2010 “Top 10 Things that Suck-Ass about the Holiday’s” as Narrated by
Ozzy, Edited by Tazzy, Quincy and Typed by the Katz who Shall Remain Nameless Because They’re Nasty Little Heathen Bastards Who Don’t Deserve to be Acknowledged
10. Funeral Viewings
First, we had to wait in line for HOURS and when we got to the front of the line, nothing exciting happened. We didn’t get spinned in a circle to circus music or nothing.
tried to stuff a pitiful origami dollar into this chick’s big-ass cleavage, but
she was crying. Apparently, she expected
more than a dollar. By the time most
people got to the front of the line they were pretty friggin’ tired since there
was no juice or cookies to tide them over, so they plopped down in front of
this tricked out couch waiting to take a nap.
But someone hogged the couch the whole time so people got up and
left! How rude is that? The highlight of the party was when Tazzy
peed on all the ugly flowers on the floor.
We split because the party was dead and cause Tazzy peed on the ugly
flowers. Who started this Christmas
tradition? It’s terrible. I don’t recommend it. I heard somewhere it’s a Quincy Kwanza
9. Wal-Mart Greeters
They tell us to, “have nice day” and “thanks for shopping at Wal-mart.” Truth be told, they no gives two-shits. They rather be working at Long John Silver’s, getting paid in fish. I can’t say I blame them. Who wrote this? Goddamn CATS!!! Stop hijacking my holiday letter, ya tuna lickers!
8. Christmas Trees
What’s the point of putting a damn shrubbery in the house that you can’t piss on? Then, Mom and Dad decorate under the tree with a white sheet to resemble snow. Well, I decided to make
look more realistic so I pooped
in it. Yup, I call it, “Christmas in Christmas Village .” A friggin’ masterpiece. New York
7. Family Feuds
When a simple argument gets physical, it can ruin a perfectly good meal. Last Christmas, Tazzy got pissed because
pilfered his turd stash. I got shitty
didn’t let me in on his turd stash. We all glared at each other from across the
dinner table until Quincy
grinned and popped an ill-gotten turd in his smug bastard face. All hell broke loose! We
were wrestling in the mashed potatoes, slapping each other’s faces with meat
loaf and rolling around in the sub-par salad bar. Now, we are banned from Eat and Park. *Sigh* Just remember, Quincy started it! Quincy
6. “Ho” Made Cookies
What do I care that a “ho” made cookies? She’s got a hobby, so what? But sometimes I find an OREO on the plate. Ho’s don’t make goddamn Oreos. It’s an Oreo! Damn ho’s lying. Where’s her pimp? She needs bitch slapped for that shit.
5. Christmas Balls
They are a grim reminder of intact testicles from Christmas pasts. Have you ever been haunted by your nuts? It’s scary as all hell.
4. Pissing Outside in the Snow
Two words, it SUCKS. We like to try and piss off the porch and see which one of us can hit the neighbor’s snowman in the face. It becomes a game of war. “Take THAT ya piss-faced snow-fucker!” Good times.
Toys from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer Island of Misfit
Tazzy wants to fly to the island of misfit toys and beat the shit out of each and every one of those stupid-ass toys. “Nobody wants a cowboy that rides an ostrich,” Really? Then get a horse, Dumbass! “Nobody wants a Charlie in a Box?” Whiny little piece of shit toy. Well, go to Social Security and change your name. How hard is that? I never figured out the little red headed doll’s malfunction.
thinks she menstruates. The cats claim she’s a lesbian. I think Quincy ’s
right. Gives a new meaning to the word
“rag-doll”, doesn’t it? Quincy
2. Wish Lists
I never get what I want….ever. Quincy asks for the usual: treats and toys and a freshly-killed reindeer carcass; stuff we get EVERY year. Tazzy asks for stupid shit like peace on earth and an Ethiopian to gnaw on; like they’re in season this time of year. In 1996, I asked for the cats to be set free from being held hostage by their white oppressors. I got neutered instead. In 2007, I asked for all the cats to be sent for scientific experiments. We got TWO more cats! DAMN IT! In 2008, I asked for tuna baited bear traps. I got a yarmulke and a sweater that says “Bad to the Boner.” What the fuck is that? I’m not Jewish! Tazzy claims his penis was Jewish at one time but that was because he didn’t want to have sex with this miniature pot bellied pig that he met online. Santa has really pissed me off. This year I asked for a gun and 10 bullets. Oh, please, please, please…….
1. Writing Christmas Letters
Can you smell what I’m farting? Okay, it’s Tazzy. Nice bouquet, huh?
Until Next year…….Happy Howliday’s Motherfuckers!