Thursday, April 2, 2015

THE DILLON CRITTER'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2015




As Narrated by Quincy and typed by Igor and Yeti.The cats did nothing but lick their asses...


We decided to piss off mom this year and not write a Christmas letter. But since Yeti is a mama's boy and a dirty suck-up, he talked us into writing down our New Year's Resolutions. And by "talked us into" I mean, "promised to do our bidding." Stupid little bastard's going to regret that decision. Newbie.




1.  This year we will not shit where we have previously have shat.   Unfortunately, I have no idea where that is....


2.  We will stop writing letters to actor Jake Gyllenhaal telling him his sister looks like a nasty hemorrhoid attempting to hang itself from Jabba the Hutt's third sphincter. It is mean and hurtful. But DAMN it's funny.

3.  We will stop referring to the cats as; hors-o'-derves, tuna lickers, pussy wankers, finger sniffers, Chinese take out, feline fartknockers, devil spawn and Bruce Jenner. We promise to just call them what they are...Assholes.

4.  Igor says he will not hump Dad's action figures anymore....while dad's playing with them. 

5.  Yeti says he will no longer force-feed the two bulimic fat cats great quantities of cat food until they puke...and then slurp it up with a side of hot fries. I told that baby Shih Tzu not to read Fifty Shades of Grey. That fetish shit is just NASTY.

6.  I've decided to stop sniffing asses I've already sniffed. Let me tell ya how well that's going....
 
7.  We decided to start going to church as a family. Hahahaha...no we didn't. Igor refuses to be filled with the Holy Spirit. He claims that the 'Ole Spirit' doesn't wear a condom while filling and that doesn't sit well with Igor's core 'Rasta-fart-again' beliefs. Who could blame him?

8.  We're no longer going to eat the neighbor kids just because they're black. We're going to eat them because they taste delicious. For all you racist bastards, we live in 'da hood.' Little black neighbor kids is all we got. If a Mexican kid moved in next door we'd eat him too. Ya know, their asses kinda resemble a taco...ummm tacos.

9.  We will FINISH the New Year's Resolution letter by Dec 23rd. Okay, by Dec 30. We'll shoot for Jan 10. Sometime this frigging month!!!  Yes, I know it's April....but it's finished. Soooo...Holla!

10. We will no longer talk to strangers. We will just take them out one by one as they walk past our house and salt cure their bodies in preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse.  

11. We will stop conjugating in Ebonics. I guess it can't be all, "I/be, he/be, we/be." But dammit it, it sounds so RIGHT and gangsta! Jewbonics just isn't the same.

12. We will stop boycotting the number 12. Ah fuck it. Who needs 12?

Hope this New Year's letter finds you happy& healthy and no longer fat, smoking, stupid or whatever you supposedly gave up for 2015!


Quincy, Yeti & Igor....in that order.




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