Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Dick Purse

Young females are stupid.

Okay, not YOU.

But even if I was talking about you, I'd never admit it. I want you to continue reading my blog.

So back to my initial sentence: young females are stupid. And just WHAT makes young females stupid? Booze and weddings of course. Add a few stray penises to the mix and you have the trifecta of glorious feminine stupidity.

Being a musician and a comedian to boot, (Let me clarify, I'm not a stand-up comedian. When I gig in the band I poke fun at people and make crass remarks between songs--- while sitting on a stool. There is nothing stand-up about me. Be it my attempt at comedy or my morals) I was playing a local club where a wedding party came over from the banquet hall next door. This particular gig, I brought my penis puppet, Bone Sai, (which was created to promote my novelette of the same name. Available on Amazon and Barnes & Nobel!) to entertain the crowd. Now, it's not a small puppet. With a shaft as long as your arm, a detailed scrotal sack and a set of huge TEETH... it's quite intimidating. And just WHY did I bring the penis puppet to the gig? Simple, my husband told me not to. Does that answer your question?

*see photo. Ain't he cute? He was being a little camera shy in this pix.

After my first set, I decided to take the penis puppet to the bar to torture the bartender and because I'm somewhat of an asshole.

As I'm wading through a sloppy sea of drunken wedding guests, three chicks were hanging out near the beer coolers. Recognizing them from their ugly bridesmaids dresses, (the bride must have hated her friends and was damned and determined to outshine the fuck out of them) I smiled  and raised my flaccid penis to eye level. The drunkest of the bridal chicks looked at me and then at my penis puppet and asked with a serious beer slur, "Is that your dick purse?"

A dick purse? Goddamn it! Do they even make such a thing? And if they do- where can I get one? What would a girl keep in her dick purse? Is there a more formal one that could be used for funerals. I was intrigued. But instead, I decided to fuck with her.

"No, this is my dick PUPPET. He helps get me free drinks."

I thought my comment would loosen up the drunk bitches and get the shoe horns out of their tight asses. But no.

The same chick slouched against the cooler, gave me the stink eye and said, "Who buys you drinks? Men or women?"

If I wasn't sober I might have thought she was propositioning me. Ehh...she wasn't my type. But I answered her in the snarkiest puppet voice I could muster.
"Both. The guys buy me booze and slick here gets liquid-love from the chicks. We have a symbiotic relationship."

They're faces fell slack. Well...more slack. I think I lost them at symbiotic.
As luck would have it, the bride stumbled over and looked at me like I had just expelled a big wet fart in her general direction. The bride hiked up her boobs which were popping out of her strapless gown and got in my puppets face.

"That is disgusting. It's my wedding day. I don't need to see that...thing."
Now it was my turn to hold my nose in the air. Bitch is in a BAR in her wedding gown, which is DRAGGING on the floor, mopping up spilled beer. I watched as at LEAST 3 people stepped on it.

I could have taken the high-road, but what fun would that have been?
So I rubbed my accused 'dick purse' up against her face.

Her mouth dropped.

So I POLIETLY said, "Keep your mouth open like that and you're sure to get another dick in your face tonight. Congratulations on your nuptials."
In front of Bridezilla sat a stray bowl of popcorn. I promptly shoved my puppets face in it.

The act of my dick puppet eating popcorn must have sent her and her three "always-the-bridesmaid-bitches' over the edge. They all said some unkind things about my mother, (just because some of those things are true doesn't make it any less hurtful) and backed away from me like I had the plague.

I wished the wonderful artist (Nicole Engvall) who created Bone Sai for me would have inserted a tube in it so I could have filled it with apple juice and pissed in her face.
That was a little mean wasn't it? Oh well, it's not like she's gonna read this blog.....

I got the last laugh though. The groom had asked one of my band mates to play a song so they could dance. The look on her face was priceless as she saw me on-stage serenading them.

I'm sticking with my initial assessment.
Young females are stupid.

And have NO sense of humor.
And don't know a sweet penis when they're assaulted by one.

Bitches will learn....eventually.


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