Friday, December 5, 2014

Dillon Christmas Letter circa...2010


2010 “Top 10 Things that Suck-Ass about the Holiday’s” as Narrated by

Ozzy, Edited by Tazzy, Quincy and Typed by the Katz who Shall Remain Nameless Because They’re Nasty Little Heathen Bastards Who Don’t Deserve to be Acknowledged

 

10.   Funeral Viewings

First, we had to wait in line for HOURS and when we got to the front of the line, nothing exciting happened.  We didn’t get spinned in a circle to circus music or nothing.  Quincy tried to stuff a pitiful origami dollar into this chick’s big-ass cleavage, but she was crying.  Apparently, she expected more than a dollar.   By the time most people got to the front of the line they were pretty friggin’ tired since there was no juice or cookies to tide them over, so they plopped down in front of this tricked out couch waiting to take a nap.  But someone hogged the couch the whole time so people got up and left!  How rude is that?  The highlight of the party was when Tazzy peed on all the ugly flowers on the floor.  We split because the party was dead and cause Tazzy peed on the ugly flowers.  Who started this Christmas tradition?  It’s terrible.  I don’t recommend it.  I heard somewhere it’s a Kwanza thing.

 

 9.  Wal-Mart Greeters

            They tell us to, “have nice day” and “thanks for shopping at Wal-mart.”  Truth be told, they no gives two-shits.  They rather be working at Long John Silver’s, getting paid in fish.  I can’t say I blame them.   Who wrote this?   Goddamn CATS!!!   Stop hijacking my holiday letter, ya tuna lickers!

 

8.  Christmas Trees

            What’s the point of putting a damn shrubbery in the house that you can’t piss on?   Then, Mom and Dad decorate under the tree with a white sheet to resemble snow.  Well, I decided to make Christmas Village look more realistic so I pooped in it.  Yup, I call it, “Christmas in New York.”  A friggin’ masterpiece. 

           

7.  Family Feuds

            When a simple argument gets physical, it can ruin a perfectly good meal.  Last Christmas, Tazzy got pissed because Quincy pilfered his turd stash.   I got shitty because Quincy didn’t let me in on his turd stash.  We all glared at each other from across the dinner table until Quincy grinned and popped an ill-gotten turd in his smug bastard face.  All hell broke loose!   We were wrestling in the mashed potatoes, slapping each other’s faces with meat loaf and rolling around in the sub-par salad bar.  Now, we are banned from Eat and Park.  *Sigh* Just remember, Quincy started it!

 

6.  Ho” Made Cookies

            What do I care that a “ho” made cookies?  She’s got a hobby, so what?   But sometimes I find an OREO on the plate.  Ho’s don’t make goddamn Oreos.  It’s an Oreo!  Damn ho’s lying.  Where’s her pimp?  She needs bitch slapped for that shit. 

 

5. Christmas Balls

            They are a grim reminder of intact testicles from Christmas pasts.  Have you ever been haunted by your nuts?  It’s scary as all hell.    

 

4.  Pissing Outside in the Snow

            Two words, it SUCKS.   We like to try and piss off the porch and see which one of us can hit the neighbor’s snowman in the face.  It becomes a game of war.   “Take THAT ya piss-faced snow-fucker!”   Good times.

           

3.  The Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Tazzy wants to fly to the island of misfit toys and beat the shit out of each and every one of those stupid-ass toys.  “Nobody wants a cowboy that rides an ostrich,” Really?  Then get a horse, Dumbass!  “Nobody wants a Charlie in a Box?”  Whiny little piece of shit toy.  Well, go to Social Security and change your name.  How hard is that?    I never figured out the little red headed doll’s malfunction.  Quincy thinks she menstruates.  The cats claim she’s a lesbian.  I think Quincy’s right.  Gives a new meaning to the word “rag-doll”, doesn’t it? 

 

2.  Wish Lists

            I never get what I want….ever.  Quincy asks for the usual: treats and toys and a freshly-killed reindeer carcass; stuff we get EVERY year.   Tazzy asks for stupid shit like peace on earth and an Ethiopian to gnaw on; like they’re in season this time of year.  In 1996, I asked for the cats to be set free from being held hostage by their white oppressors.   I got neutered instead.   In 2007, I asked for all the cats to be sent for scientific experiments.  We got TWO more cats!  DAMN IT!   In 2008, I asked for tuna baited bear traps.  I got a yarmulke and a sweater that says “Bad to the Boner.”  What the fuck is that?  I’m not Jewish!  Tazzy claims his penis was Jewish at one time but that was because he didn’t want to have sex with this miniature pot bellied pig that he met online.   Santa has really pissed me off.  This year I asked for a gun and 10 bullets.  Oh, please, please, please……. 

 

1.  Writing Christmas Letters

            Can you smell what I’m farting?  Okay, it’s Tazzy.  Nice bouquet, huh?

 

Until Next year…….Happy Howliday’s Motherfuckers!




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