Monday, October 6, 2014

Clam Chowder Recipe- Excerpt from my Upcoming Cookbook

Clam Chowder

When I was a youthful blasphemer, two sexually retarded Jehovah’s Mormons sashayed on my porch expecting to find me vulnerable, in compromising positions and knee deep in sin. And damn it, they did.  While sucking down bourbon mixed with… bourbon, those clean cut boys stuffed my thong with pamphlets, (I found that odd but I went with it), and inquired if I had accepted Jesus as my personal savior. Well, I couldn’t lie, because I had accepted Him.  Hell, I invited him over for cocktails.  He was perched upstairs at my wet bar nursing a Bloody Mary and giggling over Scientology…and the fact he was drinking a Bloody Mary.  He’s funny as all shit that Lord and Savior, but a bit touched by more than the “Holy Spirit,” if ya smell my drift.  These Je-Mormons asked to come in to talk about Jesus, but I didn’t think it was proper since He was right upstairs and has that “super hearing” and all. So I politely slammed the door on them. After a rousing game of titty-twister with a few of the less popular Apostles,  Jesus and I had a good laugh at the poor defenseless bible beaters expense and had this dish for a reverent dinner. Sometimes, I like to serve this with those yummy crackers they pass out during Mass. To quote Andy Griffith, “Mmm...mmm.  Good Cracker.” They’re also nice when you run out of tortilla chips to dip in salsa.  Everything’s better with salsa, except for this chowder……


  • Drizzle of olive oil
  • 1 Tbs. butter
  • 4 stalks celery diced
  • 1 bag frozen diced onions (don’t ask me for the fresh equivalent cause I don’t frigging know)
  • 2 bay leafs
  • Salt and pepper
  • A half cup of white wine
  • Ass load of peeled and diced potatoes
  • 1 nice size frozen fish filet without skin and bones
  • 1 bottle of clam juice (approximately)
  • 5 cans of minced clams (reserve the liquor) It’s called LIQUOR because clam piss would be off-putting.
  • 1 can of chicken broth (approximately)
  • ½  cup heavy cream
  • Sprinkling of seasoning (salt to taste)

Place a big ole’ pot on medium heat and add the drizzle of olive oil and tablespoon of butter.  Salted?  Unsalted?  Who gives a rats ass, it’s only a tablespoon.

Dice up all your veggies, celery, onion and potatoes.  Plot the first two ingredients in the pot and let sweat. Ooooh yeah, sweat baby sweat. Once sweaty and disgusting add ½ cup of white wine. Let reduce for 5 minutes or something.

Throw the diced taddies in the pot. Don’t be gentle! You have no idea the lives those potatoes led before besmirching your kitchen.

Toss in bay leafs (or is it, leaves?  Hummmm…), salt and pepper.

Pour in bottle of clam juice and all the LIQUOR from the minced clams and can of chicken squeezings just enough to cover the potatoes.  That’s why in the ingredients it reads (approximately). See, I’m not as stupid as I read…     

Add the fish filet once the potatoes began to get soft and flaccid, heh heh heh. Dump in the clams and let them mingle with the rest of the party.

Pour in 1 cup light cream. Do I have to tell you to stir it? Well, okay then, stir it…ya sheep. Taste for seasoning.

Serve with some bread, oyster crackers or communion wafers. Okay don't get all uptight. They don't HAVE to be blessed wafers. Killjoys.
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