chandelier and toss regurgitated hairballs and litter encrusted turds at them after a vigorous dousing of canned cheese whiz. (See Xmas Letter 2013)
Moby donated the litter encrusted turds
Igor: It's all good. You don't have balls so we'll just aim at your head.

Khali: MOOOOOOM!!!
Mama: FALALALALAALALALALAAAAAAA!!!!


                                          MERRY WHATEVER BITCHES!!

Beepers has been photographed. Holy shit! It's a Christmas miracle!























































4 comments:

  1. OMG - the best kind of Christmas matter - the critter kind! Merry! Merry!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Muwaahah!!! I hope it put a little ha ha into your ho-ho.

      Delete
  2. What a coincidence...discovering the effect of negative ions while they replicate dark matter is MY hobby too.

    ReplyDelete

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