Friday, May 5, 2017

Conversations with my Husband......



We all have those conversations with our spouses that we can't believe we're having.  Here's a smattering of such conversations with my hubby. *sigh*


1.
    Me: Why does your side of the couch smell like butt?
    Him: I don't know.
 (sniffs around a bit and finds the offending stench from one of the critters
    Me: Oh wait, it's dog or cat puke.
    Him: Where'd that come from?
    Me: I guess the puke fairy.




2.
    Me: Hey you know that; charcoal filter, jar of mustard, new pack of batteries, gallon of milk,  screwdriver, stove, hat, cigarette lighter, bottle of hot sauce, shirt you said was stolen...missing... etc....well I found it.
    Him: Where was it? 
    Me: Where it usually is.
    Him: Well, I couldn't find it. You must have moved it.
    Me: Yes....yes I must have moved it.....to give me room to put your dead body.




3.
    Him: What are you listening to? Turn that off. Your music sucks.
    Me: Why is it the music you listen to is fantastic but mine sucks?
    Him: Because it does.
    Me: Well that explains everything. *Eye roll*



4.
    Me: What do you want for dinner? 
    Him: I don't care. 
    Me: Okay, how about pasta?
    Him: Nah.
    Me: So what do you want?
    Him: Ehh...whatever. Just not pasta.
    Me: Fine, how about pizza.
    Him: I'm not in the mood for pizza.
    Me: How about I strangle you in your sleep?




5.
    Him: When you went to the store you got my Jazz apples, right?
    Me: Ummm, yeah? (They didn't have any. So I bought Honeycrisps and ripped off the stickers.)
    Him: They don't look like my apples?
    Me: Well, they are. (When did he start to notice things?)
    Him: Where's the sticker?
    Me: *sigh*  Dammit Ed, they didn't have any! Just eat those apples.
    Him: Why didn't you go to the other store to get them? You know I only like Jazz apples.
    Me:  I WASN'T DRIVING ALL OVER GOD'S CREATION FOR JAZZ APPLES! TRY   
            SOMETHING NEW!
    Him: Woman...you had to get me one thing and you screwed it up.
                                ****** DAYS LATER******
    Him: You know, those apples you bought are pretty good.
    Me: I'm going to throw them at you and I'll make it hurt.


6.
    Me: You know the shower is leaking again.
    Him: It doesn't leak for me.
    Me: I guess you're fucking special.
              *******LATER********
    Him: You're right the shower is leaking again.
    Me: See, I told you it was leaking.
    Him: You must have broke it.
    Me: Yeah, I'm a real monster when I turn the knobs on and off!


7.
     Me: How about we go and get a drink somewhere?
     Him: Why would we do that?
     Me: I don't know. I thought we could just do something different.
     Him: But...it's Wednesday. And we're watching TV.
     Me: (Giving him a stupid look) We always watch TV.
     Him: *SILENCE* (watching TV and can't multi-task)
     Me: Helllooooo...
     Him: Dazed and Confused is on.
     Me: It has ended the same damn way all 300 times you've watched it!
     Him: *SILENCE*
     Me: So I guess we're not going anywhere?
     Him: What? What do you want? Dazed and Confused is on.
     Me: Shall I slit my wrist or yours?
 


8.
    Me: I see you ate toast in the kitchen. Are you going to clean up the crumbs on the counter?
    Him: Yeah. I always clean up my mess.
    Me: You do? Since when?
    Him: Always.
    Me: You ate toast at noon and now it's 4.
    Him: So what?
    Me:  I just cleaned it up.
    Him: I was going to get it.
    Me: Sure you were.


9.
    Him: If you ever go crazy I'm going to chain you up in the basement.
    Me: Okay. Can I at least have a bed to sleep on?
    Him: I guess.
    Me: How about a TV?
    Him: You're pushing it but fine.
    Me: This is sounding better and better!
    Him: I'll put the stove down there too so you can still cook for me.
    Me: I still have to cook for you when I go crazy? I don't remember taking those vows.
    

The happy couple....




   






My book, Arithmophobia for Kindle

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