Skip to main content

Clients/Customers at Your Job: The Next Best Thing to Death



We've ALL been a customer. From checking out at the grocery store, to paying bills, to haggling over a back alley handy; we have all been in the position of needing to deal with someone for wares or services.

Personally, I try to be polite, open and understanding even if I'm not happy about my bill, service etc. Getting angry and nasty has never really gotten me anywhere so I try to be the nicest customer I can be, and hope that being nice might get me SOMEWHERE.

Me before a client sucks my soul out.

Now...many of us WORK in the customer service industry or we deal with the general public in some fashion. (I will not tell you where I work because I don't need the prank calls or heavy breathing. well...maybe the heavy breathing.) Many customers/clients I work with are easy and pleasant which makes my job easy and pleasant.


Back to the flip side of that same pancake...there are those clients/customers, who aren't cool and groovy. When I see them stroll into my place of business, I wish I could eat a bullet right in front of them. Why?  Because they are miserable human beings. Dollars to donuts their own mothers don't even like them! And who could blame them? They were probably little bastards who chewed their way out of the womb.

You know who you are.

And if you ARE one of those people that are frigging miserable or think that those in customer service are there to make your every wish come true because, and I quote, "the customer is always right," I'm here to tell you...YOU'RE NOT! Wrong is wrong and annoying is annoying and stupid is stupid and being a dick is just that--Being. A. Dick.

So-- IF this blog entry gets your panties all crammed up your ass, it's not because I'm "sensitive" or a "snowflake" it's because...you're dick.



Okay, I WILL say there are some peeps that work in customer service that suck at their job and shouldn't be working with the public. I completely get that. COMPLETELY.

But this isn't what this particular blog is about.

It's about shitty customers.

And if you're offended by that-- something tells me you ARE one.

So enjoy this blog entry or don't...I'm sorry. I can't help you there.

What do I look like? Someone in customer service?

Clients/Customers at Your Job: The Next Best Thing to Death
Can you relate?

1. When a customer saunters in at the very cusp of closing and you know goddamn well they are UNEMPLOYED. Just what the hell have you been doing all day? Oh yeah, NOTHING.


2. When the office recognizes a name on the caller ID, we play Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock to decide whose turn it is to speak with the soul sucker.

3. I fight off the urge to answer the phone with, "What the hell do you want this time?"

4. While on the phone with one of the 'said hellish phone calls,' I flip off the person multiple times and point a menacing finger gun at my head.




5. "What the fuck is wrong with people?" is the office slogan.


6. I hate when people ask to use our bathroom. Why should I let them poop in my office?  I see what they do to the bathrooms at friggin Wally World! They REFUSE to sit on the seat so they 'hover' because they don't want their cheeks kissing the shitter and in doing so- they spackle the back of the toilet with a thick coating of shatted out fast food, corn chips and gum their mother told them not to swallow when they were 10. Dude, YOU'RE the reason people want to hover! You...YOU!!!!  Sooo...hell no you can't use the office bathroom.


I often tell them we don't have one. I pull out a KFC bucket I keep under my desk and tell them they can keep it afterwards if they really have to go.

7. I don't know about you- but I can't always remember my clients real names. But when my co-worker mentions they saw 'Shuck n Jive' or 'The Arm' or the 'Uni-boobed Seat Farter' at the store, I know exactly who they're talking about. And we giggle.

8. The email from the irate customer that just yelled and berated me for the last 15 minutes is MyFirstLoveisJesus@yahoody.com  Oh yeah, I can feel the love.

9. When I answer the phone:
     Me:  "State of WalFart, this is Ruschelle how may I help you?"
             Them:  "Is this State of Walfart? Who is this?" 
     Me: *sigh* "This is a recording. Please try again when you pull your head out of your sphincter."

10. I avoid asking how anyone is because I know they'll tell me.
"Oh honey, my doctor gave me these soothing creams for a heat related venomous pustule "down there". 
ME- Jesus, not DOWN THERE! Australia has enough creatures 'down there' that'll kill ya.
(And they continue as if they didn't hear me or I just don't exist)
"And speaking of pustules, did you know my husband died? Yep, 30 years ago today. I went to visit him but I think he's cheating on me with that slutty bitch in the grave next to him. Her husband's not dead yet so she's after mine!"
Where the hell did I put that gun?

11. How do people not smell themselves? Please explain this 'lack of scent to your own stench' phenomenon. And don't attempt to make me feel bad about the elderly. Because, I'm sorry, they have been around for a long time and they KNOW that crevices need a proper douching and a slathering of pit stick which needs applied daily! And don't get me started on the odoriferous pong of piss and fecal matter. Change your clothes every day if you have such issues! No one wants to smell you. NO ONE. Not even my dog and he rolls in dead things.

12. It's always a good day when I'm done with a phone call and the caller hangs up on me without saying 'good-bye' or 'get bent' or anything. It's called manners dipshit, get some! I have feelings too. Okay, not many but come on!

13. Nothing makes me feel warm and fuzzy than after a long phone conversation where the customer has just blamed me for World War 2, shooting JFK and the raging price of provolone cheese and yet- I could barely understand his ranting because he sounded like he shoved a whole bag of Red Man chewing tobacco in his pie hole. And before you say anything, "yes, I do know what Red Man chewing tobacco sounds like. "It sounds like I'm getting blamed for WWII, shooting President Kennedy before I was even born and the price of delicious provolone cheese, thanks for asking!


Praying for sweet death...


14. I love when a customer calls and bitches out me and my mother (sorry mom) but comes in a week later with a fake ass smile because they want their yearly "freebie." Really? You come all the way up to my office for a freebie because you are too damn CHEAP to buy one at the store? Do you want my 1/2 eaten lunch and the old beat up tampon I keep in my purse too because it's FREE? Yeah, here. I'll just hand them over.


15. I don't know about you, but it's always a morale booster when a customer threatens to talk to my superior to get me fired-- for doing my job. --I'm sorry, but is that some sort of threat? For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE figure out a way to release me from dealing with whiny, entitled, loud mouth people that are NEVER WRONG. In short,you mean I can't lick your ass anymore for a pay check?  Well, Huzzah!


16. When a customer comes in with their sick kid or they're sick as hell themselves, I think- Really? Thanks Typhoid Mary. This hand sanitizer on my desk is only going to do so much and for reasons I'm not allowed to discuss, I can no longer wear the full-body condom anymore. There's no need for you to be here in the office. Do your crap online; it's called THE INTERNET and it's not just for porn.
Since my full bodied condom is at the cleaners, here's what I wear when I want to feel pretty.

If you don't find this amusing I can bet you have never worked in customer service.
 You're a lucky bastard. 
Always remember, it's never too late to be a good customer. Because, you don't know who might be a blog writer willing to wield her abilities to pen smack on your dumbass.


Namaste.







Comments

  1. HA! This is hilarious and I can relate to every bit of it. Please remind your customers that you have more important things to do...particularly your blogging.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! Why work when you can be surfing the web, playing video Solitary or...reading my blog!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Black Friday Bitches

So I went Black Friday shopping and stopped at Victoria's Secret. Why? Well, I had to pick up a few things....for a friend.

Honestly, I hate going into that store. The "Bra Specialists" stalk you with talk of finding your perfect fit. Okay, number one, what schooling do you need to become a "Bra Specialist?" Is it a four year program? Can one eventually get their Masters in Tittology? All I can say is...bitch better have some sort of degree. And TWO, there is no damn thing as a 'perfect fit.' It's a goddamn bra! Bra's suck.


Plus, the staff hovers. Come on! My head is the same size as my boobs. So when I try the bras on my noggin in the middle of store, I don't really need a "specialist" looming over me, treating me like I'm some sort of sped. Shut up. It works for me and that's all that matters.


Red makes me feel sexy!

While slogging thru the deep throng of whiny bitches, I happened across a door busters sign on gutichies t…

The 2016 Dillon Critter Christmas Letter

Narrated in Morgan Freeman's voice by Quincy Interjections of frequent harassment by Igor and Yeti Written in Santa's warm Christmas blood by the cats; Moby, Poe, Fathead, Lily, Petunia, Beepers, Mama, Splave and Shocky

We've decided that each one of us are going to share with you a little bit of what we are thankful for this holiday season, and maybe offer you a Christmas list of crap we want you to buy us. We're not proud. The asshole cats will go first. Why? Well, they won the Yeti toss. I wanted to call HEADS because Yeti has such a big fat skull but nooo...Igor wanted tails. Why do I listen to him? Damn half-breed chug.



Shocky: What I am thankful for this holiday season is our Savior, the Man with the Plan. President elect, Donald Trump! He's gonna build a wall with his tiny- yet ever so soft hands.




Igor:*sigh* And where will this wall go?


Shocky: Don't you follow political religion? The wall goes all the way to Mexico which is the gateway to hell. That'…